FAMILY – as thick as blood?

Most societies consider family being the principal institution for the socialization of children; the (blood-related) protective environment where children are brought up. Family is also explained as being the human context as a group of people affiliated by consanguinity, meaning: close relations or connection; and yeah I can’t pronounce it either. But even though we deem family the core of our lives, by underlining the assumed importance of same, does that make family association stick together as thick as blood?

Let’s get the heavy stuff out of the way; if you pay attention you might actually learn a bit here – scary, but hang on. Anthropologists classify family organization as matrilocal (mother and kids); consanguineal (related by blood, parents, kids and other family related members). And last but certainly not least: conjugal, meaning: husband, wife and some kids (perhaps a bunny named Fluffy?) also known as the nuclear family – because it can be explosive at times? No, it has no reflection on atomic weapons, but is related to nucleus, as in core – or something like that. And now to the easier part…

I grew up in that nuclear family thing, with a mother, a father and an older brother. Do I remember that era as family time? Do I remember it as that family thing, where we all loved, appreciated and respected each other while having a great time, creating loads of fantastic memories? In some ways I do and in other ways I don’t. But overall (retrospect at its very best) it was an okay time.

My brother and I had an estranged relationship that I do not wish to dive into. I don’t remember my father being that father-figure thing, whatever was expected. But my Mother and I have been friends as far back as I can remember, more so than mother and child – and we are still best friends (my Mother is 93 – I’m 67, if you really must know). She is back in Denmark and we phone-chat 4-5 times weekly. My Mother has dementia, but still recognizes me. I really like to make her laugh – so I do that as much as possible. The second we hang up, she has forgotten all about our chat – life as it also is…

I had a grandfather I really loved a lot and one I never really knew. I had a grandmother who didn’t like anything male, except my grandfather and their German Shepherd named King. I had two aunts and two uncles as well as I have three cousins. I have always liked my cousins a lot – still do. So it wasn’t really a huge family, whatever huge means. Were we functional as a family? I’m not sure, but that is also okay. We all seemed to get along – and isn’t that what families are supposed to do? Somewhat relying on that thicker than blood thing?

It was my father who once told me that because we are family does not dictate that we stick together in health and in sickness – and I have always felt he was right about that. We should not be ignorant and accept and/or fully agree with what the family does or decide 100% - just because we are (blood) related. Don’t you agree?

The thing is that we, by tradition perhaps, try harder to make family things work and work out – for the sake of the family… But I do not believe that there are any rules or laws stipulating our unconditional commitment to any specific family unit – just because…

My wife and I have been together nearly 30 years. We have two sons, who are now adults. My wife and I are Scandinavians, living in California. That was a choice we made individually, so here we are. I have never regretted my geographic move – except that I am so far away from my Mother, my wife’s side of our family, my cousins and some very good friends. I miss the possibility to just drive by and have a glass of wine with any of them – whenever I feel like it.

But fortunately we visit Scandinavia rather often and many family members and friends visit us here – either way, great, loving and fun times are had by all - seriously.

Being part of a family carries, or should carry, a lot of responsibility. I mean, just look at how many titles are involved. In my case I am a son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, a husband, a father, a son-in-law, an uncle and most importantly, I’m also an overall nice guy… That’s quite a load of obligations, wouldn’t you say?

We just returned from 3 weeks in Denmark and Sweden. It was 3 very busy and fun weeks. My wife and I were privileged to travel with both our sons and our youngest son’s great girlfriend. We visited my Mother, which was tough yet again, as she is getting older and older; spent some days and nights in Copenhagen, visiting with friends and then off to Sweden and my wife’s side of the family.

If I’m not counting totally wrong, the number of considered family members in Sweden (some not blood-related, but members of the family none-the-less), all included, we are looking at approximately 34; to me that is a lot of members. And the amazing thing is, that I cannot find one (proverbial?) black sheep, as they are all genuinely lovely, nice, fun and simply great. No, Dear Reader, this is not written to score any points, as this is the simple truth. And I find it a rich privilege to be associated with this group – this wonderful family.

There is no doubt great human value in the nucleus of family, the togetherness blood relations bring us. But to me it would not be right to make that the whole reason to stick together, not just in health, but more so in sickness. I don’t think we should or have to, sacrifice all, just because we are related; no need to bend rules and convictions we would otherwise not bend – just because of the family. But I am also sure that we do bend the rules and adjust our convictions a bit more when silly uncle Bob screws up. And that is of course also okay – to a certain limit – but the blood gets a tad thinner in the process of non-acceptable behavior; don’t you think?

We have some great friends here in California and we call them our American Family. No, they are not substitutes, far from, as they feel like real family, as I believe real family should feel like: respect, friendship, consideration, honesty, humor, appreciation, love and other grand stuff like that. I could not feel any closer to any of them if you applied an extra ton of thick blood.

I believe it is utterly important to appreciate our families, to make this institution work at its best. We all have a need to belong, to be loved and respected; the comfort of support and appreciation, and those are just some of the essential necessities for a good and prospering (family) life. So we do that extra effort... If we don't, we really should.

My life is so much richer with the two families I am part of; the one in Scandinavia and the one here in California – in that respect I am and feel extremely fortunate, thick blood or no blood at all.  

A SIGN I SAW IN STOCKHOLM

(Goes for everybody?)

AND TALKING ABOUT FAMILY:

Victor Borge (Danish comedian) said about performing:

“I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible… and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.”