Being dumped is not hilariously funny; deciding to divorce has little entertainment value; splitting up by mutual agreement rarely works and the guilt based: “let’s stay friends” seldom pans out. Somebody is always ending up hurt, bitter, resentful, confused and for a while, emotionally damaged. Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but are we making it too easy?
When I began thinking about this subject, I wanted to go back and try to recall my feelings and other emotions from “being dumped”, as in somebody telling me to get the heck out, go away, “I hate you” and/or “you are ugly and your cooking sucks”. I really tried hard, but I could not find a single relationship where I had experienced being dumped; did I go through breaking-ups? Of course I did – and then some…
Let us establish that to terminate any relationship, there has to be at least two persons involved; duh! The irony: in many cases it’s a third person causing the dissolutions, based on the ignorant philosophy: the grass is (in most cases only seemingly) always greener.
We meet, we get to know each other, we become emotionally and physically attached; and then we fall in love. It’s all so euphorically exciting and so – forever? At least we hope so, as we cannot envision life without her or him ever (sigh); should I mention love & blindness here? I do recall that exhilarated feeling – again and again.
And a relationship can also end – duh! It can die gradually or rather quickly, as in “cheating” (having physical relations with someone you really shouldn’t do it with). To me cheating is the ultimate trust-buster and as trust is in the top-three of what a relationship is built on – cheating is far from nice. What infidelity is concerned: we can forgive, but rarely can we forget.
I think that most fizzling relationships lose their sizzle because we do not put enough work into them. If we don’t water the flowers, they will not grow, they will die – relationships are like flowers.
Breaking up is also based on some laziness and the unfortunate fact that we start to take each other for granted. We don’t see the person we fell in love with, with the same feelings we experienced back then. We slowly start to slack off ourselves and then we suddenly look at each other and go: “What the heck happened?” and then we start packing.
We throw other things away, so perhaps it’s an ingrown bad habit? The TV goes on the blink – we throw it out and get a new one. The coffee-grinder repair costs more than 10 new grinders; so we discard it and buy a new one, and so forth. But don’t you think relationships should be treated better than TV’s and coffee-grinders? For the most part, relationships are worth repairing.
To avoid being dumped or break up, we need to constantly work on our relationships. We need to communicate verbally, emotionally and physically – constantly. Sounds like a task? Well, it is NOT a task, far from, as you could harvest exciting results.
We are all basically good people. Luckily we differ as we are all individuals, each and every one of us. We not only have our own unique DNA, but more so our very own distinctive personality. In spite of all the differences, we still find companions we are attracted and drawn to. As a species we are monogamous – so we pair up and stay together – well, for the most part.
When we acknowledge and respect how different each of us is, we can better understand that for relationships to work, we must constantly make sure that we are on the same track; communication is essential, and not just “how was your day?”, “did you feed the kids and cat?” or “what is that weird thing on my elbow?” We need to go way beyond that – we need to constantly explore each other’s individuality and development – because that is what we do, we constantly go through changes on all levels – so why not go through it together? There’s an idea…
If we constantly communicate, we will no doubt avoid many break-ups, fights, divorces and what not. When we avoid communicating, it suddenly shows up in our face: What the Hell happened? Why don’t I like you anymore? “Weren’t we best buddies?” And then the guilt questions pop up as well as the wide range of unpleasant moments, emotions and the finger pointing to establish blame – don’t you just hate that?
If we find ourselves too busy to communicate with each other during our relationships and believe that someday we can just catch up and restore, we are so totally wrong. We quickly find that we have grown, and not grown together, but grown apart. We didn’t keep each other up to date about how we were developing, matured and all the stuff that makes each of us so unique; remember? When we keep communication going, breaking-ups would be fewer – I have no doubts about that.
As many different reasons for parting ways, as many different reactions; suffering the break of trust, loss of love, lack of respect, violated fidelity, boredom, and add your own – if you have any to add. We feel abandoned, discarded and on the same emotional level as TV’s and coffee-grinders. So we go through a period of mourning in all its drab shades and shadows; we cannot see that stupid silver-lining everybody tells us about; for now I’m sad and disappointed and feel like crap – so go away and leave me alone (so I can also pick on that weird thing on my elbow…)
Some handle split-ups better than others – duh! We look back instead of looking forward; but why not take this glorious moment of opportunity and start anew? Why not look at the positive side of a failed relationship? Why not reevaluate myself, find out who I am and where I want to go? Okay, so Joe Crap dumped me, but when you really look at it isn’t that his problem and not mine? Obviously he didn’t have the capacity to appreciate me, etc. So better getting rid of the jerk now than in 25 years and three kids later, huh?
I’m a fairly black or white, hot or cold person. So, I either like somebody or something, or I don’t which effectively removes the wishy-washy factor and makes life easier. So I can only see myself having handled split-ups and departures with that attitude.
Have I hurt anybody, made somebody sad or angry or what-not? I’m sure I have. Have I hurt and felt terrible about parting ways? I am very sure I have. Has any of it been easy? I’m positive that none was easy. Have I simulated Joe Crap at times? I possibly have – with plenty of after-the-fact regrets.
Breaking up is hard to do; but let’s not make it so easy. I believe we can eliminate a lot of those awkward moments of bye-bye’s and rescue some true relationships in the process, simply by communicating – of course only if you feel it’s worth the effort.
Until next Monday (and beyond, of course): Make it work – by working on it…
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