GIVE AND RECEIVE GIFTS CAN SUCK – AT TIMES

We have all been there, so no need to hide behind the monitor. If you tell me that this has never been an issue with you, I know you are lying – nobody’s that perfect. Giving gifts as well as receiving gifts can suck so bad that it’s actually rather funny, in a horrid kind of way – at times.

“Give me cash, checks or money-orders” I respond if anybody is silly enough to ask what I would like for my birthday. I seriously suspect that this is actually what we all want, cash – makes life easier for the gift-giver as well as the gift-receiver. But by some homemade law, which actually seems fairly international, we do not fork over cash as “gifts” as it is not personal, therefor not proper. I would have preferred my grandmother coughing up some dough instead of woolen bloody socks every Xmas (remember?) But nooooooh, it is not proper – says who?

See if this sounds somewhat familiar: I'm invited to a birthday party and I immediately feel the pressure; should I bring a present or not. Okay, stupid scenario, as the real deal is: “I have to deliver; so how much is she worth and what the heck do I get her.” Now don’t stop reading because it hits too close to home and gets slightly embarrassing. Just stay with me as it will get even worse - I dare you.

The money issue. So I automatically do some calculations involving, but not limited to the following criteria: How long have I known her? Is she a good friend, a close friend, do I really care about her, what was her name again, what did she give me for my birthday, what did it cost, did I like it, how much will other people spend, and the all-important: should I call in sick that day? Establishing an amount is as troublesome as picking the right gift.

Okay, I decide on the amount I want to blow based on the criteria above, so here comes the tricky part; what the heck should I get her? If I get her clothes, how big is she (bigger than me for sure), should I get her a size extra-large-awkward, will she look good in fat horizontal stripes, does anybody look good in fat horizontal stripes, toaster, salad-bowl set, gift-card to Jenny Craig or coupons for Alcohol Anonymous (she sure needs those…)? You can fill in the blanks as there are too many things to consider – and few of them are really comfortable. You know precisely what I’m talking about; if you say NO, you are not truthful – are you?

So I finally decide (forced by the mix of agonizing and desperation). Next, should I gift wrap it myself (Peter Cheapskate) or have it professionally done for $10 or more? Of course the professional job makes the present look impersonal and cold. “Couldn’t he have done it himself? Don’t I mean something to him?” She probably doesn’t, but I came anyway, didn't I? And if I wrapped it myself it would be “what a shabby job this thing is…” See, we can’t win. So all the presents in all their might and colors and ribbons and sizes end up on the dining room table for all to see, admire and envy; it's part of the competition. My flat, wrinkled and home-wrapped little thing does not measure up to the mighty boxes obviously wrapped by seasoned professionals. I decide never to gift-wrap again ever; one lesson learned. So everybody is now catering to the birthday person, everybody fighting to become her best friend ever, at least that day. She is now fully surrounded, has nowhere to escape to.

So here comes the big moment where she is going to start a bit of lying and agonizing and desperately try to show enthusiasm for stuff that normally would make her barf. Don’t say no and turn away, because we have all been there and we are all going back for more, strangely enough. She carefully picks the first present and reads the card. The expensive paper and ribbon are removed and the “gift” is exposed. Whatever pops out of that box will be met with expressions of joy and surprise and so many thank you so much’ s and my all-time favorite I always wanted one of these things followed by what is it?

So she labors through the dining room table and eventually reach my hand-made gift-wrapped contribution. She opens my offering slowly and everybody gasps as she unfurls the fat horizontal striped dress. It is hard for anybody to hold back giggles and oh my God’s. The birthday girl is in tears, but not the joyous ones. “Who is it from?” some nosey guest asks, but nobody answers and I'm keeping totally still. “Is there a card?” But they won’t find any because I have stealthily removed it from the table while nobody was watching – it is now resting in my left pocket; it was a very close call, but I seriously thought the dress would please her - I really did... What do I know about women's clothing?

Okay, so the above is a bit extreme, but soul-searching yourself, you have to admit that at least tiny bits are true. When we look back at some of the presents we have given and especially received over the years, how many do we actually remember? Where is that present now? Be honest and accept that I’m right, but don't feel shame about any of this; we are all on the same team. It's a really tough thing to deal with, as so many issues need to be decided to satisfy this one person’s taste and needs; too many considerations make it a very difficult task. Are you good at showing happiness and genuine appreciation when somebody gives you that gory looking glazed ceramic clock with the two clay owls making out around noon (on the clock that is)? I'm not; but at least I'm honest about it.

My conclusion is, that for the most we are good gift-givers and gift-receivers as we do make good choices for our friends and family members. And maybe it's just me who goes through the above - but I doubt I'm alone...  

Oh by the way, I found one reaction when receiving a gift you might try to avoid if you value your gift-giving friends. At a birthday I received this hideous thing (best way to describe it) and in my feeble mind of silly thoughts I blurted out: “Wow! This is such a perfect gift; how did you know we have a garage-sale next Saturday?” I lost yet another friend, but even worse, I couldn’t get rid of that damn thing at the garage-sale, couldn’t even give it away – go figure.

Footnote concerning the cash thing: My good buddy Russell and I have birthdays next to each other. We recognize these two days and the value of our friendship by giving each other $50,000; in my book of references, the perfect gift - you should try it some time and gift wrapping is not involved.

See you next Monday…