We talk a lot; we talk a lot about a lot of things – we pretty much talk about everything. But we don’t really talk a lot about sex, if at all. Don’t you think that’s weird in a strange kind of way? I mean sex is as natural as eating, walking, bowling and breathing – so what’s the problem? Why can’t we talk freely about sex?
Let’s see if you cringe, sweat in strange places or blush during the following: The biological side of sex is referring to sexual reproduction, which consist, among many things, from the mix of genetic traits morphing into male and female varieties by combining specialized cells, that we all know are called gametes, to create an offspring that inherit traits from both biological contributors (aka. parents). The results are based on the quality of the supplied spermatozoa and ova (I looked it up). So are you okay? Was it a rough ride? Didn’t think so – I went through it several times without even clearing my throat or blushing.
The clinical biological explanation of sex, pretty much says that a woman and a man hook up, get it on and do that sex-thing we don’t want to talk about in straight language. Though we know precisely what they are doing down to the most intimate details, we are really shy and uncomfortable talking about sex “that way” (while disturbingly realizing how much we learn about sex from movies and TV programs. Well, not exactly real sex, but at least movie and TV sex).
It’s kind of a weird moral condition as we accept statues and paintings of fully naked men and women in museums, but when I strut around downtown San Francisco in all my nudity, I get arrested (while supported loudly by applauds from onlookers, in appreciation of my physique or stupidity).
But when it’s the daily variety sex-chat that pops up, for the most part we turn hesitant, reluctant, slightly embarrassed, while scraping the ground with our left foot going: “gee shucks…” Sounds familiar? So why is it like that?
As I arrived in the USA back in 1975, my English was fair – I got around. Lying by the pool in Marina Del Rey a guy next to me pointed at this nice looking woman and told me that he really wouldn’t mind sleeping with her. What, was he some kind of pervert? But then I heard that term more often and quickly (duh) figured out that it meant “to have sex with”. So why can’t we just say that. Sure he wouldn’t mind sleeping with her at some point; afterwards - hopefully not during…
Intra-gender we talk about sex, but in terms that are not clinically accepted, but more so in slang-terms. We try to hide the fact that we are tip-toing in areas of discomfort, by seemingly being cool about it – which we are not. Straight talk about sex is iffy, at best.
I know, we substantiate this condition of non-talk by claiming that sex is very personal, as we expose emotions, feelings, open hearts, etc. and we find a gentle vulnerability that we don’t particularly want to share with anybody else. Even long-time couples and sex-partners, no matter their abilities and experiences, have a hard time chatting about the events, dissecting the course of actions, to perhaps improve and/or enhance. So they let their actions speak for themselves - hopefully.
The sad part of non-communication concerning sex is when one person has concerns about what is happening or not happening. In many cases they find it hard to express, difficult to bring up, and not only due to the uncomfortable subject matter, but also because of the emotional reaction it might create in the other participant.
Any “suggestions” might be taken as an attack of performance, so defensive could be the result of confrontation, no matter how gently the issue is presented.
It’s hard to talk about sex because of all the emotions involved and due to the deep personal experience it is for each individual person – so we decide not to talk about it much - if at all.
When our children reach the age when that sex-thing shows its interesting head, when they start to become curious and then sexually attracted to whomever, the famed “talk” must be activated. As I understand it, for the most part it’s the fathers who must clear their collective throats and forge ahead. But the forging ahead is being delayed several times (years?) so when they finally sit down with Melissa or Frank, the sex-talk goes like this:
“Well, my child, we need to talk about sex – are you okay with that?” The child looks at the father and smiles the sweetest smile.
“Yes Dad; what do you want to know?”
And the truth is, that’s pretty much how it goes these days. Neither my father nor my mother ever gave me “the talk”. What I initially learned about sex was from my pals, a totally torn up book about procreation from the school’s library, horridly crude drawings by icky classmates and a tiny bit of sex-education in class. The teacher pretty much did the pull-condom-over-banana bit and that was it. For some of the more naïve kids this was very confusing: “Peter, I nearly made out with Pam last night, but dang it, I forgot the banana…” kind of issue.
I do remember a sex-chat I had with classmates of mine in camp. I even remember who were there. It was Leif, Ellen, Ruth, Pia and I – approximately a million years ago; we must have been around 12 or something. I remember what we talked about and I recall the way we talked about it – very matter of fact and straight forward, and I even remember where and remember that I learned a lot.
In the past I was excited about scenes in movies where they went for it. My favorite was when they can’t wait (like normal people do) to get it on, so they tear their clothes off in a kind of sexy manner, push all the utensils off the butcher-block in the kitchen and off they go. I always thought that was so cool – even felt an exciting urge to buy a butcher-block to get that kind of action – duh… Of course I could have started out small, by using a simple cutting board…
But then it turned stupid and embarrassing, and though I still appreciate looking at naked bodies (to a certain extent), I move in my chair and can’t wait for it to be over. I get clinical about it, questioning the lack of foreplay in those scenes, the distinct absence of romance, respect and true concern of each partner’s experience.
But they are still doing the butcher-block thing like it’s something new. To me it’s not, only embarrassing and uncomfortable to watch – so I do what any mature adult does: cover my ears, close my eyes and do that weird sound thing.
I do understand why we are not freely letting our mouths run off about sex this and sex that – I’m okay with status quo. If we actually started to narrate sexual experiences, wouldn’t that blow the romance and a lot of the excitement out the window (or off the butcher-block)? I knew you would agree.
This said, I do strongly believe that if there are issues that are in the way of a better sexual experience as well as sexual relationship, then we MUST talk about it – (not me, of course, because I’ll be too busy blushing and going: “gee shucks”, while covering my ears)…
Till next Monday.
So how about using this book as a present for someone, family, friends, unsuspected colleagues or even total strangers, just to make them happy, make it possible for them to improve their lives and stuff like that? Just imagine how thankful they’ll be for your consideration, your thoughts and concern; I get goose bumps just thinking about it.
I have made it a goal of selling a lot of these books. It’s not really for the money (though my lovely Mother thinks so), but it’s because I think this book has some decent suggestions, cheap laughs and giggles, and I see nothing wrong with that – do you? I knew you wouldn’t.
If you and all these family, friends and colleagues of yours want a signed copy, all you/they have to do is send me an E-Mail with their name and (postal) mailing address.
and I’ll do the rest – what a guy.
Otherwise the book is available through amazon.com here in the USA as well as in Europe. The Kindle edition is $5.95
Paperback $12.95 (USA) + $3.95 S&H
For signed copies, contact me through my E-Mail above
Thanks for your support, interest and time – really
Peter B. Steiness
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