PROMISES –part two...

A bit more on the promise-subject:

     I promise that this blog-post will be informative, entertaining, eye-opening and another ‘wow’ piece by yours truly (that would be me). And even as I wrote that one sentence, I was wondering how I could get out of it – and fast. And that is for the most part how we ‘promise’ things of all kinds, as we are not truly fully truthful concerning following through on many of the promises we make; those kinds of promises smells like the ultimate kiss off.

  
     A promise is a commitment for us to do or not do something. As a noun promise means a declaration, assuring that we will or will not do something. As a verb it means that we commit ourselves by a promise to do or not to do. It can also mean a capacity for good, a positive value that is to be realized in the near future, as in: ‘it looks / sounds / feels’ promising. When we sign a contract, it’s an exchange of promises that is legally enforceable by law (including spanking) – so watch very carefully what you sign, huh?
     
     And then we have the vow (slightly different from wow) aspect of promises, as in “I do” and “till death do us part”. Promises can also appear as an oath, which to me is the much more serious rendition, compared to our everyday handy variety version of a promise.

     Of course there is the Mother-of-All promises, which starts with: “When I’m elected…” Yeah, political promises are for the most part laughable (and disappointing – to say the least). The positive part is that we all acknowledge these soon-to-be broken promises, which in itself is very sad, of course… and let’s not forget the classic in promises: “I’ll respect you in the morning…”
     
     We make promises as a precursor to pleasing somebody, to make them feel and trust that whatever is promised will come true, whatever the promise entails. I think that for the most part the ‘promisor’, the one making the promise (silly person) initially believes the promise made is a promise that will be kept (still a silly person). The ‘promisee’, the person who receives the promise, momentarily trust and embrace the comfort that ‘it will be done’, whatever it is that is promised. Of course, if somebody promises to beat the crap out of you, ‘embracing’ might not be part of the equation – at least it shouldn’t be.
     
     I need to clean the house; should have done it last week. As my wife leaves for work I try to look the most charming, though ‘guilt’ is plastered all over my forehead; I smile that seemingly irresistible smile of mine and in a deep, exotic voice utter: “I promise to clean the house today, sweetheart…” The very moment those words fly out of my mouth I think: “oh crap…”
     
     But it’s not because I’m against cleaning the house or pleasing my wife; I’m okay with both, of course. It’s the commitment in that promise, in any promise I make that I’m not so happy about. You see, I do not, for some strange reason work well when being asked to do trivial everyday tasks, where house-cleaning is one of them. I prefer to do those things without using a promise or commit myself to a specific time (day, month or year!) thereby eliminating the pressure to perform and therefore avoid spreading disappointment.

     It took me too many years to finally realize that I should not run around and promise this and that, left and right, up and down. I should just keep my big mouth shut and instead of promising to do something, simply just do it (Nike was right after all).
     
     So it doesn’t take rocket-science to quickly find that instead of promising to clean the house, I just clean it and the response is (pleasant) surprise and thank-you instead of disappointment and: ‘he’ (yet again), didn’t keep his promise. Don’t you think that’s a much better way to do it?
     
     For the most part our promises are ‘easements’ to resolve situations, emotions, practical aspects and the list of promises we make is long – very long. Promises are also used as a means to extent due-dates, heavily fiddling with procrastination. We promise things will never happen again, cowering behind the P-word. But when in a more rational and realistic mode, don’t we realize that we are speculating in the future where there are no guarantees, no matter how much we try to follow through on a promise? The sun rises and sets, taxes and death, yeah, those are more so guaranteed; any promise is not even close.
    
     But we keep on making promises, when instead we should consider action without promises; a much better way to go. I am sure we all mean very well when we stutter: “I do – and till death do us part (or at least till we get a divorce)”. Maybe it’s because in that very moment we do want to believe that to be our future – no, not the death and divorce, but you and I, like forever, or perhaps even longer. But there are no guarantees. So wouldn’t it be much better that instead of ‘I do’, we say ‘I’ll do my best’? At least we are realistic; but of course it doesn’t sound very romantic, does it?
     
     Promises are made all over the map; in the workplace, at home, to ourselves, between friends and family and so forth. I don’t see any limitations, but I certainly see a lot of misuse of an otherwise honorable intent – because I trust that we do for the most part make promises that we intent to keep. But in most cases, we are way too quick to use and offer promises as a quick-fix, a loosely applied momentary Band-Aid, that unfortunately will make the promise falter and disappoint, more so than it will succeed; and that’s a pity.
     
     Of human emotions, disappointment is huge. I believe and hope that we all have an innate and in some cases, blind trust in each other – no matter how many times we have experienced disappointment. Though we are also resilient buggers, I strongly suggest that we try to eliminate as much spreading of disappointment that we can. Not making promises we know before we even spit them out will not materialize, will be a superb start. It will open up a lot more happiness and pleasant surprises, while kicking some serious disappointment-butt out the door.
     
     So remember next time a promise seems to be the quickest solution to appease somebody into a false sense of trust and expectations, hold your tongue (also known as: shut up) and do that other thing: 

DON’T PROMISE IT – JUST DO IT

And please promise to thank me later, okay?

MERRY 2015

&

THANKS FOR READING

PROMISES – making & breaking

A promise is closely related to expectations, as we always expect something when somebody makes us a promise. Other emotions involved are joy and disappointment, results of a promise kept or broken. Joy is easy and a relief compared to disappointment being a lot more complex. Remember that we set our own expectations, so getting disappointed is therefore our own fault. And you thought it was easy, huh?

Promises are a huge issue in our lives, as they carry not only expectations that include issues of trust, beliefs, faith, honesty, friendships, respect, hope and so forth. But the technical core concerning promises is the simple matter of either doing something or not doing something. The simplicity of promises is scary, because of the vast harm and disappointment broken promises can cause. Okay, if somebody promises you a dose of bodily harm or other nasty stuff and they break such promise, disappointment surely doesn’t apply in those cases – duh!

We hand out promises left and right and we have unfortunately gotten to the point where broken promises are part of life. We even know beforehand when it’s not going to happen as promised; doesn’t matter if we make a promise to somebody or we are being promised something by somebody. It’s a pity because what I’m concerned, a positive promise should still be a valiant and honorable effort to do something good, something right, making somebody happy – certainly not to disappoint.

Has it become a saintly deed to actually keep a promise, making it an exception to the rule? That would be sad, but unfortunately I find that to be somewhat the truth – not the saintly part, but the fact that we are perhaps breaking more promises than we keep. And it’s not just you and I, but look around – and I’m not pointing at politicians as an example, because that’s way too easy. But since you pressured me, broken promises by most politicians start with: “when I’m elected…” I told you it was too easy.

To me, in the very center of the promising land, is the way we make promises to ourselves. On a daily basis we promise ourselves to do this or not do that or whatever and it’s not only a few things we promise ourselves, it’s really a lot. And we must realize that promises we break are not good for us to any extent. We are setting ourselves up for failure again and again – and that is not what we want to do. No, it’s not that we have to say: “I promise me to do…” to make it count. “I should do…”, “I must do…” etc. are promises as well – in case you didn’t know.

We promise ourselves a lot of things daily, weekly, monthly and so forth. From exercising regularly, eating healthy, be on time, remember this and that, and clean up the garage (now in its 22+ year – the longest promise I ever made). I promise to walk the dog twice daily, shave when my wife is off work, be friendly to strangers and the list of “promises-to-myself” is utterly long.

We feel the task is half done the moment we promise ourselves that we will do it. But unfortunately that’s only an illusion, a fake security making us believe that we will actually do what we promised ourselves – but in many cases we won’t. So why do we keep making those promises?

But I have seen the light and I have found a way to never disappoint me again, simply by never promise myself anything anymore. No, Dear Reader, that doesn’t mean that I’m lying on the floor letting life pass; I simply changed the way to do things – or not do things, in the promise-department. You can thank me later…

I’m a list freak, meaning that my calendar is full of mundane and daily stuff to do, from drinking enough water to remembering birthdays, appointments and a million other things. My calendar is my third brain (assuming I have two real ones). And I even make additional daily to-do lists (where ‘freaky’ pops up again). None of this stuff is attached with any promises what-so-ever; it’s simply a list of suggestions. This is stuff I need to do whenever it fits into my daily schedule and does not interfere with my napping agenda. Following this ingenious plan, I truly avoid failures, as I eliminate disappointment by not involving promises to any extent; you should try it.

I am also in the process of changing my philosophy concerning promises to people around me; I am simply trying not to promise anything anymore. I am heading in the direction of my own mantra: “I won’t tell you what I’m going to do – instead I’ll tell you when I have done it”. That way I am helping (such a saint) people around me to forget the promising bit, and they will not be disappointed due to silly expectations they may have had otherwise. So you see, I have changed my attitude and now achieve less pain for myself and those around me – I feel like Mother Teresa…

We all want to please – it’s in our nature. I strongly believe that we all mean something to each other, and though we are selfish in so many ways, the selfishness ends the second we see an opportunity to please somebody else. Perhaps that’s a selfish thing in itself, as it makes us feel good – egotism at its best.

But though we are all so nice and want to please, we must be careful about what we promise, to whom and where. As an example, broken promises in the work-place can be devastating to us, our coworkers and careers. We must remember that a broken promise can be more damaging than we think (except for those “bodily harm” things); increase relying on each other more so would be nice – don’t you agree?

We have unfortunately gotten rather numb to the ideology of what a promise is supposed to be; consciously making promises pathetically unimportant is not cool to any extent. Broken promises chip away on how people around us perceive who we are, liking us less and relying on us even lesser. Is that what we want? Didn’t think so…

Nowadays when I have to get even close to a promise, it’s presented more like: “…I’ll attempt my utmost” (whatever that is), “I’ll try”, “should be possible, but I’m not promising anything…” etc. Yes, it might seem a bit wishy-washy with a lot of maybe and perhaps attached, but the thing is that this way I will not crush your expectations; I won’t break any promises, because I didn’t make any. Also known as “covering my buns of steel” (read: butt) – and you can quote me on that.

One of the biggest promises most of us make (and some break) in our lives, some of us several times, is the “I do” in front of friends, family, our conscience, great expectations, choice of a god or not, the caterer and perhaps a clergy-person. Due to my exceptional mantra-based philosophy, I highly suggest that we change the “I do” to “I’ll do my best”. That is a promise that cannot exceed any expectations and will therefore not disappoint. I can promise you that when this is applied, nobody will get hurt and if they do, it’s their own damn fault - Amen.   

HALLOWEEN – what you don’t know

Today is Halloween, but do you really know why? I didn’t think so; that is yet another reason you follow this blog – all the surprisingly interesting (at times useless) bits of important information, just for you. So let’s look at Halloween, I dare you…

Halloween is listed as an annual holiday. I am not sure I’d agree as I find nothing “holy” about it – really. The origin goes back to the Dark Ages and the Celtic festival of Samhain, meaning honoring the dead; also an old Irish medieval meaning is “summer’s end”.

Some Christian monks wrote this Irish myth-thing back in the tenth century and the Scottish made a variant of “all-hallows-evening” in the sixteenth century. But all this is boring; so where the heck is the candy, dude?

It was called “begging” back then. Jack-O’-Lanterns (actually named after somebody named Jack - go figure) were carved out of turnips – imagine that; hard to compete with today’s 60 pound pumpkins, huh? Now the begging is called “trick or treating”; sounds better when small children in weird outfits stand in front of you announcing that if they don’t get a treat they’ll hurt you or your property – well, that’s what it means. So we fork over some candy to make them go away. It’s like a Mafioso protection program, but initiated by small people without real guns – I hope. When considering that approximately 36 million kids T & T each year, we recognize that they are collectively a lot stronger than the Mafia – seriously. So why do the kids wear costumes, you may ask? You'd fail to pick them out of a police line-up of course - duh.

My theory is that with all the candy involved, this whole Halloween thing is a conspiracy initiated by the ADA. Yes you read correctly, the American Dental Association. My dentist (and you know who you are) is stretching this candy issue beyond Halloween as every kid with a good check-up gets a lollipop; with a great check-up, they get two. But it is actually still in the spirit of Halloween as in scary and evil, wouldn’t you say? “Cavity-Pops”, they should be called.

The pumpkin deal was brought on by immigrants to the USA back in 1837, as pumpkins were readily available and bigger, therefore easier to carve out with a chain-saw - so out went the turnips.

The trick or treating began door-to-door back in 1911 and has pretty much been annoying ever since.

Costume categories started out with ghosts (remember: honoring the dead?), monsters, skeletons, witches and devils. Now it’s dominated by popular fiction figures, celebrities and Sara Palin (who actually brings it back to the original costume categories).

Halloween’s favorite colors are orange and black. And please explain to me why “bobbing for apples” is the thing to do on Halloween?

And while we are at it: did you know that each American eats an average of 25 pounds of candy every year? Probably 20 of those pounds on October 31st, huh?

998 million pounds of pumpkins are produced annually. Now really, how do they know or is this just a wild guess? It’ll be cool when they hit one billion…

I have never understood the: “Trick or treat, smell my feet; give me something good to eat”. Why would I have any interest in smelling the feet of a 6 year old boy dressed as Sara Palin? And “give me something good to eat” is an outright false demand. Try to give those little monsters and ballerinas Brussels sprouts and carrots, and they WILL hurt your family – true story.

Through the years I have yet again rolled out my cynicism, being against small kids begging for cavities and candy (not in that order, but it sounds better). I am against opening the front door on Halloween. But gentle reader, I do open the door and I do see these little kids in costumes and big smiles of excitement. I have to admit that they are cute – really. So they expect candy and lots of it; and due to the “trick” part you dare not go against their demands, or they might force you to smell their feet - a very scary thought.

Here is something you can try any Halloween: The doorbell rings, you get up and open and there they are, holding out their open goodie-bags, innocently threatening you. Then you say, while sticking your empty hand into their bags: “That is so nice of you to bring me candy – how many pieces can I have?” Their facial expressions turn priceless – really. They switch from smiles to confusion to total horror if you actually dare remove anything from their bags. I normally grab a handful, quickly close the door and turn out the lights; but you can still hear them cry. Remember that Halloween has something to do with evil, so I’m just doing my part. Gotta problem with that, huh? Nah, I’m a bit of a softy so the above is more like a juicy fantasy.

We have not bought a lot of candy this year, as last year, not that many came knocking. Maybe rumors had spread about the candy grabbing monster on Main Street. So all in all it worked; but now I miss them, those little angels, witches, cowboys, ballerinas and Sara Palins, threatening to hurt me if I don’t fork over some candy. I do hope they all have clean feet when they come knocking on our door - just in case...

DISAPPOINTED? - It’s your own fault

You seriously expected to win the $ 6 trillion lottery - you even bought a ticket; but you didn’t win. Byron totally ignored you at the office party - didn’t even notice your new dress. Sunny and warm for your second date and picnic with Claire would have been nice; but all you got was rain and irritating ants. You even expected to French-kiss Claire, but she told you: “not on the first eleven dates”, so you have ten to go. Disappointment - disappointment - disappointment; but it’s your own fault.

Disappointment is the feeling that follows what we conceive as failures, based on hopes and juicy fantasies, stuff that didn’t materialize as we wanted it to. For the most part it’s a feeling of ‘rejection’; and we try to ignore it the best we can. No matter how we deal with disappointments, they will still be our own fault - seriously.

Unfortunately, by human nature we constantly play the blaming-game, especially when dealing with disappointment. We blame somebody at the lottery office for not winning the trillions. No way could Byron be a true heterosexual, or perhaps the new dress was not revealing enough; but if it had been cut any lower in front, it would have been declared illegal in most countries. Claire doesn’t know how to kiss, had morning breath in the afternoon or is not a true heterosexual. Byron’s sister, perhaps? And we do this a lot. Blaming - blaming - blaming; but it’s still our own fault, sorry to say.

To decrease the feelings of disappointment, we must accept and fully understand that expectations create disappointment. We become disappointed when our expectations are not met. So to totally avoid disappointments, we should not expect anything at all. I know, rather impossible; but if we are more in tune with what we should and could expect, being hardcore realistic, the frustration and pain from disappointments would be a lot less.

You (pathetically) thought the trillions in the lottery was all yours and you had already spent most of it - mentally; but due to basic odds when millions of other people are investing in the same fantasy, you will rarely win anything at all. When that reality is part of your expectations, the disappointment will not be as severe. We’ll still be a tad disappointed, because in spite of the odds, we are still fantasizing rolling in trillions by next Monday - honestly.

Byron is a charmingly good-looking dude. All females in the office (and some of the males, too) have the hots for him. So you decide to expose a lot of your well-curved body by pouring it into a shape-fitting and low-cut dress for the office party, but more so for Byron. You are on the right track and pretty much every male (and some of the females, too) see you as hot as heck.

But Byron doesn’t even notice you are there; the party ends and you go home all alone, suffering deep disappointment. It was entirely your own fault. You see, Byron did not know you were there for the simple reason that you never told him. You should have tried the simple: “Hi Byron, I’m Liz from accounting - going to the office party next Friday?” That simple line would have made Byron acknowledge you and where you were going to be. So Friday evening you would walk up to Byron (who’s actually a true heterosexual, but very shy), smile that great smile of yours and say: “Hi Byron, remember me ‘Liz from accounting’ - good to see you here - wanna dance?” You limited your level of disappointment, just in case Byron wasn’t interested (or married), by creating more realistic expectations – making the odds a lot better in your favor.

In my fantasy-world you end up dancing and chatting with Byron the whole evening, and as I live for happy endings, you get married, have three kids (one of each), a funny cat, an obedient medium sized dog and a bunny named Fluffy - and then you grow old together, surrounded by a lot of those grand-children things… (Sigh); oh gee, I’m such a romantic.

George had had his eyes (yeah, both of them) on Claire for the longest time. She had agreed to a second date and George, also being utterly romantic, suggested a picnic in the local park. He had grand expectations, including holding hands (Claire’s) and finally get to French-kiss her; yeah, on the lips and with tongues - at least that was the idea. But George forgot something in the planning-department.

He didn’t know that Claire was not “that kind of girl”, whatever kind of girl that is. She was brought up by strict parents who believed that any physical contact with anything, breathing or not, was a one-way ticket to Hell. It wasn’t that Claire didn’t like George; it was just that she didn’t want to disappoint her parents and their great expectations of her...

But did George bother to find out? No, because he trusted his juicy expectations would be met, and that Claire would be more than willing to do that French kissing thing and perhaps more? But his expectations were not met at all, so disappointment hit George hard and where it really hurts; ouch...

If George had taken the time to get to know Claire better by doing that ‘talking’-thing, he would no doubt have found that they were not compatible at all. Asking her if she would like to French kiss on the first date would have been a tad tacky, of course, but he should have taken the time to get to know more about Claire before thinking in terms of base-running - if you know what I mean…

We set ourselves up for massive disappointments when our expectations over-shadow the realistic possibilities of what it is we want, what we expect. But now you have learned how to cut down on disappointments, another reason you read this blog.

So as a healthy exercise, and to prove my point, think about some disappointments you have “suffered” in the past and look at how and why you were hit so hard with this unpleasant feeling. Think of what your expectations were at the time and think about what you could have done different. I trust we find that if we had approached some of these incidents with more caution, with a more rational reality-check, we would have decreased heartbreaks and other massive feelings of disappointment and failure.

I hate being disappointed; dislike the feeling as it is such a self-inflicted and pathetic downer. But when I apply common sense, reality and logic concerning my expectations, the level of disappointment comes down to where I can deal with it a lot easier; perhaps even giggle or smile about it – a much better result than blaming, whining and crying.

With respect to that “human nature” thing, disappointments cannot be fully avoided, and I’m fine with that – I really am, so you should be fine with it as well. I expect you to; please don’t disappoint me. But if you are not fine with this, then remember that it’s not my fault; at all…

WRITER’S BLOCK – sorry I’m late

Yes, at times I’m as blocked as the best of them, including Shakespeare and Hemingway. Of course they don’t have writer’s block anymore, but I sure have. It’s not a life and death issue, though at times it feels like it. It’s more that my plan is to publish a new post the first and fifteenth of each month; shouldn’t be a big deal, because for a few years I published a new (and exciting?) post every blooming Monday. How the heck was I able to do that, huh? So 140-some blog-posts later, am I all emptied out? Seems like it… But I shouldn’t be; far from.

All this pressure comes from me - nobody else. It’s a tad pathetic, because not a single (or married) person or any small animal named Fluffy tells me what to do and when - not a one. I am not faced with deadlines set by a domineering, mean and demanding publisher, who actually takes “deadline” literally – by implementing a professional firing squad. Monetary gain has no place in getting me to write or not to write, but could surely be a lovely encouragement (sigh). Send me some cash and I’ll come up with something really fast… on the way to the bank. And the more cash, the faster I write…

 I do not receive any threatening communication from readers, of which there are over 30,000 from over 132 countries or something like that. Nobody goes into a confused frenzy, life-altering tirade because “Peter didn’t do that blog-thing on that specific date… as he used to...” It’s like nobody else cares or worry more than I do – but maybe I’m not the only one. Like, do you care?

 The thing is that I am actually really fine with either of the ways, because looking at the daily statistics, I am still at the point of being in total awe of the (yes) worldwide interest in what I write, the interest in my blog (when not having writer’s block, of course); I do thank you so much for reading - really.

 And then the kicker is that I do have so many pieces done already and many in draft-form. Working titles like ‘DEATH - so bloody final’, “WHO AM I - who are you?’, ‘DATING - a second go at it’; a lot of half-done and some fully finished pieces. But as I am very critical of my own work and need to be in a good mood, forgiving, intoxicated or just simply ignorant (ha ha), giving my blessing to finished pieces are jeopardized – at times.

 Before I started LIFE AS IT REALLY IS (in 2011), my plan was and still is, to write something light, not with a lot of fluff, but with a bit of fun and at least something, if not a lot of something we didn’t really know before; perhaps something we were aware of, but didn’t really think about - but maybe we should? I think I succeeded, at least when considering that I still write all this stuff for me; that so many thousands of readers out there in InternetLand like to read it as well, is the proverbial frosting on the cake.

 I do experience writer’s-block at times. Considering the trillion subject-matters still readily available, why is it that I can’t write one bloody line? My life, as my writing (which I have done all my life), has always been based on simplicity. Why complicate simple matters? Why blow simple issues out of unreachable proportions? Doesn’t make sense; does it? And still, not a single idea pops up…

 So I should be able to find many of those simple everyday items to write about, stuff that we do, talk and think about a lot - but don’t pay much attention to. We are fortunate to be able to find humor in so many things - even the most serious sides of life, but at times I do have problems finding this stuff to write down.

 I like making people smile and laugh; it gives me so much positive energy. If I ever die, my tombstone would say: “If I made you laugh - I lived”. But at times I don’t know how to make you laugh - yeah, can’t even make me laugh…

 Other reasons for writer’s block would be a ‘foul-to-really-crappy mood’, ‘time-restrictions’ (which is a really stupid reason, as I am so retired and should be in full control of all my own time). ‘Out of cool ideas’ is just a bloody lethargic reason for not looking for something that is surrounding us in utter masses and needs to be written about.

 But I do find that for the most part the lack of luster concerning putting something down, get going with fun topics and simply write, seems to be based on laziness to a large extent;  also ‘supported’ by the fact that nobody or any one thing pressures me to perform. But that shouldn’t be my excuse, because I do pride myself with certain ethics of doing what I plan to do, especially when I already made a note in my calendar – serious stuff.

“Finish blog-post & publish” is gawking at me the first and fifteenth of every month. Deleting it if not done is more painful than I like to admit, because it’s a very pathetic feeling, as it has nothing to do with life or death, or anything close to those things. It’s like I failed myself by not doing what I set out to do - and that’s a feeling I seriously despise, no matter how important, no matter how insignificant.

But it’s not just about ‘to write or not to write’. There are so many other aspects of our everyday life where we are faced with ‘blocks & walls’ of all kinds. At times we hit these blocks & walls trying to do things or fail to start tasks needed to be started and done; while our brains go “HUH?” We know that if we really make an effort, use a bit more of those 10% of our brains we actually use, then we are able to fix it, do it and move on, while smashing through blocks or walls in the process.

 At times we don’t apply the effort. We feel tired, bored, lazy, uninspired, in a crappy mood (my favorite), mixed with lack of energy and interest. But you know what, that is also okay, as we can’t be on top of our game all the time, as that would be so bloody unexciting - don’t you think? Good excuse…

Okay, so what the heck should I write about - let me see...

 Here’s an idea: any topics you want me to write about, please let me know. Hopefully you are not suffering from ‘topics block’; huh?

 Here’s my E-Mail:   steiness@sbcglobal.net