Monday, August 29, 2011

FREEDOM OF SPEECH – with a big but

It’s kind of interesting how we use or misuse the word “free” or “freedom”. My initial conclusion is that nothing is actually free – so take that. Freedom of Speech is an enormous so-called freedom that all man and woman-kind should be able to enjoy, but unfortunately we don’t. As with all freedoms, the one concerning speech does come with a few buts…
Historically I’m sure we can go far back (yes, even beyond my childhood; I heard that, thank you) and see specks of the idea here and there. Back in good old England in 1689, their Bill of Rights granted freedom of speech in Parliament; they have been screaming and shouting insults at each other ever since. In 1948 the Universal Declaration of Human Rights started with: “Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression…” and so forth. It’s pretty much allowing us to speak without censorship; and this is where the “buts” come in. Freedom of speech is not absolute in any country as it is subjected to limitations (read censorship?) You are a bad girl or boy if you speak in ways of libel, slander, obscenity, incitement to commit a crime, involve pornography (oh no!) and hate speeches, to name a few. So right there, all the fun in talking has been removed in one swell swoop – dang it. What we should read is that we must always speak with respect and consideration. When we don’t we’ll have a million special-interest groups and individuals on our case dragging us to court. For the most that thing is going way beyond the fundamentals of our freedom to speak freely – unfortunately.
Oops, I was wrong; we do have a freedom with no buts attached. The freedom of thought is closely linked to other freedoms as in religion, speech and expression. We are so totally free to think whatever we want to think and that we do – a lot. This is something we are taking full advantage of and in the same breath, we are so utterly grateful that nobody can mind-read any of those thoughts; but are we sure they can’t? You flinched a bit, didn’t you? Can you imagine what would happen if we all of a sudden thought what we were saying and said what we were thinking? (A bit too fast for you? Try again slowly.) We would be dead meat and friendless and probably in that order, but most certainly very fast. I get all sweaty just writing it; I better start censoring what I’m thinking – especially in public…
And finally we are on the level of how all this works in our everyday life. Declarations and laws and stuff can at times (often) go in one ear and hopefully out the other. It’s the hands-on situations we care more about. My simplification of this speech freedom thing is: If you don’t wanna pay, you don’t wanna say. Remember Frank from an earlier post, still 380 pounds, low on hygiene and high on beer? You stupidly feel protected by the freedoms of speech and expression, feeling safe telling Frank that he is fat and that he smells really bad. You have had your say and now it’s time to pay. What you, silly person, would really like to hear in return from Frank is: “I appreciate your concern and interest and I will slim down fast and take several of them shower things… even using soap and water…” But Frank’s response consist of a tight fist at approximately 52 pounds (for readers in Europe, that’s about 23.6 kilos) going 60 miles an hour (96 kilometers) at which speed it lands on your nose, pretty much flattening it… Ouch. You say you pay. Okay a bit extreme, but you get the idea.
Our speech is legally free within limitations, so it is all about how well we express ourselves. Just thinking about how we must constantly adjust what we are going to say in the situations we are in; how much of that freedom do you still feel? We constantly consider the reactions to what we are going to say before we say it – yes, we all do. We are so good at it that these decisions are made in nano-seconds (which is very fast, even for me) and it comes rather naturally, very fluently without interruptions. Okay, so we are a bit too quick once in a while and then we have to pay. But for the most we are good at it – really good.
Thinking about what we want to say and how we want to say is essential within our freedom of speech. For the most I think about what I’m going to say before I say it – but in some cases, unfortunately, I think about it several weeks later.

Remember: We learn from listening, not from talking  
See you next Monday – really…

Monday, August 22, 2011

RUBBERNECKING – not just for exercise

Rubbernecking is that gawking thing we do looking at the carnage, death, slaughter, bloodbath, the piles of mangled vehicles (burning is even better) and other forms of destruction and accidents on the roads we travel. Traffic is flying fine at 65 miles an hour, we are heading for home, but suddenly it all comes to a crawl. First thought is accident and we swear and get irritated and just want to move back up to 65 and home. We finally arrive to the reason we are now using Interstate 5 as the longest parking-lot ever: the accident; and this is the moment we do that rubbernecking thing till it hurts. Admit it; you are rubbernecking as much as the rest of us.
But the question is: WHY DO WE DO IT?  I have yet to figure that one out. Okay so it most certainly has something to do with morbid curiosity, and I can swing with that; but the WHY still pops up. Do we wish these people bad things in their unfortunate situation, the poor victims of a terrible accident? Do we giggle and praise ourselves lucky that we are not involved, repeating several times: better you than me, buster? Or are we watching to learn?
The same goes with a lot of other stuff around us. If two people are arguing in public we tend to strain our ears to listen in. If it gets physical, it’s an instant crowd-pleaser, so we gather around and in some morose way can’t wait for the first blood to spill. I really don’t get it. And then you have the sports with this added violence as in hockey, as if it is not an aggressive and violent enough sport without the gloves-off fist-fights. If they took that kind of action outside the rink, they’d be arrested on the spot. But it is looked through the gloved fingers by those in charge, as it is a fan-favorite (well, for many to most fans). But why the heck do we enjoy watching it? Please tell me… Do we have some perverted suppressed aggression we need to release by watching other people mauling each other?
And of course my all-time favorite: Why do we pay big bucks for boxing matches and cage-fighting (I believe it’s called). The sole purpose is for these guys to knock, kick and savagely beat the crap out of each other; and the more blood we see the better. Are we that shallow that we find it entertaining on some level or other? Why are we praising violence so highly? I really don’t see the purpose, seriously.
But we do have a weird sense of being attracted to that kind of stuff. 30,000 cars are heading home Sunday evening; they are full of happy and tired people after a fun weekend in the snow. The headline in the paper the next day, tells us about the 3 serious accidents that happened in the process; we are never told about the other 29,997 cars that made it home safely – go figure. Wouldn’t it be nice with some good news once in a while? Reading the daily paper’s headlines and watching TV news, it is overwhelmingly negative, morbid and depressing stuff. Do we really want that? Are we soon heading for an exchange like this?
“Hey Peter, how’s it going?” I smile and answer.
 “Great, my mother died.”
“Wow; that is so cool…” Well, you get the idea.
We are constantly bombarded with violence as the only way to solve problems in our society. Movies and TV shows underline that. But we must like it and sadly agree with it, because as consumers we buy more and more. It’s the old supply and demand at its best; as long as we want it, it'll be available. But we have the power to change that; so why don't we?
Another weird thing is that we teach our children to solve problems and conflicts by communicating verbally, not by throwing punches (no matter how much they would really like to smash that idiot’s face – oops!). Again I tell our boys that violence solves nothing; they understand and mention that thing about: “Why do we have wars?” I elegantly pretend I didn’t hear it. So we head down to the movie-theatre to watch Pulp Fiction yet again (because it’s an artistically superb movie?) No we go see it because we like watching people be shot to pieces, problems being solved with blood and guts hanging out of the loser’s stomach and other bodily cavities. And when a couple starts arguing a few rows behind us, we are more than willing to activate that rubbernecking thing; okay, me too I’m sorry to say. But I don’t know why. The extremely weird thing is that I hate violence with a passion; and that’s the truth – really.
Now go make it a peaceful week, you hear! See you next Monday...

Footnote: Some research done in the early 2000 established that rubbernecking counted for 16% of all distraction-related accidents in the USA - 16%. Admittedly I have been darn close adding to those statistics several times, so I can believe that.

Monday, August 15, 2011

WOMEN, ME & EQUALITY (and it rhymes)

They say that even those devout macho type males, who can open beer-bottles with their teeth, have a feminine side. I don't fully know what that means, actually, but let’s run with it anyway. I suspect my feminine side is above average, as I have always felt more satisfied and relaxed in the company of women. No, you masculine-fire-breathing dudes, it’s not always about sex and football. It’s about relating, communicating, respecting, accepting, trusting and exposing feelings, honesty and thoughts, plus a lot more; and  NO I do not dress up in mini-skirts and high heels Tuesday evenings as some of you still believe I do... (But there’s an idea…)
Asking most women how they have been, they will tell you and for the most in great detail; I like that very much. Asking your macho male friends and they’ll respond: “Dude!” while they spit the beer-cap out and readjust their crotch area – yet again… Now, don’t get mad, I know that none of the male readers of this blog would ever do that; I'm just trying to make a point (lawsuits avoided?) The reality is that males and females are different on so many levels; that’s the thing we still have a hard time accepting and adjust to. My mantra is that: When each of us respect diversity, we will all get stronger – together. I live by that on all levels and it applies well to the relationship between males and females.
When our two genders start listening more to each other instead of wasting time trying to fit the other side into molds we genetically do not fit into very well, we will be on the right track. Remember that we are not at war; we are all on the same team wearing slightly different uniforms, but aiming at the same goal; so why not cooperate? Yes, “dudes”, it involves give and take, and many women do drink beer, already meeting you half way. I think that both genders are still stubborn and somewhat set in what is perceived as being “the only way”, but we really need to discard that and work together towards an understanding and respect concerning our differences – are you still with me?
Dee Dee Myers, former White House press secretary during Clinton’s first term, wrote a book I highly recommend you read. The title: Why Women Should Rule the World is of course provocative and to me a bra-burning-suggestive, but don’t let my interpretation of the title fool you. Dee Dee is telling us as it is, or more so as it SHOULD be. I fully agree with her thoughts and I’m there with pom-poms and encouragement for ALL of us to move forward and more so hand in hand than in-front or behind each other; let’s try that side-by-side thing.
Dee Dee was kind enough to send me a letter (a response to a note I sent her after I read the book), where she stated (quote): The road ahead won’t be easy; it never is. And if it was, women would already have achieved equal status (end of quote). Equal status on equal levels; I couldn’t agree more. Gender-wise we will always have differences, I most certainly hope, so we need to respect, understand and learn more about these differences and when we do, we apply that knowledge and the sky will be our only limit. Just imagine what we can accomplish together - wow. 
Concerning the good old Viking days and equality (since you asked), the images we are fed are of them rough and tough raiding and looting fellows killing everything left and right while wearing funny hats (no horns, actually); so utterly macho and chauvinistic. But historians have found that women in the Viking society were the key-holders to the chests (no, not those things, you silly person; the family chests holding the gold and silver and stuff…). They were in charge at home and kept in high regard and respected by the males. I clearly see that in today’s Scandinavia as it was also very apparent through my life in Denmark and so many years after the end of the Viking-Age. I always had the greatest respect for the seemingly natural equality I experienced there. Why not learn at least a little bit from something that took place a thousand years ago; yes indeed, why not?

Now don't get me wrong, we have come a long way since them rough and tough Vikings did that raiding bit, but it seems that we could move even faster towards that equality thing by being less stubborn. Are you doing your part already?

So all I suggest is that since each gender have such a massive library of superb and different skills, thoughts, logic, ideas, emotions and the list is very long on both sides, is to make a combined effort of team-work for all of us to forge ahead into the future faster than we would ever have imagined. Combining the two seemingly opposing teams into one is the deal – really.
 So let’s listen more across gender lines, let’s learn more about each other and let’s apply some of those many things we learn with respect and appreciation and we will see a much brighter future a lot faster – hand in hand and side-by-side. And then perhaps one day, every single one of us will be able to open beer-bottles with our teeth, watch football while breast-feeding our babies and make the same money for the same job – maybe a tad optimistic, but it could happen, duh! I know that we are already getting closer every single day, bit by bit; we are all heading in the right direction. I do hope you agree – really. (Shoot, I think I chipped a tooth – I’ll have wine next time)…

Monday, August 8, 2011

I HAVE DONE SEVERAL STUPID THINGS – and so have you

Let me clarify STUPID THINGS as stuff we have done that was brainless, irresponsible, thoughtless, rude, selfish, idiotic, etc. - you get the idea; just dumb stuff. I’m not talking about killing somebody and go: “Oops that was stupid”, because that is so above any form of comprehension and way beyond extreme stupidity. I’m just talking about things that do surprise us, as we normally would not have done that. If we only learn one thing from these I’m pleading insanity moments, let it be that we will never ever do it again – really.
I had traveled for two weeks; it was a chaotic trip and I eagerly wanted to get the heck home. Copenhagen International Airport was busy and there were lines everywhere. I finally had my boarding pass for Chicago and on to San Francisco. After the security check-point, I wobbled out to the gate. Then I waited in line outside the gate before being checked into the gate-lounge area to wait for boarding to begin. Got the picture? The line I was impatiently waiting in did not move. Time for departure was coming up fast, so I got even more irritated and frustrated; okay, at this time I had reached royally pissed. About 10 minutes before scheduled departure I heard my name over the PA system: “Mr. Peter Steiness, please come to Gate 24 immediately, we are ready for departure, bla, bla, bla”. But we were not even checked into the lounge yet! I grabbed my carry-on and rushed up to the counter banging into everybody on the way; at that point I had lost every bit of being cool. I proceeded to deliver an Oscar worthy tirade into the face of the unfortunate person who was supposed to have checked us in. I went on for a while, loud as ever, while she just stood there trying to give me her best calm-down-you-jerk look. “I don’t want to miss the (insert your favorite explicit – I used them all) flight to Chicago nor the (use it again) flight to SFO, so get the (oh no, not again) show in the air”; well, you get the idea. Everybody in the long line was now listening and seemed to enjoy the floor-show with Peter-the-Jerk as the main attraction. After several long moments I had to catch my breath at which time she calmly looked at me. “Mr. Steiness, do you want to visit Moscow?” I exploded yet again, “or do you want to go to Chicago?” she peacefully continued. “(*&^%$#) Chicago,” I screamed. “Well, in that case I suggest you run over to Gate 24 as fast as you can; this is Gate 23. All these nice folks are going to Moscow.” I had waited at the wrong gate for 45 minutes. I never felt so embarrassed, so utterly dumb and like such an extreme idiot. As I ran over to the correct gate (which was now closed, but they did let me in) many people in the Moscow line applauded – at the time it sounded very sarcastic. I finally wobbled down the aisle on the correct plane to find my seat; I just wanted to sit down and die. I was so positive everybody on this plane had also heard my loud tirade. Even today I have a hard time flying out of Copenhagen, as I feel they still recognize me – even after all these years.
The above scenario didn’t leave any casualties; nobody was hurt except my ego, pride, self-esteem, honor, calm demeanor, control of communication skills, you know, just about everything; but nobody else was injured. Even writing about this incident embarrass me; traveling through any airport today, I am constantly reminded of that time. But the positive thing is that I learned to triple check everything when I fly and have not done the wrong gate thing since – lesson learned.
I knew who she was; very sweet, lovely and a bit on the quiet side. I was living in Denmark and perhaps 23. A female colleague kept prodding me to ask this sweet and kind girl out, but at the time I was obsessed (pretty much) with another girl (who didn’t know I existed). Now don’t giggle and think I was some kind of Adonis-like Don Juan Lover-Boy. I was very far from that image; look up Nerd-Boy and there would be a picture of me. But this sweet girl wanted to go out on a date, but I didn’t. One evening she approached me in a restaurant where I was eating with some friends of mine. She asked me straight out if I wanted to come to her house and have dinner that next Friday. Now understand that any sane male would have grabbed that offer without blinking; she was that nice, intelligent and pretty. I felt caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place. “Okay,” I stuttered (and regretted it in that same breath)…
Friday arrived and I still did not want to go; but I got ready, got some flowers, a bottle of wine and drove to her house. As I parked in the front, my feet got very cold. It had absolutely nothing to do with her, only some really stupid stuff between my ears. With the vision and naïve hope of that other girl, I started up the car and drove off, making me an instant no-show-jerk.
The next day my female colleague who had suggested the previous evening’s date more or less, stormed into my office and gave me a bucket full of… well, you get the picture. This sweet girl had made a full course dinner with wine and candles and talked about me coming over (well, go figure). She had been excited and had looked forward to a nice evening with me – and then the no-show-jerk didn’t even call her to cancel nor to apologize. To top it all, she had seen me arriving, parked in front of her house, as well as leaving (fleeing is a better term).
Though this is so many years ago, I seriously feel a lot of shame, so much self-loathing every time I think about it. She has no doubt forgotten it all. I get very uncomfortable when I’m reminded of my utter stupidity and cruel disrespect concerning another human being. If I have ever learned a lesson, this is way up on top of the list. The stupid stuff incidents above, are just a couple of examples from my stupid stuff library.
I’m sure you also have some stupid stuff skeletons in the closet, something you regret you did or didn't do (feel free to share…). But when we learn from the stupid stuff we realize we have done, we have come a long way. None of us are stupid-stuff-free, and that’s okay, as it is just another part of growing up, being human and gather experience; and that part is not stupid at all.
This week, remember that a smile is the shortest distance between two people.
   

Monday, August 1, 2011

GIVE AND RECEIVE GIFTS CAN SUCK – AT TIMES

We have all been there, so no need to hide behind the monitor. If you tell me that this has never been an issue with you, I know you are lying – nobody’s that perfect. Giving gifts as well as receiving gifts can suck so bad that it’s actually rather funny, in a horrid kind of way – at times.

“Give me cash, checks or money-orders” I respond if anybody is silly enough to ask what I would like for my birthday. I seriously suspect that this is actually what we all want, cash – makes life easier for the gift-giver as well as the gift-receiver. But by some homemade law, which actually seems fairly international, we do not fork over cash as “gifts” as it is not personal, therefor not proper. I would have preferred my grandmother coughing up some dough instead of woolen bloody socks every Xmas (remember?) But nooooooh, it is not proper – says who?

See if this sounds somewhat familiar: I'm invited to a birthday party and I immediately feel the pressure; should I bring a present or not. Okay, stupid scenario, as the real deal is: “I have to deliver; so how much is she worth and what the heck do I get her.” Now don’t stop reading because it hits too close to home and gets slightly embarrassing. Just stay with me as it will get even worse - I dare you.

The money issue. So I automatically do some calculations involving, but not limited to the following criteria: How long have I known her? Is she a good friend, a close friend, do I really care about her, what was her name again, what did she give me for my birthday, what did it cost, did I like it, how much will other people spend, and the all-important: should I call in sick that day? Establishing an amount is as troublesome as picking the right gift.

Okay, I decide on the amount I want to blow based on the criteria above, so here comes the tricky part; what the heck should I get her? If I get her clothes, how big is she (bigger than me for sure), should I get her a size extra-large-awkward, will she look good in fat horizontal stripes, does anybody look good in fat horizontal stripes, toaster, salad-bowl set, gift-card to Jenny Craig or coupons for Alcohol Anonymous (she sure needs those…)? You can fill in the blanks as there are too many things to consider – and few of them are really comfortable. You know precisely what I’m talking about; if you say NO, you are not truthful – are you?

So I finally decide (forced by the mix of agonizing and desperation). Next, should I gift wrap it myself (Peter Cheapskate) or have it professionally done for $10 or more? Of course the professional job makes the present look impersonal and cold. “Couldn’t he have done it himself? Don’t I mean something to him?” She probably doesn’t, but I came anyway, didn't I? And if I wrapped it myself it would be “what a shabby job this thing is…” See, we can’t win. So all the presents in all their might and colors and ribbons and sizes end up on the dining room table for all to see, admire and envy; it's part of the competition. My flat, wrinkled and home-wrapped little thing does not measure up to the mighty boxes obviously wrapped by seasoned professionals. I decide never to gift-wrap again ever; one lesson learned. So everybody is now catering to the birthday person, everybody fighting to become her best friend ever, at least that day. She is now fully surrounded, has nowhere to escape to.
So here comes the big moment where she is going to start a bit of lying and agonizing and desperately try to show enthusiasm for stuff that normally would make her barf. Don’t say no and turn away, because we have all been there and we are all going back for more, strangely enough. She carefully picks the first present and reads the card. The expensive paper and ribbon are removed and the “gift” is exposed. Whatever pops out of that box will be met with expressions of joy and surprise and so many thank you so much’ s and my all-time favorite I always wanted one of these things followed by what is it?

So she labors through the dining room table and eventually reach my hand-made gift-wrapped contribution. She opens my offering slowly and everybody gasps as she unfurls the fat horizontal striped dress. It is hard for anybody to hold back giggles and oh my God’s. The birthday girl is in tears, but not the joyous ones. “Who is it from?” some nosey guest asks, but nobody answers and I'm keeping totally still. “Is there a card?” But they won’t find any because I have stealthily removed it from the table while nobody was watching – it is now resting in my left pocket; it was a very close call, but I seriously thought the dress would please her - I really did... What do I know about women's clothing?

Okay, so the above is a bit extreme, but soul-searching yourself, you have to admit that at least tiny bits are true. When we look back at some of the presents we have given and especially received over the years, how many do we actually remember? Where is that present now? Be honest and accept that I’m right, but don't feel shame about any of this; we are all on the same team. It's a really tough thing to deal with, as so many issues need to be decided to satisfy this one person’s taste and needs; too many considerations make it a very difficult task. Are you good at showing happiness and genuine appreciation when somebody gives you that gory looking glazed ceramic clock with the two clay owls making out around noon (on the clock that is)? I'm not; but at least I'm honest about it.

My conclusion is, that for the most we are good gift-givers and gift-receivers as we do make good choices for our friends and family members. And maybe it's just me who goes through the above - but I doubt I'm alone...  

Oh by the way, I found one reaction when receiving a gift you might try to avoid if you value your gift-giving friends. At a birthday I received this hideous thing (best way to describe it) and in my feeble mind of silly thoughts I blurted out: “Wow! This is such a perfect gift; how did you know we have a garage-sale next Saturday?” I lost yet another friend, but even worse, I couldn’t get rid of that damn thing at the garage-sale, couldn’t even give it away – go figure.

Footnote concerning the cash thing: My good buddy Russell and I have birthdays next to each other. We recognize these two days and the value of our friendship by giving each other $50,000; in my book of references, the perfect gift - you should try it some time and gift wrapping is not involved.

See you next Monday…