Homo sapiens are monogamous primates (yes, including you and I); we prefer to partner up with somebody more so than being single. Finding partners at the beginning of time was a piece of pre-historic cupcake: male find female, hit female over head with bat (where the term battered woman comes from) and drag by hair to condo-cave; dating at its most efficient. But then they had to ruin it with a law saying: “Not very nice” followed by stuff about women’s rights. And the personal ad was born.
British-English calls it: Lonely Hearts Column (that could be part of a good title for a Beatles song; there’s an idea), but today it’s more so Online Dating (Sgt. Pepper's Online Dating Band - doesn't sound right), as the use of the Internet to connect romantically has boomed tremendously the last 10-15 years, instigated by massive quantities of social Web-sites and networking.
The main reason for all this is to generate romance, friendships, relationships and sex; that be casual or long-term (from 6 minutes to more than 24 hours?) In personal ads you try (in some cases: desperately) to describe yourself and your interests beyond the truth and not much to do with the truth. You express what you are looking for, already knowing that this super-human does not exist - at all, except in your illicit fantasies. But you still hope somebody will respond, in spite the impossibilities you have already come to terms with (sigh).
In the good old days (have no idea when that was, but it sounds romantic) the newspapers charged the love-starved customers by the characters used in their ads looking for partners. So some cheapskates quickly created abbreviations and code-words to cut the cost of love; this eventually carried over to the Internet.
TLA means Three Letter Acronyms. The first letter covers relationships and sexual preference. Second letter is about ethnicity and/or nationality. Third letter is gender oriented. So if you read DWM, it would be Divorced White Male; easy, huh? GHT would read Gay Hispanic Transgender, and so forth (the last one, perhaps not so easy).
If you are in the process of finding a partner, looking for love, casual sex or perhaps a relationship, you are in so much luck today, because I have decided to help you along and make you succeed beyond your already inflated expectations. Follow the following and thank me later (cash only)… Let’s begin…
Getting familiar with the abbreviated lingo will save you time in your search, and already make you sound like you are seriously on a mission. Remember the TLA?
Let’s start with the first letter. Some of the more commonly used ones and a few of my personal suggestions: D = Divorced (Desperate) / G = Gay (not as in “happy” but that other thing) / M = Married (very separated, though still sleeping in the same bed with spouse and actually having consensual sex – a lot) / S = Single (and so bloody lonely) / T = Transgender (but confused – considering becoming a devout transvestite instead) / W = Woman or Widower (if not widower already, desperately wants to become one soon).
And the second letter: A = Asian / B = Black (African-American is too long, obviously) / D = Danish (& very Desperate) / H = Hispanic / J = Jewish or Japanese (in some cases: Japanese Jew?) – L = Latino or –na / W = White (as nobody can spell “Caucasian”)
The third letter: C = Couple (and let your imagination go wild) / M = Male (in some cases to be determined) / T = Transgender (I’m as confused as can be) / W = Woman (in some cases to be determined).
And then we have some other time-saving abbreviations: ALA = All Letters Answered. Add a WP and you have With Photo. ISO = In Search Of / LTR = Long Term Relationship and OHAC = Own House And Car or Own Hamster and Cat; plain and simple and not utterly exciting. But I’ll make it better…
Here are a few TLA’s that are not officially on the list, but are used no end. It might also have something to do with shyness, perhaps? VWE = Very Well Endowed (of course I have no clue what that means). RBB = Really Big Boobs / BOS = Buns Of Steel / SOP = Sleep-overs Preferred / ESM = Exceptional Stud Muffin. Well, you get the idea.
Here’s the universal top-hit of personal ads or Online. All you have to do is fill in the appropriate stuff that makes it YOU, up close and personal – and then not wait long for the responses to pour in.
“My name is Frank/Linda. I’m 32 and single (just out of two awful marriages…). I do not have any children – as far as I know. I’m white, except during the summer where I’m more like an early African-American; love spending a lot of time in the sun. I’m fully employed, now going on nearly three months. My salary is in the high six digits (if you include the two after the period). I own my own house, as soon as I have fully paid off all three mortgages, plus what I owe my parents – shouldn’t take more than 28 years or perhaps more.
I’m a terrific listener. I find it fascinating to learn about other people, about you, by listening. I do not use language that includes grunting, throaty sounds, rolling of eyes and the expression: “whatever”. I’ll only tell you a story once, will never be whiny and fully accept when you are in a crappy mood.
I really love walks on the beach if it wasn’t for all the sand and water. Evenings cuddling (with the dog) in front of the fireplace and reading Heidi out loud. We will watch NASCAR, baseball and football (all at the same time) together, as well as Dancing with the Stars and we’ll make special evenings by watching Home Shopping Network – credit cards at the ready.
We will share keeping the house clean, the shopping, cooking and the laundry done, folded and put away. We’ll share driving, choosing what to watch and have two remote controls – his and hers. We’ll both maintain the children from diapers through college”. And the list is long – and it could be like this? Okay, so I poked a bit of fun; I hope nobody got offended, as it was not meant to be.
Reading a lot of these ads in the paper and on line, gives you a fairly clear idea what the different genders are looking for and who they are. I don’t find it a desperate last go at it, far from, but more so a serious attempt to hook up with a potential right-for-me person. And YES our life-styles have changed and the way to meet partners has changed dramatically with it. There are certain rules in place that makes it near impossible to find a partner in your place of work, etc. – and fair enough. Bars and other social scenarios seem less realistic these days, so personal ads and Online Dating come in rather convincing – they really do.
I am utterly happy in my relationship, married 28+ years to my best friend ever, but if (that would be in another life) I was single and was seeking a partner, I believe that I would certainly try the personal ads and Online Dating – I have no doubts about it.
See you next week – and thanks for reading
No comments:
Post a Comment