PETS – are people too; whatever!

In the USA, 63% of households have pets (not including children acting like animals); to me, pets  are cats and dogs - but that's just me. We have about 164 million of those guys; we know precisely how many, because they all sat very still while we counted them - twice. Other so-called pets weigh in at 18 million small animals (rats and other rodents), 16 million birds (why?), 11 million reptiles (yuk!) and 148 million live Sushi (that would be fish…). We spent $45.4 billion on pets in 2009 and $17.4 billion of that on food alone; imagine the clean-up. Long live the pooper-scooper.

There are many reasons we have pet-relations. For some they enhance life (a splendid reason to get an 8 meter boa constrictor); they give you unconditional love (hamsters and turtles equally so); they help you relax (Pit-bulls on steroids are good at that); they motivate exercise (pet slugs are recommended); they lower our blood pressure and we can play with them, cuddle and love them. My cynical point is: wouldn’t it be great if we could get some of that positive stuff from human beings as well? There’s an idea.

Our cat Mindy adores small foam rubber balls. We throw them to the other end of the house and she runs after them, picks them up, brings them back, sits down and wait till we throw them again; and we do. To make it more interesting she soaks the balls in the water bowl. We keep telling her that she is not a blooming Golden Retriever; but she just looks at us, points at the ball and smile. Isn’t that adorable? Don’t you just hate listening to people’s stupid pet stories? I do; but I like telling mine, because they are so cute – go figure.

I am not a pet-lover, but Tess, our one year old Lab-Rottweiler mix is cute and lovely, great character and sweet as can be. Aforementioned Mindy is something else for a two-year old cat; but that’s about all the pets I can take. I am not fond of other people’s pets. I’m so sick and tired of being sniffed in crotch and butt by some dog I have no relationship with, while the owner is giggling: "Oh, I'm so sorry". I’m not keen on snakes and slugs, turtles and birds and other impersonal creatures. I know, when we admit we don't like pets, we are marked evil as can be, but I can’t lie about my pet-feelings; I could of course keep my mouth shut – but that’s impossible…

Overall we are positive and protective of our pets, which of course we should be. They do give us something special and that’s why we have had this relationship for thousands of years – and then they had to invent the pooper-scooper.

But we can also be cruel. In a small town south of here, they have an annual THE UGLIEST DOG pageant. So all these ugly dogs compete, and the ugliest dog win – and everybody is laughing and pointing and being very insensitive. Do the dogs care? I think they do. I must admit that last year’s winner was ugly, but in a unique and charming kind of way. But I still saw severe sadness behind those crossed eyes and that very long tongue just hanging there dripping saliva. The owner was ecstatic; in my opinion, the owner could have won the contest herself – paws down.

We humans have beauty pageants, but if anybody dare suggest an ugly pageant, that person would be executed as inhumane and ignorant (besides stupid and insensitive). But we can vote for an ugly dog – where’s the fairness in that?

And while we are on the subject (huh?): Have you noticed how some long-time couples start to sound alike? You ask him a question and she automatically answers and they finish each other's sentences. What is even more troubling is when they start to look alike. And finally they start to look like their pets – dogs for the most. Isn’t that weird? Of course in some cases it’s actually an improvement - no offense to the dogs…

Some say dogs are smart, but I’m not fully convinced. Sure they can bring a flock of sheep together (which can come in handy); they can corral a pair of slippers in seconds, retrieve sticks, balls and newspapers all day long; that’s smart okay. But then they clean that part of their anatomy with their tongues as well as they eat cat poop. Maybe I missed something, but where does “smart” fit in again? Yeah, I know, they are animals, no matter how domesticated we try to make them – and then we let them lick our faces; Yuk!

We do find comfort, love and trust from most of our pets; they make great companions and I can't fathom a world without them. When Mindy curl up in my lap and Tess gives out this long comfy noise lying next to me on the sofa, it does make me feel all warm and fuzzy – it really does. It momentarily makes me forget the feeling of my hand in a small plastic-bag, wrapping my fingers around a pile of newly dumped poop, still warm and so severely disgusting. I really despise that part – big time. What is worse is that you can’t hide the bag in your pocket because that would be gross and messy. The poop-in-the-bag has to swing along for the rest of the walk for all to see. Where’s the cool factor in that? Nowhere! But I do it because it’s the right thing to do and then I secretly think my wife looks at me as being responsible by doing my poop-duty; as long as I wash my hands when we get home - which I do most of the time...

Until next Monday: woof-woof

Aren’t they absolutely adorable?

If you want to hear more cute pet-stories just give me a call. I got thousands of them – I can’t wait to tell you.

But please don’t tell me yours, okay?

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