SPEEDOS & THONGS – not a lot of cover-up

It’s time to squeeze into my EXTRA LIFE LYCRA SOLID SOLAR 1 inch BRIEFS; that’s what they are called. We are more familiar with the abbreviation: Speedos; that little piece of Polyester/Lycra thing that covers just enough to avoid full nudity. I have no idea what the 1 inch is referring to, but if your mind is in the gutter, 1 inch is far from close – so quickly erase that picture from your memory – thank you.

Summer officially starts June 20 around here; but for me, where I’m located geographically, that tanning thing, melting away in the warmth of the sun, runs from March through September - approximately. I have always been attracted to the sun, from very limited rays back in Denmark, to the excess of it here in California.

I grew up in Denmark with breast feeding and Speedos, not realizing that big baggy beach shorts were the thing in the USA. After arriving here, I only made a couple of Speedo appearances on California beaches. Several groups of people gathered, hysterically chuckling and pointing fingers behind my back. “He must be from Europe or something…” was giggled the most. So I gave in and from then on covered myself in big baggy beach shorts, which I thought looked really stupid when referenced to my bony, though highly tanned lack of physique; also known as the dreaded NerdBoy look.

To me, sun-tanning feels rather wonderful. I’m not seeking a tan to look better, because that has never been important. It’s because it makes me feel a lot better – makes me feel healthier. So I pull on those tiny Speedos, because I want a tan on as much body as I can get a tan on. With a good layer of Ultra Sheer Dry-Touch Sunblock SPF 70, I sneak out in the back-yard – where nobody can see me – I think; and then I melt in the sun for about 45 minutes – oh, it’s heaven and has always been (as long as I don’t get interrupted by the California Speedo-Police).

Speedos are used by most beach going men in Europe, no matter what kind of body they have – it doesn’t seem to matter and it shouldn’t. Sure it would be cool, even for me, if we all had washboard abs and a fab shape like David Beckman, but we don’t. But that’s okay too - it really is.

And then we have The Thongs, that tiny little piece of cloth covering the essentials (whatever that might be for some), fastened with a string strung up between the buttocks. I haven’t tried it (yet), but how the heck comfortable is that? Or perhaps exciting? If I ever find out, I’ll let you know (by the way, do they come in mint?)

Some females wearing thongs look absolutely fantastic, and some don’t; but it doesn’t really matter, does it? European beaches are dotted with a mix of Speedos and thongs and nakedness – and here it is big baggy beach shorts for the dudes and bikini thongs for the dudettes – where the heck is the equality in that?

My wife and our two boys met up with my in-laws in Spain some years back. Our oldest, around 14 at the time, was somewhat looking forward to see some naked women on the beaches – because that’s what they do, he was told – by his father.

Unfortunately, his first experience was an older woman whose breasts and buttocks were severely affected by gravity – a lot. Not even close to the Playboy Bunny of the Month he had fantasized about. Now he’s not too keen about those European beaches – or wearing Speedos – like daddy. But he’ll change his mind when I show him the beaches of St. Tropez… By “the beaches” I mean the female beach-goers there. This is not a chauvinistic comment, but simply one made with the highest respect for the human body in whatever shape or form - seriously.

When you consider the bodily areas Speedos, tiny bikini tops and thongs try to cover, why are we so much against public/beach nudity? I mean, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon, no offense if you are one, to figure out what’s under the covered areas and it’s not like we don’t know what those body parts look like – we pretty much remember them by heart. So I’m confused about that nudity thing, that one area we can’t show or air out.

But it’s very private, we say – but what does that really mean? When we try to find other reasons, besides the “private parts” thing, what else can we come up with? We are already exposing a lot of those “private parts areas” so why even bother with the $125 piece of triangled mini-cloth or the 1 inch speedos? Think about it, and then ask yourself: does it make sense?

Don’t get me wrong, because I’m as perplexed as the next Speedo-wearer. I think we have a twisted fixation about what we can show and what we cannot show, for whatever reasons. We are guided to the issues of vanity, shyness and decency (what?) with added pressures from ourselves, society and/or our cultures; but is nudity really that awful? Are we really that ashamed of our bodies? I’m not, but of course that doesn’t mean I want to show it to you – and isn’t that kind of weird, because, again, I’m not ashamed of mine?

Have you ever exposed yourself stark naked to the sun? It’s exhilarating and really makes a difference. No, gutter-mind, it’s not related to anything perverted or sexual (but there’s an idea); it’s simply a rather “free” feeling. But if I feel somebody is watching me, I don’t feel so exhilarated or “free” anymore. I would quickly cover up and scream PERVERT ALERT in the process.

A body is a body, and there are so many shapes and forms. Some are a delight to drool over; others make you want to look away and some makes you wanna puke – honestly. But that little piece of polyester in the front with the string in the back, does not make that much of a difference – it really doesn’t. But for some reason it does – and on some levels I obviously wonder why.

Nude beaches or being nude on most European beaches is no big deal. You can be naked, wearing Speedos to your heart’s content, bikini minimals, thongs or big baggy beach shorts – whatever is fine. It’s actually rather natural and very relaxed. Here in the USA, we have a long way to go.

But I will not become the naked poster-boy, machetting the way to new beach dress or undress laws around here. You will never see me strut down Venice Beach in my birthday suit (for some readers, that would be nude), holding a sign saying GET NAKED – NOT JAILED – in an effort to legalize optional nudity on America’s beaches. I’m too vain, shy, and uncomfortable and I still want to lose another 10 pounds and then get that David Beckham body look (I really hate him, because he makes me look so ordinary – shame on him).

Have a grand week (now where did I put those Speedos – oh, I’m wearing them already!)