DISAPPOINTED? - It’s your own fault

You seriously expected to win the $ 6 trillion lottery - you even bought a ticket; but you didn’t win. Byron totally ignored you at the office party - didn’t even notice your new dress. Sunny and warm for your second date and picnic with Claire would have been nice; but all you got was rain and irritating ants. You even expected to French-kiss Claire, but she told you: “not on the first eleven dates”, so you have ten to go. Disappointment - disappointment - disappointment; but it’s your own fault.

Disappointment is the feeling that follows what we conceive as failures, based on hopes and juicy fantasies, stuff that didn’t materialize as we wanted it to. For the most part it’s a feeling of ‘rejection’; and we try to ignore it the best we can. No matter how we deal with disappointments, they will still be our own fault - seriously.

Unfortunately, by human nature we constantly play the blaming-game, especially when dealing with disappointment. We blame somebody at the lottery office for not winning the trillions. No way could Byron be a true heterosexual, or perhaps the new dress was not revealing enough; but if it had been cut any lower in front, it would have been declared illegal in most countries. Claire doesn’t know how to kiss, had morning breath in the afternoon or is not a true heterosexual. Byron’s sister, perhaps? And we do this a lot. Blaming - blaming - blaming; but it’s still our own fault, sorry to say.

To decrease the feelings of disappointment, we must accept and fully understand that expectations create disappointment. We become disappointed when our expectations are not met. So to totally avoid disappointments, we should not expect anything at all. I know, rather impossible; but if we are more in tune with what we should and could expect, being hardcore realistic, the frustration and pain from disappointments would be a lot less.

You (pathetically) thought the trillions in the lottery was all yours and you had already spent most of it - mentally; but due to basic odds when millions of other people are investing in the same fantasy, you will rarely win anything at all. When that reality is part of your expectations, the disappointment will not be as severe. We’ll still be a tad disappointed, because in spite of the odds, we are still fantasizing rolling in trillions by next Monday - honestly.

Byron is a charmingly good-looking dude. All females in the office (and some of the males, too) have the hots for him. So you decide to expose a lot of your well-curved body by pouring it into a shape-fitting and low-cut dress for the office party, but more so for Byron. You are on the right track and pretty much every male (and some of the females, too) see you as hot as heck.

But Byron doesn’t even notice you are there; the party ends and you go home all alone, suffering deep disappointment. It was entirely your own fault. You see, Byron did not know you were there for the simple reason that you never told him. You should have tried the simple: “Hi Byron, I’m Liz from accounting - going to the office party next Friday?” That simple line would have made Byron acknowledge you and where you were going to be. So Friday evening you would walk up to Byron (who’s actually a true heterosexual, but very shy), smile that great smile of yours and say: “Hi Byron, remember me ‘Liz from accounting’ - good to see you here - wanna dance?” You limited your level of disappointment, just in case Byron wasn’t interested (or married), by creating more realistic expectations – making the odds a lot better in your favor.

In my fantasy-world you end up dancing and chatting with Byron the whole evening, and as I live for happy endings, you get married, have three kids (one of each), a funny cat, an obedient medium sized dog and a bunny named Fluffy - and then you grow old together, surrounded by a lot of those grand-children things… (Sigh); oh gee, I’m such a romantic.

George had had his eyes (yeah, both of them) on Claire for the longest time. She had agreed to a second date and George, also being utterly romantic, suggested a picnic in the local park. He had grand expectations, including holding hands (Claire’s) and finally get to French-kiss her; yeah, on the lips and with tongues - at least that was the idea. But George forgot something in the planning-department.

He didn’t know that Claire was not “that kind of girl”, whatever kind of girl that is. She was brought up by strict parents who believed that any physical contact with anything, breathing or not, was a one-way ticket to Hell. It wasn’t that Claire didn’t like George; it was just that she didn’t want to disappoint her parents and their great expectations of her...

But did George bother to find out? No, because he trusted his juicy expectations would be met, and that Claire would be more than willing to do that French kissing thing and perhaps more? But his expectations were not met at all, so disappointment hit George hard and where it really hurts; ouch...

If George had taken the time to get to know Claire better by doing that ‘talking’-thing, he would no doubt have found that they were not compatible at all. Asking her if she would like to French kiss on the first date would have been a tad tacky, of course, but he should have taken the time to get to know more about Claire before thinking in terms of base-running - if you know what I mean…

We set ourselves up for massive disappointments when our expectations over-shadow the realistic possibilities of what it is we want, what we expect. But now you have learned how to cut down on disappointments, another reason you read this blog.

So as a healthy exercise, and to prove my point, think about some disappointments you have “suffered” in the past and look at how and why you were hit so hard with this unpleasant feeling. Think of what your expectations were at the time and think about what you could have done different. I trust we find that if we had approached some of these incidents with more caution, with a more rational reality-check, we would have decreased heartbreaks and other massive feelings of disappointment and failure.

I hate being disappointed; dislike the feeling as it is such a self-inflicted and pathetic downer. But when I apply common sense, reality and logic concerning my expectations, the level of disappointment comes down to where I can deal with it a lot easier; perhaps even giggle or smile about it – a much better result than blaming, whining and crying.

With respect to that “human nature” thing, disappointments cannot be fully avoided, and I’m fine with that – I really am, so you should be fine with it as well. I expect you to; please don’t disappoint me. But if you are not fine with this, then remember that it’s not my fault; at all…