Monday, September 15, 2014

ITALY - not just for Italians


When visiting foreign countries we are more or less forced to communicate with the natives. If we are real clever, we speak the local tongues fluently or we do what most of us do, wobble to an understanding using the universal hand, finger and body-language method – either way makes no difference; we communicate. Sure it can be a bit awkward asking for directions to the cattedrale and we get a foot-massage instead, if we need one or not. It’s just part of traveling - something I like to do a lot; incidental foot-massages included, of course…
This summer I spent 10 days in Italy with my wife and one of my wonderful sister-in-laws; we are great travel-companions. We started out in Florence or Firenze as the locals call it, for three nights of eating and three days of Renaissance stuff, as in: ‘a lot of culture’… very cool indeed.
Michelangelo's 17 foot (5.17 m – for you foreigners) tall statue of a nude David was a lot more impressive in person than I had ever imagined. It took Mike about three years of chiseling, from 1501 to 1503. Considering the history of this statute and all the work he did, it is just so awesome; and remember that ‘power tools’ had yet to be invented. I asked one of the Italian guides if Michelangelo had also chiseled all the small David statues for sale in the souvenir shops, because if that was true, he would have been utterly busy. The guide laughed loud and long (in Italian), which I took as a NO. Actually the Italian word for ‘no’ is ‘no’; go figure...


Florence is a chaotic, busy, and at times smelly and a seemingly disorganized city, but so utterly charming and so, well Italian. The Italians can seem distant, unfriendly and in a hurry when they race by you in the street, but the moment we approached any of them, asking for directions and other tourist lack-of-knowledge issues, they smiled and were extremely eager to help out. I’m sure some of them would even consider supplying that foot-massage thing...

Vespas all over the place
Sure there were a few million other tourists visiting at the same time we were there, but I’m really fine with that because I'm an avid people-watcher (not in a perverted way, just avid - there is a difference, you know). I am also an avid photographer (took over 900 photos during this summer’s travels to Italy, Denmark and Sweden). Some of the pictures I take are of people taking pictures of other people - okay so perhaps a tiny bit perverted; never-the-less it’s a lot of fun for me, at least… See for yourself.









I was a bit sad as we left Florence in a small Alfa Romeo, barely room for the three of us and luggage. We had walked so many miles in this exciting place and inhaled it all. If you ever make it to Italy, Florence is a big must see/experience…

 
We headed south and reached Greve in Chianti which is in Tuscany, within an hour. The hotel we stayed in was on a big piazza, lined with shops and restaurants – very Italian and just so exciting and wonderful.

David, not looking like the statue at all, but one of the owners of the hotel and I got into a verbal exchange right away in the middle of the lobby. I can’t remember how the heck we reached this decision, but we both agreed that Benito (Mussolini) and Fascism should be re-instated, so the trains could depart and arrive on time again. Several people laughed out loud – I assume they agreed, which would be scary – perhaps they had no clue who this Benito dude was…that might explain a lot.
We spent 3 days in Greve as the center for our day-trips. We visited Sienna, Volterra (inhabited since the 8. Century) and several other grand places. The weather was weird; humid and sunny days, with thunderous and heavy rainy nights – but not a problem; just added to the list of great experiences.

One of the days we visited an old winery (everything seemed to be “old”) to taste some of their products. It was up a steep hill off the main road. I navigated the Alfa around a lot of holes on this long gravel-filled driveway. After the wine-tasting we headed down the hill very carefully, but all of a sudden we heard a nasty noise from the front-end of the car. 

I stopped at once and decided to back up a bit very carefully and try again. Now remember that Alfa Romeo’s sit very low to the ground, so this was not a perfect surface to drive on at all. As I backed up, we heard another noise that was even noisier and then we saw some weird black piece of something on the ground in front of the car; it was as big as a small Italian cow. I said a few choice words (so happy my Mother was not there), got out of the car and ‘inspected’ the cow-sized part that now rested on the ground – seemingly very dead.
AM COW! HEAR ME MOO! I WEIGH TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU! 
Not a real Italian cow
I found out that it was part of the wheel-well – I think it’s called. I lifted it up and placed it in the trunk and off we went. A few kilometers later I saw a big trash-bin and quickly got rid of the evidence; I succeeded looking very innocent the rest of the trip, and smiled charmingly to any ‘agente di polizia’ we saw on the way (we were fully insured, by the way); it was more so the perhaps illegal dumping of something as big as a small Italian cow that I was concerned about.

A real Italian train
We took a train back toward Bedonia where we were staying with friends, after a day’s visit to the glorious coastal towns of Cinque Terre (north-west Italy and a MUST see and experience). The three of us were chatting away while the train stopped at several stations. I thought it stopped at one station longer than usual, so I looked into some of the other cars and acknowledged that we were the only passengers left. Then I looked out the door and saw the conductors walking away. So we figured that the train was not going any further – nobody had told us. And that was also a charm, really – we did make it all the way back (so you can relax).

 
Anybody here?
I like traveling – a lot. I have been fortunate to travel as much as I have and still do – and I have never taken that for granted, thereby enjoyed it even more. It had been about 40 years since I visited Italy last and of course images lingered from those visits back then. This summer I experienced a wonderful country with just as wonderful people. Italy is not for Italians only, based on the way we were welcomed and treated; the energy of Florence, the absolutely beautiful country-side of Tuscany and our visit with good friends in Bedonia – what a treat.

I like traveling – a lot, but I also like getting home again – I really do. To me that makes a good package. The many photos kick up memories and situations, smiles and laughter and no matter how you communicate with the natives, you realize that it all worked out – and so much better and more fun as you ever thought it would – yet again.

Monday, September 1, 2014

FORGIVE & FORGET – and good luck with that



At times we do stupid things. Then we must try to forgive ourselves and then promise not to do it again – ever. Most of the time we crave forgiveness from somebody else; the one we have disappointed by being so stupid. Forgiving ourselves is a piece of cake – but expecting a true forgive & forget from the person we offended is a very tricky bit, as in: - and good luck with that.

I agree, a bit harsh with the ‘and good luck with that’, but ‘forgive & forget’ is a heck easier said than done. If you believe that when somebody says: “I forgive you and I’ll forget it ever happened” that you hear the truth and nothing but, you are sadly mistaken. No matter how much the offended person believes it to be true, it is so far from. 

We do not need to be angels, popes, rock-stars or other godlike figures to forgive anybody, as that is the easy part of the equation – even I can do it. “So you screwed up, but I forgive you”. See how easy that was? But will I ever forget that you screwed up no matter how much forgiveness I smother you with? Not in a million years; of course if I suddenly get diagnosed with dementia, you are so totally off the hook…

There is no psychological definition with respect to forgive or forgiveness; yeah I know, what’s the world coming to? But studies underline that forgiveness is an intentional and voluntary process concerning changing ones feelings and emotions with respect to an offense, something that hurt you, was derogatory, things that disappointed you big time and especially when trust is broken. 

When we forgive somebody, it’s with the knowledge that an offense was committed. We decide to forgive, erase and try to rewind to where we were before the offensive action took place; and that sounds like a good plan to me. But will it ever be that way again? No it won’t, because when we glue together the coffee mug that hit the floor and cracked, it will never be the same mug. But does that mean there’s no hope in the mug ever functioning again?

Granted, a coffee mug is one thing, even if it’s your most favorite, and human relations are something else. A broken trust and the deep disappointment it brings along can be hard to repair. After an offense is committed, an apology is rushed forward. Apologies come from severe embarrassment, confusion as to: “how could I?” and deep disappointment in oneself (one can only hope). Forgiveness is totally up to the offended party – but forgetting the incident is not really a choice we have – at all; and we must be totally clear on that.

Many years ago, back in my life in Denmark, I was invited to a home-cooked dinner by this girl who had a ‘thing’ for me. Yeah I know – what was wrong with her? Only kidding. She was a lovely person inside out, but I was so much in lust with somebody else that I didn’t see it. I drove to her house with flowers and a bottle of wine. I sat in the car and saw her roaming around inside the house. Then I decided I couldn’t do it and drove off. A totally ignorant and pathetic action that I still don’t understand I did, as it was not ‘me’ at all. She had seen me and the next day she confronted me in my office and gave me a load full – and I fully deserved it. After her justifiable tirade I was dim enough to ask her forgiveness. Yeah, I know, rather pitiable. She gave me the right answer: “You must be joking…” (But in Danish)…

I have never forgiven myself for this stupidity – and I have never and will never forget about it. So many times I have wished I could contact her and tell her how very sorry I have been for so many years. But you know what, I can hear her laughing and spitting out: “and you should be sorry, jerk…” and she would be right. Did I learn a valuable lesson? Of course I did.

An apology should for the most part spark some form of forgiveness – at least that’s the idea or just a naïve hope? We are not looking for a divine and religious forgiveness, where it seems that we can screw up as much as we want, break any of the Ten Commandments and still be home-free and Heaven bound. In the real world it goes: apology, forgiveness, forgetness and life goes on as usual… if it was only that easy, huh?

Sure I have disappointed myself and people around me a few times in my life. But considering my age, I feel I have done okay in the “not screwing up” department. I have experienced dis-pleasures that called for me to extend (divine?) forgiveness, but they are only vague memories needing a bit of help to pop back up. They are not forgotten, just packed away in a far corner of my mind - for good reasons, no doubt. 

I think we should be a lot more bendable concerning the ‘forgive & forget’. The ‘forgive’ part is the solid entity, so couldn’t we try to be a bit more flexible concerning the ‘forget’ part? But the thing is that we cannot forget and in some cases, perhaps we shouldn’t forget. Leaning on the old: “if we do not learn from our mistakes, we learn nothing”; however painful a reminder that is – Yuk.

Yes, we screw up and we know when that is and I hope that we immediately regret what we did. Unfortunately we cannot take it back – it’s stuck; we can do nothing about it other than try not to do it again. Life as it really is – and as it should be.

To me it’s not so much about how we follow the ‘forgive & forget’, but it’s much more important to concentrate on not having to rely on the ‘forgive & forget’ at all, by not screwing up – so bloody much. But if we do that screwing up thing, then we have to live with it as is and accept that blemish on our record; then we go on with life, feeling a bit like a cracked coffee mug - though still working; and perhaps even better – could be.

Egos are hurt when disappointment shows up. But let’s try to find a bit of comfort in remembering that disappointments are based on our expectations; so in reality, it’s our own darn fault when we run into disappointments – ha ha, a scary truth it is and not really a lot of comfort at all, huh? 

I strongly believe that when we do meet disappointments in our lives, we can accept, work on repairing and move forward especially when it involves important issues and people and in spite of how much we are able to forget or not.

When the offender and the offended use apologies and forgiveness, I see that as a renewed commitment, a continuation with the acknowledgement that whatever happened will not happen again. I cannot see any reality in even trying to forget what happened, no matter how many times we claim ‘all is forgotten’; we can forgive, but we cannot forget and I’m surprisingly cool with that – finally…

As all this is now clearly explained, I really cannot see that we need to add: ‘…and good luck with that’, anymore – I do hope you agree.