WHO AM I REALLY? – time to update me

How would you like to be a happier person, more energetic, effective, liked and loved? How would you like to function better, smile more and live a better life, be a better you? Yeah, I know, it sounds like a bad info-mercial, but it is as possible as it sounds - and marked down to free; just takes a bit of your time and effort - are you with me?

iTunes and my iPhone keep me updated with new and improved stuff. Microsoft has seemingly daily enhancements to be added. Everything we buy is newer, better and more effective, as it should be. This is all good and well - but are you updating and improving you? Don’t you want to be even nicer than you already are? Well, here’s how…

I believe we have an unfortunate tendency to go stale (boring?) in what we do, the way we feel, think and function – and don’t you think that’s a pity? If not, you really should, because we ALL have a heck of a lot more to give, we really do; so why not install an even better version of ourselves in ourselves - duh?

I rarely use the term: “I’m bored”, because to me it’s a very sad statement; it simply tells me that I have reached the BLAH plateau (blah-teau?), which is not a nice place to be. Have I actually run out of stuff that excites me, interests me and keeps me busy in a positive manner? Am I really “satisfied” with me at this point in my life and ignorantly accepting the BLAH, as in: bloody boring?

Well, if I’m bored with myself, how damn boring am I to you, to the people around me and especially to my pets, for crying out loud? You see, we constantly look and expect newness, updates and improvements in things, stuff and ignorantly also from the people we surround us with. So how about looking at ourselves, establish a fresher spring in our steps, blow the cobwebs out of our system and smile a truer smile? Hey, there’s an idea; so let’s do some updating - grab a pen and a pad.

My everyday life is utterly organized. My calendar is full of everything I must, want and shall do daily, down to the smallest detail. Most (normal) individuals, including my wife, children and aforementioned pets, roll eyes and shake their heads concerning how organized I am. But I really don’t care, as I consider that everything I write in my planner, evacuates my brain, keeps my life simple and the space between my ears fairly uncluttered (which actually creates a nice echo effect).

And my organized life extends beyond that, as I also keep an eye on who I am, as I do not like to go stale or boring. So I do an annual “inventory” of me, which takes place around December 31. And it feels very good and I highly recommend it – so I dare you to make you feel better about yourself; there’s a challenge – and you can thank me later...

On one list I write down everything that I find NEGATIVE about myself – and I mean EVERYTHING. I try to look at myself as somebody else would see me; not my Mother – way too bias. Issues about eating as well as I should, more exercise, stuff I do that I shouldn’t do – stuff I shouldn’t do that I do, relationships with other people, especially with my wife, kids and pets, friends and family, overall attitude and so forth. When you really dissect those negative (not favorable) things about yourself, it’s amazing what pops up – but this is all good, it really is.

Then it’s time for the POSITIVE stuff, things you like about yourself and again, write EVERYTHING down – the more the better. What do I like about me, what do people actually see in me that is encouraging, good stuff I do, overall attitude and so forth. If you are doing an honest and thorough job, it’s amazing how great we actually find that we already are - but there will always be room for improvement, of course; that’s why we do this updating stuff, isn’t it?

If you feel like applying outside opinions for an even better perspective, that is certainly an option. Just be careful to digest bias opinions with a bit of “whatever” attitude. Of course ex-boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and husbands will tell you their truth about you, but we don’t really give a hooters what they think about you at this point, do we?

The third and final list is one for your goals, immediate and further into the future. What do you want to accomplish? Prove Einstein wrong about his theory of relativity? Peace on Earth? Find an easier way to open plastic protected electronics? Go back to kindergarten and find out, once and for all, if Lara actually thought you were a hot number (I hope she did)? Invent the perpetual motion machine (and good luck with that)? Nah, you’ll no doubt stay with something easier – something with reality applied.

And then you work on the lists, find ways to improve, adjust and correct. Just by making the lists, we realize things about ourselves that are refreshing. By recognizing our good sides as well as our not so good sides, we have already started to improve ourselves; acknowledging where we are, shows us where we want to go.

To me, updating my relationship with my wife is an important bit. In spite that we do have a good and solid relationship, it can ALWAYS get better. Relationships especially, has so many layers of emotions, thoughts, feelings and expectations that make it easy to even improve on perfection.

But consider what YOU can do to refresh, reboot and update. Is it about more hugs, time together, considerations at work, attentiveness (a big one), concern, interest, listening skills, overall attitude and so forth? You see, the list can be as long as you need it to be. Remember this is about making YOU happy and more energetic about YOUR life. And when you are happy and satisfied with who you are and where you are in life, people around you will feel the same way about you, they really will, as nobody likes a stale and grumpy person.

I like new-year resolutions (link below for one I wrote some time back), because I follow them to the greater extent than not. Being so bloody organized I have a hard time not following what I write down. But the annual self-inventory update bit is heavier and more important. It takes some labor, but it is worth every second of it and then some.

If you don’t already do stuff like this, I highly recommend that you start now. Life is short, it really is, so why not be the best you can be (without sounding like a promotion to join the military). You are probably a great person (you must be, reading this blog), so why not try for even better? – and you can thank me later.

Links to:

RELATIONSHIPS

NEW-YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Really...

HAPPY KRINGLE – and thank you so much

I’m taking the day off, so if you clicked in and expected the usual Monday post sprawling out in front of you, I am kind of sorry. I am also kind of breaking a string of 88 weeks in a row of new stuff to chat about, so to some extent I failed (yeah, right).

I’m not a religious dude, but I stick to the tradition of Xmas, believing more in presents and Santa, than the birth of any child – no disrespect what-so-ever. So from the old country, it’s a relaxed day today, the 24th of December, consisting of brunch, a long walk around a local lake in a local park, a hot chocolate and cookies break, with a view.

Then it’s home, getting the music and candles going, while the fireplace is roaring and crackling. I’ll probably take a nap and then it’s time to prepare some ham, my special potato-dish, red cabbage, a special bottle of wine (thanks Brian & Moyra), some presents (yeah, I know what they are – all of them), some dessert and then bed. I like Xmas – I really do; and Xmas smells so great; don't you think?

And this is where I want to yet again thank all of you for reading and following my blog. I am in so much humble awe – I really am. 19 months ago I just meant to communicate with our few friends and family, perhaps 10 to15 page-views weekly. It is soon reaching 10,000 from over 102 countries (and you are welcome to count them - I certainly would) - go figure…

ALBANIA

ALGERIA

ARGENTINA

AUSTRALIA

AUSTRIA

BAHRAIN

BANGLADESH

BELARUS

BELGIUM

BOLIVIA

BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA

BRAZIL

BULGARIA

CANADA

CHILE

CHINA

COLOMBIA

CROATIA

CYPRUS

CZECH REPUBLIC

DENMARK

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

ECUADOR

EGYPT

EL SALVADOR

FINLAND

FRANCE

GABOR

GEORGIA

GERMANY

GREECE

GUERNSEY

HONDURAS

HONG KONG

HUNGARY

INDIA

INDONESIA

IRAN

IRAQ

IRELAND

ISRAEL

ITALY

JAMAICA

JAPAN

JERSEY

KAZAKHSTAN

KENYA

LATVIA

LEBANON

LITHUANIA

MALAYSIA

MALDIVES

MAURITIUS

MEXICO

MOLDOVA

MONACO

MYANMAR (BURMA)

NETHERLANDS

NEW ZEALAND

NIGERIA

NORWAY

OMAN

PAKISTAN

PANAMA

PERU

PHILIPPINES

POLAND

PORTUGAL

PUERTO RICO

QATAR

ROMANIA

RUSSIA

RWANDA

SAUDI ARABIA

SENEGAL

SERBIA

SEYCHELLES

SINGAPORE

SLOVAKIA

SLOVENIA

SOUTH AFRICA

SOUTH KOREA

SPAIN

SUDAN

SWEDEN

SWITZERLAND

TAIWAN

TANZANIA

THAILAND

TRINIDAD & TOBAGO

TURKEY

UGANDA

UKRAINE

UNITED ARAB EMIRATES

UNITED KINGDOM

URUGUAY

USA

UZBEKISTAN

VENEZUELA

VIETNAM

YEMEN

ZAMBIA

Now, if you didn’t find the one you are from, please let me know. And again, thank you for your interest – and did I mention the thing about me being in awe?

All my best to you and your families, friends and the people you find inspiring; this is especially a good time to let them all know that you care (well, if you do, duh...)

With respect and warm wishes,

Peter B. Steiness

Now if you have withdrawal symptoms and crave reading one of Peter's posts, here's an appropriate link to one about Santa - enjoy

SANTA - I finally know the truth

MUSIC – are we really listening?

We are surrounded by music through radio, TV, in the office, at home, at the mall, any kind of mobile music player, riding elevators and in planes & automobiles; just to name a few. We listen to music when we exercise, sleep, work, party and so forth. We are constantly bombarded with these organized sounds that we call music. But are we really listening?

Music is an art-form consisting of sounds and silence. The pitch controls melody and harmony, we add tempo and rhythm as well as some dynamic and sonic qualities of timbre and texture – yeah, whatever…

Of course music is from the Greek mousike, which means art of the muses. I found that we do not really have a solid understandable definition of music, so I’ll give you my rendition: I see  music as a massive quantity of sounds, organized and executed in a way that is pleasing to me and my many senses.

I do not believe in the term noise, because to me, noise is sound; at times, a rather irritating one, but still a sound - so take that. Most music is very organized; some music is improvisational and then we have some that rolls into aleatonic forms, meaning some elements in the composition is left to chance – and that’s when we get up, cover our ears, roll our eyes, turn it off and/or leave the room. But when we listen to music, do we really listen?

For the most part music goes in one ear and out the other; it’s just part of the wall of sounds we are constantly surrounded by. And at times we crank up the iPod and concentrate a bit more in the listening department, as She Loves You (that would be The Beatles) is carving its way into our heads and activates our senses.

I was lucky enough to grow up with The Beatles (1963 and forward); She Loves You is a song I have listened to approximately 65 trillion times - at least. It is a simple composition consisting of vocals, bass guitar, rhythm guitar, single guitar and drums; the band set-up at that time. To me it’s as powerful a song today as it was back then – no matter or because of, how simple it is - really.

Now, you listen to the song, you snap some fingers, tap a few toes and otherwise go with the tune and the simplistic beat. But you can also listen to the song in a much more concentrated manner, which I really find fascinating, and it will change your attitude towards music.

With headphones or ear-buds in place, the volume up to the breaking-your-hearing point, you play one of your favorites. Listen to the piece as you normally listen and enjoy. Now play it again and try to pull in the drums. All of a sudden you realize how well it’s played (or not), but the point is that you can do this separation of anything you are listening to. While concentrating on the drums you find that the vocals and anything else is pushed into the background. So why do this? To me it enhances my listening pleasure (and in a few cases not).

Another thing you will experience is a much bigger appreciation of the music that you already like. Oh and that brings me to this: What is good music? Any music you like – plain and simple.

We take music for granted, which is understandable as we have been listening to it for a few years. The first instruments were flutes, as far as we know; they go way back to pre-historic times, which is some 40,000 years ago. But when we really listen to today’s music or what Beethoven did back around 1800 (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUDWIG – he would have been something like 242 yesterday (12/16)), we find a terrific and exciting world of WOW; and here is why…

I believe that music-wise, we are spoiled. We take all these songs and pieces of music for granted – we get a bit ignorant in the process, as our expectation level soars high as a kite; yes, including me – no, not me being high as a kite; duh.

You can pretty much take any music and really listen and appreciate. K.D. Lang sings I Want it All which is a driving song that is basically simple in composition, but when you really listen, the bass run, drums, and all the rest is produced in a fascinating and superb way. To some the song is not much, but when you really listen to all those utterly fascinating layers of sounds, the perfection of execution, to me, that is music, real music at its best.

Beethoven’s last (full) symphony, the Ninth, is so complex. But the second we turn both ears to the deep layers of what this dude composed, it is amazing how he did it; and he was totally deaf the last half of his life. All these multitudes of instruments put together in a firework of wonderful and exciting sounds, cannot be more awesome – no way. Even if your taste is not the classics, you must give yourself a chance and listen – really listen.

Too often we forget the artistry of the performers. Though I’m not fully sold on Metallica (heavy metal rock), I am utterly enthralled with the quality of the production of their songs, their perfection in execution and especially the totally awesome drum/percussion work by Lars Ulrich (a fellow Dane); absolutely one of the best in the business.

Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston and so many other singers, with their perfectly attuned voices, becoming another instrument played so well. Sure they do take after take to get it right, but we are listening to the end product and that’s how we judge, how we enjoy – tapping toes and snapping fingers, going WOW.

The fast moving fingers of piano players like Oscar Peterson and Arthur Rubenstein, so fast it literally makes you dizzy, as you cannot fathom how the heck they can do it – and trust me, I have tried so many times and I’m not even close.

The superb guitar work of Eric Clapton, Segovia, George Harrison and so many more; the 20-piece big band hitting the notes to perfection. Music is a fascinating world – it really is.

When I was a kid, my Mother and I used to listen to classical music together. Our favorites were the 1812 Overture by Tchaikovsky and Finlandia by Finnish composer Sibelius. We both got into the stories we each saw in these pieces – and every time we ended up with tears running. When we really listen, that can happen – again and again.

Music is for all kinds of moods; when we are sad, happy, pissed or just because. We react to music by smiling, crying, dancing – music can direct our emotions, if we want it or not. It also makes us break out doing silly things.

At times I play the air-guitar to Rudy Rotta & Brian Auger’s BOOM BOOM, in front of the mirror, dressed only in underwear. It’s a rocker that rocks so fantastic. When I’m depressed, or in a nasty mood, music is the medication that will clear all that out; but when doing the underwear-air-guitar thing in front of the mirror, our pets run down into the basement in horror. I know they must be utterly desperate, because we don’t have a basement.

I like my kind of music loud and full. I’ll eventually lose some of my hearing, but it will be worth it all – BOOM BOOM, Beatles, Beethoven and so many other – (now where did I put that air-guitar?)

Till next Monday - Listen to the music, please...

DIVERSITY – how awesome is that?

When each of us respects diversity

we will all get stronger – together.

This is a line I wrote some years back and I fully believe the power of those words – not because I wrote them, but the meaning of them. Yes, it sounds as simple as most solutions sound, but with this one we can start at home and work our way from there. The results could be so awesome. Don’t you think?

Among the billions of human beings we live with, there are such multitudes of differences: skin-color, nationalities, languages, religions, traditions, values and the list of our differences is extremely long. But why don’t we more so look at the list of what we have in common instead of what we do not have in common; wouldn’t that make sense? Isn’t that a much better place to start?

We are all stuck on this globe-thing together; the moon is not ready to be invaded yet. Universally we all want to live happy lives, we want to survive whatever situations we are faced with, we want to love, be loved, be happy and care for our children, our families and friends and then die from natural causes, like old age; how simple is that? And that is what we ALL want, no question about it.

We are intensely suspicious about our differences. That’s why we have insecurities when facing people “not like us”, starting with some of our neighbors and that is not good. We should make the effort to understand each other much better by communicating a lot more. Bigotry, racism and homophobia (to name a few) are just factions I strongly believe could be diminished in strength by simple communication, learning, knowledge, understanding and from that: respecting. Yes, I am that naïve, but I do trust it can work a lot better than it does.

If we gather a few people from a multitude of different countries and place them in one space, I am convinced that they will quickly find common ground, based on simple human needs, instincts, feelings, emotions and simple zest for living. And it will work, because they get to know each other as human beings first, without borders and without molds we believed they belonged in. “IMAGINE”, John Lennon asked us to do…

We have a tendency to discard things and people and stuff that are different from ourselves; diverse makes us uncomfortable, so we react defensively. When we lack knowledge about something, we have a penchant to quickly ignore and discard instead of seeking understanding and learn. So we become ignorant, instead of wise and sympathetic.

When we look around within our little world of home, family, work and leisure, we’ll find that we are not fully embracing the power of understanding each other when faced with diversity. Insecurities make us judge and pass sentence, instead of accepting and respect. Based on one person’s actions, we blame his or her race world-wide. Like when swearing at somebody on the freeway who just cut you off – perhaps referring to that person’s ethnic background? When faced with a group of young boys being loud and “young”, obviously having a great time, do you tend to meet that with a negative thought, or do you smile and wave and do the “hi”-thing? They are young, for crying out loud and you used to be young as well – don’t you remember? Or do we go: All boys are loud and stupid? Admittedly, generalization is fast and easy, but also ignorant and for the most part: silly. Don’t you agree?

When we face the true understanding of diversity, we primarily translate it into a racial issue. True, race is obviously a big one; but is racial only a color concern? It is unfortunately so much more. Living in Copenhagen (being the cool ones, of course) we made jokes about the “farmers & fishermen” living in the western part of Denmark; or we explained simple things in a derogatory way so the people living in Aarhus (a larger city in western Denmark) could understand it. Was it funny? No. Was it ignorant? Yes. Did I get some laughs out of it? Yes. But it was cheap and pathetic. Jokes and comments about someone different from you, are applied unfairly because we are ignorant and lack knowledge, and that does not move us any closer to a better understanding of each other. Yes, I have sinned millions of times, but as I have gotten more mature (older), I find regrets in every stupid comment I have ever made in that department – I really do.

As an example, I have never thought “dumb blond” jokes were funny – seriously. So I was happy when I could close the diversity gap with this “dumb blond” joke:

“Why are dumb blond jokes so short?”

“So men can understand them…”

But then we are being insensitive to men; yet another “diversity” issue. Crap, it’s not getting any easier, is it? It was supposed to…

We are told to tip-toe around racial issues to stay political correct. We are suing each other for bigotry and being racists by not using the correct language. A Negro is no longer a Negro, and no longer a black person, but is at the moment an African-American. I’m still a white dude – so seriously, should I be offended when I have to check the box on the form that says WHITE? Perhaps it should say: Caucasian; but nobody can really spell or pronounce it correctly. Does all this sound silly to you? It should, because it is - really silly.

So what are we doing? We are supposed to get along, respect diversity, but instead we come up with new names for the same things, broadening the gap when we need to narrow it. We are told to tip-toe around our differences, when we should learn, respect and seek to understand these differences a lot better instead and then acknowledge all our sameness. So why can’t we just do that? We must make it easier to learn and understand each other, so we can move forward hand in hand; and I truly believe that is what we all want and must do.

For the most part we treat diversity with disrespect because of insecurities, ignorance and lack of information. Instead we should embrace diversity and acknowledge how unique and awesome it really is. And we can start doing so by dealing with issues around ourselves, solve our small insignificant “differences” with understanding and respect, and then work our way from that point – and when each of us respect diversity more, we will all get along a lot better – are you ready to try it?

I respect you for who you are; whatever gender, color or creed, sexual orientation, faith, nationality and choice of favorite soccer-team (which is the tough one, of course); yes, I stand by this entire acceptance, respect and perhaps a bit of LOVE? (As long as you are not on the wrong side of the judicial system and well-known to the police, Interpol, CIA or FBI – my diversity acceptance does have limits, just so you know)…

Until next Monday – get to know thy neighbor (there’s a start…)

AGE – wanna be younger?

I’m 66 – perhaps I sound younger if I tell you that I’m 66-1/2? Or did that just make it sound immature and pathetic?  No matter how we announce our age, we have this constant dissatisfaction with respect to how old we are; seemingly, we are never truly settled nor satisfied with our actual age - don’t you think that’s weird?

Okay, from new-born till I was 6 years old, I probably couldn’t have cared less about age, because I didn’t know any better; existing was simple. It was all about sleeping, eating, pooping and playing 24/7; what a life, huh?

Then I started to become age-conscious; all of a sudden I was not happy with 6 and couldn’t wait till I hit 7. 7 arrived and 10 was the next new goal. At 15 I couldn’t wait for 18, as 18 was some kind of big-age-step, including a license to drive (in Denmark). Of course at 18 I was longing for the drinking age at 21 (in the USA) and time to legally get shit-faced (that would be drunk - in most languages).

From that point on I cruised till I was 40 without many age-concerns; but at 40 I reminded myself that I had reached mid-life, meaning about half of the expected lifespan – Yuk, if you ask me…

I celebrated 50 with a nice party, but realized that now I had fewer years left than I had already lived; reality with a bit of morbid flavor – don’t you agree?

At 60 I finally figured out that there wasn’t a heck of a lot I could do about that age-thing. For a short period of time, I seriously contemplated the whole old fart issue and the limited time I had left – I really did. It was depressing in a sad and pathetic way. But I got out of it by realizing how much life I had left, how I seriously enjoyed life much more now than ever. How fortunate I am being married to my very best friend (and she’s younger – not that it matters); two great sons, cute pets, superb family and loving friends and we also live in one of the most beautiful areas and so forth – I can’t complain.

So the question: want to be younger? There were moments around 60 where I did have thoughts of what if? But they were just thoughts and then the urge of getting younger disappeared as I realized how lucky I actually was – right there and then, and right here and now.

We are bombarded from all sides, that it’s (for whatever reason) cooler to be younger, look younger, act younger, no matter our age. Some people buy into it, and I fully respect that – to each his/her own, as the saying goes. But in a few cases I think some of those people look silly in the process, especially when they are trying too hard.

Of course I have had fantasies about being 20-something with the life experience and knowledge I have today. Wow, I mean how cool would that be, on so many levels – hubba hubba. And then I swing back to life as it really is, smile, giggle, but still think: “it could have been some serious fun, huh?”

So how are you handling this whole thing? Are you purchasing rejuvenating lotions, drinking from the spring-of-youth, dress under your real age and below your actual size, use the term “DUDE” and “OMG” a lot and only give your real age to the police – when asked? Do you actually really want to be younger than you are? Or are you one of those real weird and unpredictable persons who are rather satisfied being your age? I hope you cope, and welcome in the club – it took me a while to become a member.

Age is a measure we to some extent are not comfortable with. When I hit the tender age when I could actually buy tickets for the movies at a senior citizen discount (Yuk), saving a buck or two, I refused to take advantage of that, as I was not ready to give my advanced age away. And really, how pathetically stupid was that? Now I don’t give a hooters and I save as many dollars my age will carry – even got to the point when buying anything: (with a pretend shaky old person voice): “How much is the senior citizen discount on this?” Sometimes I get a few bucks off, but most of the time they rightfully roll their eyes and think: “old fart…” I can’t blame them – but a buck is still a buck, huh?

And why is it that it’s okay to ask a male gender person his age, but asking a female her age is seemingly against Federal law? Do you know why? I think it’s stupid and therefore I have never had a problem asking any female her age – when appropriate and consistent with the situation, of course. Okay, I’m not naïve enough to believe that I’m always told the truth, but in most cases I think I am.

So why do we have such a hard time dealing with our age, whatever it is? Why is it that we make it totally clear that we are 12-1/2 years old and not just 12? I always giggle when somebody older still uses the -1/2, as in 66-1/2. I’m not sure what it means; to me that additional -1/2 means squat, while I remember that I also used it a lot back then.

The deal is that there is not much we can do about this age/time thing. No matter what, it is constantly moving forward – it will never stop and it most certainly will never roll back – no matter how much we would like it to. Sure, behaving immaturely, which I am a master at doing, might cut a few years, but does not leave a positive image – far from; pitiable comes to mind.

So how old will I get (since I’m not getting any younger)? From I was a teenager, I have had this theory that I will outlive my last living parent by at least 5 years. I live a healthy life; I don’t do a lot of stupid things that would shorten my expected life-expectancy. My dear Mother is 92 (-1/2, giggle giggle), so I am heading towards 97 (-1/2). So far, that is giving me about another 31 years – plus (-1/2?) to enjoy life.

I have always appreciated life – at least a vast majority of the time. But now life feels even more precious, fun and interesting in a much more concentrated way. I really wish the younger people would understand the importance of enjoying where they are now. Stay your age, enjoy and appreciate, as well as respect the fact that we do only get this one chance – so don’t screw it up, as life does not have time for petty and ignorance.

Live life to the fullest (within what’s legal) – while also accepting that we will not get any younger, no matter what we do and how hard we try; but that’s also okay – it really is.

Till next Monday

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX – but we really don’t

We talk a lot; we talk a lot about a lot of things – we pretty much talk about everything. But we don’t really talk a lot about sex, if at all. Don’t you think that’s weird in a strange kind of way? I mean sex is as natural as eating, walking, bowling and breathing – so what’s the problem? Why can’t we talk freely about sex?

Let’s see if you cringe, sweat in strange places or blush during the following: The biological side of sex is referring to sexual reproduction, which consist, among many things, from the mix of genetic traits morphing into male and female varieties by combining specialized cells, that we all know are called gametes, to create an offspring that inherit traits from both biological contributors (aka. parents). The results are based on the quality of the supplied spermatozoa and ova (I looked it up). So are you okay? Was it a rough ride? Didn’t think so – I went through it several times without even clearing my throat or blushing.

The clinical biological explanation of sex, pretty much says that a woman and a man hook up, get it on and do that sex-thing we don’t want to talk about in straight language. Though we know precisely what they are doing down to the most intimate details, we are really shy and uncomfortable talking about sex “that way” (while disturbingly realizing how much we learn about sex from movies and TV programs. Well, not exactly real sex, but at least movie and TV sex).

It’s kind of a weird moral condition as we accept statues and paintings of fully naked men and women in museums, but when I strut around downtown San Francisco in all my nudity, I get arrested (while supported loudly by applauds from onlookers, in appreciation of my physique or stupidity).

But when it’s the daily variety sex-chat that pops up, for the most part we turn hesitant, reluctant, slightly embarrassed, while scraping the ground with our left foot going: “gee shucks…” Sounds familiar? So why is it like that?

As I arrived in the USA back in 1975, my English was fair – I got around. Lying by the pool in Marina Del Rey a guy next to me pointed at this nice looking woman and told me that he really wouldn’t mind sleeping with her. What, was he some kind of pervert? But then I heard that term more often and quickly (duh) figured out that it meant “to have sex with”. So why can’t we just say that. Sure he wouldn’t mind sleeping with her at some point; afterwards - hopefully not during…

Intra-gender we talk about sex, but in terms that are not clinically accepted, but more so in slang-terms. We try to hide the fact that we are tip-toing in areas of discomfort, by seemingly being cool about it – which we are not. Straight talk about sex is iffy, at best.

I know, we substantiate this condition of non-talk by claiming that sex is very personal, as we expose emotions, feelings, open hearts, etc. and we find a gentle vulnerability that we don’t particularly want to share with anybody else. Even long-time couples and sex-partners, no matter their abilities and experiences, have a hard time chatting about the events, dissecting the course of actions, to perhaps improve and/or enhance. So they let their actions speak for themselves - hopefully.

The sad part of non-communication concerning sex is when one person has concerns about what is happening or not happening. In many cases they find it hard to express, difficult to bring up, and not only due to the uncomfortable subject matter, but also because of the emotional reaction it might create in the other participant.

Any “suggestions” might be taken as an attack of performance, so defensive could be the result of confrontation, no matter how gently the issue is presented.

It’s hard to talk about sex because of all the emotions involved and due to the deep personal experience it is for each individual person – so we decide not to talk about it much - if at all.

When our children reach the age when that sex-thing shows its interesting head, when they start to become curious and then sexually attracted to whomever, the famed “talk” must be activated. As I understand it, for the most part it’s the fathers who must clear their collective throats and forge ahead. But the forging ahead is being delayed several times (years?) so when they finally sit down with Melissa or Frank, the sex-talk goes like this:

“Well, my child, we need to talk about sex – are you okay with that?” The child looks at the father and smiles the sweetest smile.

“Yes Dad; what do you want to know?”

And the truth is, that’s pretty much how it goes these days. Neither my father nor my mother ever gave me “the talk”. What I initially learned about sex was from my pals, a totally torn up book about procreation from the school’s library, horridly crude drawings by icky classmates and a tiny bit of sex-education in class. The teacher pretty much did the pull-condom-over-banana bit and that was it. For some of the more naïve kids this was very confusing: “Peter, I nearly made out with Pam last night, but dang it, I forgot the banana…” kind of issue.

I do remember a sex-chat I had with classmates of mine in camp. I even remember who were there. It was Leif, Ellen, Ruth, Pia and I – approximately a million years ago; we must have been around 12 or something. I remember what we talked about and I recall the way we talked about it – very matter of fact and straight forward, and I even remember where and remember that I learned a lot.

In the past I was excited about scenes in movies where they went for it. My favorite was when they can’t wait (like normal people do) to get it on, so they tear their clothes off in a kind of sexy manner, push all the utensils off the butcher-block in the kitchen and off they go. I always thought that was so cool – even felt an exciting urge to buy a butcher-block to get that kind of action – duh… Of course I could have started out small, by using a simple cutting board…

But then it turned stupid and embarrassing, and though I still appreciate looking at naked bodies (to a certain extent), I move in my chair and can’t wait for it to be over. I get clinical about it, questioning the lack of foreplay in those scenes, the distinct absence of romance, respect and true concern of each partner’s experience.

But they are still doing the butcher-block thing like it’s something new. To me it’s not, only embarrassing and uncomfortable to watch – so I do what any mature adult does: cover my ears, close my eyes and do that weird sound thing.

I do understand why we are not freely letting our mouths run off about sex this and sex that – I’m okay with status quo. If we actually started to narrate sexual experiences, wouldn’t that blow the romance and a lot of the excitement out the window (or off the butcher-block)? I knew you would agree.

This said, I do strongly believe that if there are issues that are in the way of a better sexual experience as well as sexual relationship, then we MUST talk about it – (not me, of course, because I’ll be too busy blushing and going: “gee shucks”, while covering my ears)…

Till next Monday.

This is a 232 page gathering of my posts from that first year of blogging and easy to read. If you have been following these weekly posts on-line, you’ll have them all together in this handy book; how convenient is that? I have made a few adjustments, but it’s not like it’s totally different from what you can read on the blog.

So how about using this book as a present for someone, family, friends, unsuspected colleagues or even total strangers, just to make them happy, make it possible for them to improve their lives and stuff like that? Just imagine how thankful they’ll be for your consideration, your thoughts and concern; I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

I have made it a goal of selling a lot of these books. It’s not really for the money (though my lovely Mother thinks so), but it’s because I think this book has some decent suggestions, cheap laughs and giggles, and I see nothing wrong with that – do you? I knew you wouldn’t.

If you and all these family, friends and colleagues of yours want a signed copy, all you/they have to do is send me an E-Mail with their name and (postal) mailing address.

steiness@sbcglobal.net

and I’ll do the rest – what a guy.

Otherwise the book is available through amazon.com here in the USA as well as in Europe. The Kindle edition is $5.95

Paperback $12.95 (USA) + $3.95 S&H

For signed copies, contact me through my E-Mail above

Thanks for your support, interest and time – really

Peter B. Steiness

 

GIVING THANKS – but just once a year?

After hundreds of years, President Roosevelt finally signed into law, that we shall officially stuff a turkey and then our faces, every fourth Thursday in November – like forever, I think he said. Being linked to a romantic part of history and the tradition we fully embrace, this grand celebration of appreciation is rightfully called Thanksgiving. In importance, it is right up there with my birthday.

We get together with family and friends, people we love or at least like. We enjoy the extended meal; perhaps even the extended weeks of left-overs. And in between eagerly stuffing our faces, we express thanks and appreciation, not just for the food and Aunt Angela’s many hours in the kitchen – but universal thanks for everything, pretty much. But that’s where I get a bit miffed; why are we dedicating just one day a year to give thanks?

What I’m concerned, we are spoiled. Now, don’t get all huffy puffy with steam coming out your ears. In this case I use “spoiled” to describe something a tad ignorantly cute, though it is seriously an issue we should pay more attention to.

I can swing with calendar days dedicated to remembrance and acknowledgement; most of us respect those days. Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day, D-Day and so forth, with my all-time favorite: Valentine’s Day (it’s the high-calorie chocolate, of course). But do I really need this once-a-year reminder of how much I adore my wife? I acknowledge my love for her every single day, including deep respect and appreciation - thank you.

So an annual reminder of giving thanks? We are spoiled to the extent that we have so much stuff and many people to be thankful for; and we pretty much take it all for granted. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like we don’t appreciate all these things, family and friends, but shouldn’t we at least acknowledge all this joy more than just once a year? I know, you and I do it all the time – but it’s the rest out there I’m worried about…

No, I am not asking anybody to run around and verbally express gratitude and thanks every time we leave the seat down or water of your choice is running or not, as you turn the faucet thing left or right. I don’t find it necessary to send Bill Gates a thank-you note every time Windows 7 performs as it is supposed to.

But what I would like us to do more is acknowledge the thousands of daily wonders we are surrounded by, what makes it all work and who makes it all function; pay more attention to the people we love, by letting them know; and appreciate the ones who love and appreciate us; a bit more of that will improve the quality of our daily lives - don’t you agree?

We function better when encouraged – we really do. We put in a bit more energy when somebody tells us how much they appreciate our effort. Acknowledgement, being thankful and appreciation go both ways; it is as gratifying to give as it is to receive - and not just once a year.

Instead of telling our children we love them, let’s tell them why we love them. Tell your husband he still looks hot in those underwear he bought 14 years ago; he will giggle with appreciation, and still not get rid of them. Leave a bottle of wine and a card that says: “Great job” and your co-worker will feel like a million; and the list is long. And always remember, the biggest sign of appreciation, thankfulness and acknowledgment is that great smile of yours.

The list of what I appreciate cannot to any extent be crammed into just one day of thanks, no matter how much great gravy goes with it. So I try to spread it out and that helps making my life even fuller; I can highly recommend it and it doesn’t cost a dime.

The fourth Thursday every November, we celebrate Thanksgiving. But remember, giving thanks is the exciting 364 day feast that can be just as warm, rich and rewarding – and without the turkey leftovers.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Here in the USA we celebrate a day of thanks. If interested to know a bit more about this day and its history, I published a post November 2011 that you might be interested in reading – so here’s the link:  

THANKSGIVING - and do you know why?

FROM CUTE BABIES TO CLEVER KIDS

Let’s all admit that babies are cute - and no matter the irrational side to the following, that is pretty much how we decide to make our own adorable babies. What I’m concerned, if that cute baby part doesn’t smell of conspiracy regarding the attempt to move the human race forward, I don’t know what it smells like (besides that horrific diaper odor).

ELVIRA – PART OF THE CONSPIRACY

After they pop out, grow up a bit, begin to walk and especially start talking, we belatedly acknowledge that a more rational pre-reproduction thinking should have been considered. The work involved having a child is tremendous - and the cost? OMG. Nobody told me about all this stuff; not even my Mother – but of course I never asked her, because babies are soooo bloody cute.

Role-Model is soon tattooed on our foreheads and the huge responsibility it brings along, nobody can teach us about or even make any sense of; we wouldn’t understand. We simply have to learn on the job - and what a job it is, especially when you want to do it well.

It would be easier if kids were just like “duh” for a really long time (okay, some are like that, even deep into their golden years and beyond). But we soon find that kids are so far from stupid – they are actually very smart and clever; a thing we self-proclaimed adults at times forget or might not willingly admit to; but to me from cute babies to clever kids is extremely real (and exciting).

Thinking back to the childhood of our two sons, so many fond moments pop up, they really do. When I look at pictures from back then, I often find tears rolling down my suntanned cheeks – tears of joyous remembrance (sigh). Images bring back conversations we had, the (role-model) parent constantly explaining to the child, about things and stuff, this and that, why and why-not, how and how-not – and I never used: “just because”.

I decided pre-birth to communicate with our sons, from the time they were born, the way I did and do with adults. In my evaluation, I felt that a lot of the gagga-googgoo stuff was derogatory (as in: degrading) towards the babies and kids. Now you can huff & puff and disagree, but that’s how I did it. Not as a reason why, but I was an older kind of parent at about 40 with my wife about 30.

When we got pregnant with the first one, I decided to quit my day-job and become an at-home parent (while starting a new business, also from home, at the same time, with my wife going back to work). Of the three greatest decisions I have ever made in my life, marrying my wife was the first; staying home with our first born was the second and staying home with our second son, was the third – no contest what-so-ever.

So it was the start of that on-the-job hands-on learning curve of becoming a role-model and the best parent that I could be. I quickly acknowledged the raw reality that every single situation that was new to me as a parent was new to the kid as well. So as that quickly sank in, I was much more respectful in my parenting. I wasn’t always the one being right – when I listened to the child’s opinion. But that was also okay and something I think we all respected.

There is such a refreshing honesty beaming from most kids. It can be cruel at times and as kids grow up, that cruelty can be crushing – but we must understand that at that point in their lives, they don’t know any better. We try to explain, but then we at times also forget the maturity level these kids are on, so we don’t understand why we don’t connect, when we really should know better.

They tell us the truth as they see it, and due to our beliefs, our experiences and morals, we might find that truth irrational, rude and inconsiderate; but they don’t know any better - yet. Sure there is a lot of experience missing as they are young, but I truly believe that if we as parents (role-models) acknowledge that more so than we do, standing stubbornly on how WE feel about it, not trying to understand more so how the kids feel (and would know) about it, a lot of these conflicts would be non-existing. As adults we must acknowledge this much more than we do, as we cannot (yet) expect this understanding from the kids – we really can’t.

“Elvira, you must remember that you cannot beat up on your older brother the way you did.” The father (aka: role-model) communicates to his daughter. “Now he has a bloody nose, scratches on his face and a bruised ego – why did you do that?”

“He kept calling me names and he messed up my room and was being utterly stupid and immature…” She spoke in a clear and controlled voice.

“But sweetheart, you know how we have told you so many times that we do NOT solve problems with violence; don’t you remember?”

“But Daddy, I sat him down and explained the situation so clearly to him. I told him, just what you said about “problem solving, not using violence”, and that’s when he tore off Beach Barbie’s bikini and told me she was ugly…”

“And then what?”

“I beat the crap out of him…” Elvira had a smirk plastered on her face.

“But sweetheart, you are seven years old and you should know better by now…” She interrupted her father.

“Daddy, now you are using my age in relation to knowledge and experience. As you know “age” is just a measure of time – and nothing else…” The father became slightly puzzled – and cleared his throat…

“Well, but let’s refrain from violence when solving problems, okay?” And he got up to flee the room… But Elvira had not even started.

“Daddy, you talk about not using violence when needing to solve a problem; I understand that, but can you explain to me why we have wars? Why did 625,000 die in the Civil War; all of them Americans, brothers killing brothers, fathers? The First World War with 11 million killed; Second World War with about 60 million. And why are about 13,000 here in America murdered annually? Isn’t it for the most part to solve problems? And how about suicides? About 26,000 men and 7,000 women find that to be a way to “solve” things? So where’s your logic? Why are you telling your child to refrain from problem-solving violence when that is all we see around us? I mean, turn on the TV and there you go – guns in hands, solving stuff…” Father cleared his throat.

“Do you think we can fix Beach Barbie’s bikini?”

The point is that we do want to teach our children about a better world, and we do our best – at least we try (A for effort). But at times logic clashes with reality, a reality our children let us know about – and as the kids see the bigger pictures much clearer than we give them credit for, we should all meet halfway?

No, kids shouldn’t rule the world. They will eventually, but they are not ready yet. And that’s the job we are doing, preparing them to take charge. When we acknowledge and respect wherever they are, perhaps listen to them with bigger ears, I look at a great future and not a lot of worries. Sure those babies are cute, and then they turn into clever kids – which I also find is as cute as can be; with a lot of respect, of course.

Till next Monday – listen to a kid, really; they’ll tell you the truth…