FLIRTING – are you any good at it?

Though argument may suggest otherwise, I think that flirting and being flirtatious is something that you are either good at, or you stink up the place with. What I’m concerned, to be good at flirting we need charm, self-confidence, a healthy self-esteem, sense of humor (very important), quick thinking and a nice smile - just to name a few. Am I a good flirter? I think I am, but not to the full extent of the above. So are you any good at it?

I like the French origin of the term flirting. It comes from conter fleurette which means: “try to seduce” or the lighter translation: “to speak sweet nothings”. So are we trying to seduce when we flirt? Yes we are, to some extent – if that is what we are going for or not.

Flirting is a social as well as a sexual activity (now you are blushing, huh?) and can be a verbal, a written or a body language related communication by one person to another. Flirting is also known as coquetry, but we don’t use that term much; it is too difficult to spell.

There are very fine and ethical lines involved in the art of flirting, as flirting can be a very indirect and at times suggestive (sexual) form of communication that in most situations should stay within acceptable limits. We have “flirting with intent” and the more popular “flirting for fun”.  Playful flirtation can be amusing for all involved and I have always believed that when done right, not crossing those ethical and/or moral lines, it is more so a term of endearment than trying to score (sexually). Oh, and a female flirter is called a coquette (that word again) and the male one is called a player or a womanizer. I have never considered myself either of the two male-things, ever.

But of course flirting has a wider reason; it is a milder suggestion for greater intimacy, then what a present relationship justifies – as when meeting somebody you feel attracted to. The importance is to balance on the border of social etiquette (as not being crude and sleazy), as flirting with strong sexual overtones can backfire and erase any chances of getting to know the other person. As charming and as cute flirting can be, a wrong approach can kill any chances of success – in an instance (been there and done that – twice).

When we flirt (or think we do), we are trying, to some extent, to build a stronger bond with somebody else. It’s like “our little thing” kind of deal, and done right, we do feel flattered and appreciative knowing that somebody likes us beyond the basics of friendship, work colleagues, etc. Oh and let’s get the “work”- thing nailed down, so you do not get burned – or fired with a later date in court.

Flirting for fun is all, well, fun, but in the work-place (here in the USA) the fun can turn gruesome in seconds. Flirting in most shapes and forms is laced with light-to-heavy sexual connotations – no matter how much or not it was meant to be. But it has more so everything to do with how the flirting is conceived by the “target” – and for the most part, the “target” is always right. So the “I didn’t mean to imply…” will rarely hold water in your defense. This is the way flirting turns to sexual-harassment – not a nice situation to get into, so better watch out.

Yes there are horrendous lawsuits, some justified big time, but others are shamelessly exploited – just like so many other kinds of suits. And it brings me back to the part about being cautious, sensitive and considered.

If we do not have the “talent” for flirting, can we learn how to? I do not believe that we can – sorry; it has to come naturally, as with other things we do well. But that doesn’t hold back self-help books being published about how-to-flirt. Here are a few titles, and trust me, I could not make this up – really:

FLIRTING LIKE WILDFIRE

THE FLIRTING BIBLE

THE HIDDEN BODY LANGUAGE

FLIRTING FOR DUMMIES (my all-time favorite)

FLIRTING TO WIN

FLIRTING 101: HOW TO CHARM YOUR WAY TO LOVE, FRIENDSHIP & SUCCESS

MAKE HIM BEG TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND IN 6 SIMPLE STEPS

HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IN 90 MINUTES OR LESS

FROM HELLO TO SEX: THE MAN’S GUIDE TO GETTING LAID

Oh well, you get the idea. And I’m sure some people out there buy these titles and fantasize about the (fast?) results. But my point is still, that flirting is not something that we can be taught how to do. Don’t you agree?

So are the non-flirters totally lost? Of course not, as conversation, especially the art of listening and showing interest in getting-to-know somebody else can be just as effective; perhaps even more so, as flirting is considered a much lighter form of getting-to-know-you, bonding with you as is.

I have had a few disastrous flirting situations in my life – the ones I cannot forget; but overall I feel very comfortable with my flirting abilities – has never been a problem. Now don’t get me wrong Dear Reader, as I am not bragging, just stating a fact, which does not make me bigger (or smaller) to any extent. And of course, now that I am a lot older (more mature, as I prefer), I can flirt till I am blue in the face. Here’s a quote that explains this perfectly:  "One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like, since you have become harmless." 

And then there are the many times I get uncomfortable when flirting (being “charming and witty” (giggle giggle)). When I am being flirted back to, which is the normal order of good flirting, I blush, which I can still do, scrape the ground with my left foot and curl up inside, feeling extremely uncomfortable. So in most cases I can dish this flirting thing out, but I’m never good at being on the receiving end. Same thing with compliments, I can give a lot of them, but when directed towards me, I do not greet them well – at all.

Overall flirting is a good thing, as it is a way to tell somebody that they are special beyond the norm or the situation. I have never found that to be wrong – even in the work-place, as expressing our interests and feelings to people around us is just another rather natural way to communicate. When we stay within the ethical lines and borders, flirting with charm and wit, not with crudeness and ignorance, is rather awesome, sweet and exciting; don’t you think?