Q: How long does he have to stare at me before I know he likes me?
A: If he stares at you approximately 4 hours and 22 minutes without blinking, he either likes you a lot or he is dead. If in doubt, poke him with a pointed stick and you’ll soon find out which one it is. Good luck… (Asking Peter)
This kind of question and thousands like it, pop up on different ASK, as in: “whoever wants to answer”- Websites. Once in a while I answer a few of these, at times unintentionally hilarious questions. When I answer, I give advice based on experience, common sense and logic.
But during so many weak moments, I have such an urge to let my answers rip, lace them with sarcasm and silly suggestions; you know, totally off track. Unfortunately for me, that is not ethically acceptable as many of these people do seek sound advice and direction. I never leave mean or evil answers – no matter how tempted I am and how easy it is to do so – a lot. But I restrain myself mostly because my wife “advices” me to – she’s so strict, don’t you think?
Today’s post is about how I really want to answer some of these questions. As not to appear arrogant, rude or facetious (and good luck with that, Peter) I have corrected most of the misspellings, but kept some of the grammar in place as written. This is not a show of disrespect to those who submit concerned questions - not at all.
Q: How do I kiss passionately?
Me and this woman I have been dating for a while now are starting to get very serious. How do I kiss her passionately and make it special? I want to show her how much I love her with this kiss. We make out a lot but that’s more just playing with each other. I’ve kissed other girls before but I want this one to be special and different. How long should it last? Should I use tongue? Where do we touch each other?
A: You kissed other girls before what? Before they slapped you silly? How long should it last? If you are talking about passionate kissing, the average for such kiss without tongue is 2 hrs. 24 min. With tongue, it’s a bit longer as you periodically have to come up for air. Should you actually use tongue? Are you talking about your own tongue or somebody else’s tongue? Either way, if you have a tongue with you, YES go ahead and use it. Where to touch each other? I would say in your parent's bedroom (make sure they are asleep) or in the backseat of her mother's SUV - while she is driving you and your girlfriend home from kindergarten. Let me know how it went; pictures only. Good luck – and say HI to her mother from me; I do believe I know her - at least she sounds familiar... (Asking Peter)
Q: Would you stay with a girl if you found out that she wouldn't have sex until marriage?
So if you were dating a girl, and were seniors in high school, and it was pretty serious, you were in love with her, but you really want to have sex and she won't do it until marriage...would you dump her?
A: So in spite of being in love, you still want to have sex with her? That’s my boy – nothing like loveless sex (that’s what you wrote). Is it that she doesn’t want to do you, but wants to have sex with somebody else before she gets married to you? Ha, you didn’t ask her that, did you? Why don’t you just dump her anyways, just to be safe – that’s what I would do. Hey Dude, do you want me to dump her for you? I know how to do it – I have a lot of experience in being dumped – really. (Asking Peter)
Q: Girls do I sound attractive or ugly
I am aged 20 male I have green eyes short dark-brown/blonde hair. Pretty big sensual lips average nose and ears I am slim 60kg 9 stone average height of 5'10, I look younger then my age?
A: I’m not a girl (last time I checked) but I answer because it sounds like you need a lot of help, you sounding so shy and humble. I love your hair – as different as in weird. Are your sensuous lips pretty big or are they pretty and big? It’s so lovely to finally meet a guy with average nose and ears; especially since I have no clue what that means. You call yourself slim? At 60 kilos and 9 stone you weigh in at about 118 kilos (260 pounds) and since you are 5’10; that also makes you a bit wide, huh? So are you attractive or ugly? How about pretty ugly, but in a good way? Now work on getting out of your shell of shyness, okay? You are right, you also sound younger than you look, luscious lips and all. (Asking Peter)
Q: I attract too many girls, help!?
Ok, I'm not trying to be vein but I'm a fairly good looking lad and have a good personally and sense of humor, so I’ve been told, the problem is I attract a lot of girls and most guys will be like quit moaning, but it really messes with my head, should I just be more honest with a lot of girls and tell them early on I just want to be friends, help, what can I do?
A: Okay, not trying to be vein, so let’s go with vain – seems like you are doing just fine with that – even if you don’t know the difference. I envy lads like you, I really do. Not being able to beat these throngs of girls off with a pointed stick must be so hard; I can see how it will mess up your head (and hair). Yeah, tell them early on, even before you meet them, that you just wanna be friends and tell their mothers too, just to be safe. You could also tell them: "oh by the way, I’m gay", because that should cut down on the throngs… But of course then you might have to beat throngs of boys off with that same pointed stick. Gosh, this is so confusing; obviously, you can’t win – I’m so happy I’m not you, though I do envy that you have personally (!) and sense of humor. Some lucky lads have it all. (Asking Peter)
Q: I LOVE HIM!!! HELP?
So I was dating this guy and I did a mistake not a big one but yeah then after I did that mistake he was completely ignoring me not replying etc. After a week of not talking to him I put my pride to the side, and told him that I liked you and told him not to do this but yet he still did not reply? Is guys this heartless? My mistake was I told my friend what he told me about her but it wasn’t actually what he thought it was; he doesn’t even let me explain he just ignores. And this happened 16 days ago.
A: Are you a rap-artist by any chance? “Put my pride – to the side” Shaboom, bam bam snide… I told you not to tell him that you like me, so of course he will not reply – what the heck have you been sniffing? Guys is this heartless and you shouldn’t have told your friend that he said to her, when he told her what she thought he didn’t tell you because he repeated not replying after he told him that you like me. That should clear things up, don’t you think? But with 16 days behind you already, depending on where you stand or sit, you are running out of time. I wish you luck, but I’m not so sure with what, huh? (Asking Peter)
Q: What does it mean when a guy says you’re cute and it turns HIM on...?
And he's your ex and has a girlfriend.
A: That I’m talking with a non-heterosexual male I used to know? I am cute, so that will never be an issue, but since it turns him on, I would immediately call the PERVERT-POLICE… Oh, you meant he said that to you, being his ex and also has a girlfriend. Okay, does: "have your cake and eat it too” make any sense to you? Well, I didn’t think it would – and that, in an excitingly perverse and strange way turns me on… (Asking Peter)
Just a few examples. So my question to you is if Dear Abby should be shaking in her high heels? Do you think I would be a good source for comfort and advice, someone you would fully trust with your inner emotional concerns and feelings, no matter how sensitive and fragile? I didn’t think so; another possibly good career down the toilet…(flush-flush).
Till next Monday (buy my new book, huh?)
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