From my childhood I cannot recall that my parents ever explained to me why this and that was restricted, not allowed or off limits (or all three combined). Their sole communication was NO and that was it. As far as I remember my basic reaction was AWWWW and a bit of momentary hatred for mom and dad because they were ruining my life - again. Sounds familiar?
I was born in Denmark in 1946; for those of you with calculators, that makes me 67 this year. My so-called formative years ran through 1965 if we consider 19 a semi-adult with 25 being a full adult (I’m still waiting for that to kick in).
Life was simpler back then. We often use the term innocent years, but considering the Cold War, nuclear threats, Kennedy’s and King’s assassinations, the Viet Nam war and stuff like that, it was innocence with a dark cloud looming above. But as kids we didn’t really give a damn – we were kids and we were not supposed to give anything – huh?
I grew up in a middle-class home with a mother, a father and an older brother. We didn’t miss much, but that was all we could afford. I have had a grand friendship with my Mother from I was very young (still do – she’s 93 and living in Denmark. We chat by phone 4-5 times weekly and I visit her every 10 months). It seemed the mother/child relationship went out the window when I was about 6 or 7 and then we were more so great friends – ever since. She was never strict with me, because she trusted me. If I could be trusted back then, is another story all together.
I do not recall my father being much of a parent and don’t think that I had any kind of relationship with him, other than he was my father. He went to work and my Mother took care of home and kids; getting the picture?
Did we ever talk or discuss or even try to understand each other’s roles as children and parents? Did your parents ever sit down with you and ask: “What is the real problem here – how do YOU feel about it and what do YOU see as a solution in all fairness?” I didn’t think so. But then again did you ever ask your parents the same questions? I bet you didn’t – and I didn’t either. This is where we are missing out for a much more understanding, harmonious, effective and smooth co-existence.
There are huge differences between parents and children (as if you haven’t noticed). I have always been fascinated by diversities, because when we embrace, understand and respect our differences, we all get along a lot better. So what would happen if we tried to embrace, understand and respect the relationship between parents and children, children and parents? Hey, there’s an idea.
First off, let’s drop the pathetic labeling of each other. Parents suck because they don’t understand; kids have no clue what-so-ever. So already we have this wall between us. Remember what Reagan asked Gorbachev in the '80’s? BRING DOWN THIS WALL (meaning the one in Berlin – just so you know), and down it came.
To help the wall tumble between children & parents, we must make an effort to understand each other. Parents have a lot more experience (duh) than their children, more maturity and for the most part more common sense. Parents must use this advanced maturity by patiently trying to understand where the kids are coming from (and where they want to go – really). It’s not enough to substantiate a NO with BECAUSE. To me, it’s insulting to the child; why not give them a chance to understand the real reason for the NO, so they know where mom and dad are coming from? Remember that any situation between children and parents is something that has never been experienced before; it is as new as can be for both sides - think about it…
Adults are talking to children like they understand what we are saying – but they really don’t get it all (or at all, in some cases). It’s like advancing students to math-levels beyond their capabilities, and then we (the adults) shake our heads and tell them they are not trying hard enough. But they are trying as hard as they can, but they are not there mentally, yet – it’s too much too soon. Not that the parents should talk down to their children, but make explanations more understandable.
I see the biggest thing we can all do is listen to each other and not pre-judge and determine yes or no before we have listened. We must pry our minds wide open and really try to understand each other. Listening to what is said, how things are explained and reasoned, and what the reaction is and why; when we don’t understand, we ask questions till we do.
If 14 year old George wants to go to the party on Saturday, his happiness and further development in socializing is hanging heavy in his parent’s deciding yes or no. They are pretty much against George going anywhere till he’s 35 (and only then, perhaps), so poor George already has an uphill battle to wage.
George’s parents say NO and George asks WHY and George’s parents say BECAUSE… Sounds familiar? But let’s advance into my theory of children & parents communication, understanding and compromise. Though George was brought up with good values, sense of responsibility as well as trust, and was taught all this by his parents (duh), they still have doubts? Hey wait a second, why would they doubt George’s mode of behavior? He is pretty much their image – somewhat.
The thing is that we (the parents) mold as good of human beings in our children as we can, and when they are starting to crawl and walk and run and drive and fly or whatever, we must let them – we must trust them, bit by bit; we have to trust them. Of course it is such a hard thing to do, BUT WE MUST.
George has heard so much about trust and now he’s confused because his parents don’t trust him – and they taught him all about trusting people, especially trusting himself? So this is where they sit George down and tell him that they do trust him, but it’s the other kids they don’t know and therefore can’t trust. But George still thinks it’s not right they can’t trust him to do the right things and not do the wrong things. But at least they told him their reasoning – and he understood; but wait, there is more…
So this is where mom and dad also tell George that the real reason for their concern, is that they are SCARED, scared of millions of things that could happen to their son. I strongly believe that is the main reason parents are hesitant in most of these decisions; I’ve been there and done that. So now it’s George comforting his parents, underlining that he is a good kid and all is going to be fine and he’ll be home at the agreed upon time (and he was). And somewhere inside, George is also scared a bit – this “party-thing” is rather new to him, so anxieties pop up here and there – and when he tells his parents about this, there is a much better understanding – and relief.
Agreeing to let George party, his mom and dad have extended their comfort-zones, by trusting that George will prove they made a good decision - together. And George has been given the opportunity to prove to mom and dad that he can be trusted and this has a lot riding on future freedoms. You see it’s a big time two way street, with a lot of expectations on both sides.
It’s tough and frustrating to be a child growing up. But it is as tough and frustrating to be the adult. Parents are loaded with those constant responsibilities which are not an emotion fully developed in a child; something we must all acknowledge.
But there are of course a lot of other issues concerning our differences, but if we just take the time regarding the above basics, being able and willing to talk, listen to and understand each other more, perhaps we can make those times of deciding yes or no more smooth, happier and agreed upon (for the most part). Don’t you think it’s worth a try?
PS. George had a great time at the party, came home on time and mom and dad were relieved – a lot… (Don’t you just love happy endings?)
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