From age 13 through 19, we go through adolescence. Of course (duh) it comes from Latin adolescere, which appropriately means: to grow up. The fact is that some of us do grow up a lot in those formative years and then some of us don’t grow up as much, at all; but harsh reality is that we all, including parents, more or less wobble through this time, this world of confusion better known as teenager.
We are conceived, and don’t do much else than getting bigger, for nine months in a rather confined space. Then we are delivered and start crying, which we do for the next year or so. We breathe, eat, poop, sleep and continue that crying thing – what a life. We are dependent on just about anything we can think of to survive – and some continue staying dependent deep into their mid-thirties and beyond.
Walking is somewhat mastered; we start feeding ourselves, sometimes finding the mouth. A few words like ksbi&^$kj vcodjbvs are quickly translated into “she said DAD…” We become house-trained, meaning semi unassisted potty transactions, and so forth. We celebrate our birthdays and funny enough, in the beginning we want to be older than we are – at least till we hit mid-thirty and then we want to be younger; what a silly world. But before we become so-called adults, we must go through a transitional stage of physical and psychological human development (chaos?), better known as being a teenager.
When we look at this confusing world, this intermediate period between childhood and adulthood, with all its new and curious physical developments, sponsored by racing hormones and hair growing in really weird places; and what about the baffling sexual progress or lack of, as well as social, emotional and psychological turmoil, then we can only shake our heads and roll our eyes and wonder how the heck we got through it all – and I mean: the teenagers as well as the parents.
It is utterly important remembering that this is not just about those teenagers and their survival, but also about the parents and their survival as well. Sure parents should have an advantage due to experience, as in been there done that, but that does not guarantee a fluent and smooth transition for their (teenage) kids – no guarantees what-so-ever. So we are ALL more or less on a blank page about what do we do now? And this is where we should try to improve dramatically – this is where we must communicate a lot more and underline the importance that we do respect each other and we do want to support each other’s feelings, emotions and confusions, by appreciate and understand each other equally through all this new fast-forward stuff. But you see, we do not do that – but we really should – don’t you agree? Sitting down and caring for each other is the only way.
Some of the good stuff a new teenager experience is more freedom, friends, exploring one-self, getting that license to drive and appreciating that wrinkles are not a problem – yet.
Some of the not so good stuff being a teenager are new responsibilities, homework & school (for some), moodiness and emotions going up and down, insecurities, body changes (at times rather awkward ones) and the fact that kiddy-things are not appropriate any more, at the same time doing the adult things are not reached - yet. Does peer-pressure ring any bells? Oh and then there is that parent thing, at times not agreeing with the direction their teenager wants to go – or feel ready to go.
And let’s all remember that the maturity level for teenagers are not even close to digesting a lot of these new things going on with them physically, emotionally and mentally. And that is one part of the equation we, the parents do not fully grasp. When we “grasp” it and more so understand what the kids are going through, the whole teenage thing will be a lot easier – for everybody.
This whole issue is a lot bigger than what I can bring up within 1,200 words, but that does not mean it is not important – quite the opposite. I believe that these 7 developmental years are utterly important for the quality of the lives ahead of us. We experience insecurities on so many levels and it is essential that we learn how to handle the issues associated to these (confusing) feelings. It’s a must that we learn what is important and what is not – and then deal with them accordingly. This is where parents and teenagers must listen to each other, and not so much to lecture, but to open up and place understanding each other as a huge priority.
As teenagers we are very sensitive to the world around us. It’s like everything is magnified a trillion times (and in some cases even more so). We take rejections very hard, if it’s a break-up with someone, or being made fun of, ridiculed though it was not meant to be or not getting the A on the math-test that we assumed we’d get. Participating in sports can be an emotional roller-coaster and of course the most important aspect of teenage-hood is how we fit into the social scene around us. Our emotions are so hyper and delicate that it does not take much to bring us down. We want to be accepted, so when that doesn’t happen, we feel devastated – which is not good for our ego, at all. You see, we are not mature enough to enjoy time with ourselves – not even close. The social network, the person-to-person face-to-face thing, as well as cell-phones and Facebook like sites, play huge parts identifying who we are, how we fit in and how popular or not.
To calm those insecurities and anxieties concerning acceptance, the parents must be supportive and fully understand (remember) how it is, what emotions bring on depression, confusion and disappointment. My beef has always been that the better we know ourselves, the more solid of a relationship we have with ourselves, the better we feel about whatever we are met with out there in the social world and the better we are about building relationships with our peers. But the deal is, that teenagers (without generalizing – much) do not have that maturity level to see that – yet. And that is also okay; so in this situation we, the parents, must try do understand that and be supportive accordingly. You see, this is all new to our kids – but it is also all new to the parents and that is where we need to work the magic of diplomacy – across the table with understanding and compassion.
Teenagers want to explore, they must explore to learn stuff; it’s simply part of growing up. So they test the waters and at times beyond what parents find acceptable and the hammer comes down. NO and the kid is pissed, but not so much because they are not allowed to do whatever, but more so because they weren’t explained a reasonable WHY or WHY NOT.
Our youngest son got his driver’s license and a car of his own. He was 16 and we found him responsible (for a 16 year old – teenager). One day I got that call I had dreaded: he had rear-ended another car, but he was fine as well as the other driver was fine. He had lost concentration for a split second and BANG.
I grabbed my keys and raced over to the site of the accident. His car had a small dent, but the other car didn’t look too good (was actually declared a total loss). And then my reaction: I screamed bloody hell and idiot and all kinds of derogatory nasty names towards him – I went totally overboard; my son just stood there, teary-eyed.
On the way home I realized what a total jerk of a parent I had been. I immediately found that the reason I had reacted as I did, was NOT because I was angry at him, but simply because I was scared stiff. The old: WHAT IF? had popped up. I apologized profusely and explained the reason for my outburst. You see, in reality he did not mean to get in an accident and for me and for him, it was important that we understood each other, and underline that paying attention while driving is a matter of life and death. No, he has not been in any accidents since.
My point is: if we as parents and teenagers can communicate as in talking and listening a heck of a lot more to each other and try to understand how we feel and why we feel, and fully accept that we are on different maturity levels, we will ALL help each other along so much better. Parents must not categorize teenagers as missions impossible, as well as the teenagers should not look at parents as being totally clueless, because we are far from clueless. So if we can overcome the wall between us and we could ALL listen, wouldn’t that be great?
I remember my teenage years as a mixture of confusion, insecurities, anxieties, excitement, first love (several times), first kiss (even more so), but in retrospect I would have liked to have had my parents more involved, as they were not involved at all through those years, other than: “hey, what’s up?” (But in Danish).
So why not give it go, sit down with each other and chat away. Listening and trying to understand and appreciate and compromise, etc. is so essential – and perhaps that world of teenager is not going to be so utterly confusing. Are you all willing to try? I’m glad to hear that you are…
SUGGESTION DEPARTMENT:
If you are a teenager, why not have your parents read this?
If you are (a teenager’s) parent, why not have your kid(s) read this?
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