That’s actually the lighter version of my true feelings towards kids back then, especially babies – I pretty much hated them; nothing personal. They smelled bad, were noisy and irritating. But the worst part was that they effectively took the attention away from me. I can hear you call me self-centered, ignorant, childish (go figure), shallow and other choice words. I admit to all that, but that was how I felt about babies – back then.
Through school and the start of my career I found several great friends. We’d party, have those long dinners with good food and wine, we’d hike and picnic and simply celebrate being young, being free and especially being childless. And then that whole wonderful world fell apart, just like that.
I was about 24 at the time and at a dinner-party. In the middle of dessert the host announced: “Great news – we are pregnant.” I tried to compute the information, but came up with nothing. “We are going to have a baby,” he gleefully said, like I didn’t know what “pregnant” meant. She grabbed my hand and put it on her stomach. “There’s a little baby in here, Peter. Isn’t that wonderful?” I pulled my hand back in horror and blurted out my initial reaction: “What’s so bloody wonderful about that?” Suddenly everything was about babies – nothing was about me anymore.
Then they all started to multiply like it was the plague. I found that the pregnancies were not the worst; the babies were. They immediately took over center stage, getting all the attention – and left none for me. It was the end of “fun & free”. Everything circled around diapers, poop, clothes, first words, hurling, walking and like forever. When I tried to communicate I found everybody looking at the babies, not hearing a single word I said. They were all into “gaga-googo-gee-da-gab-twich”, whatever that meant; they seemed to know, the parents who used to be my friends.
Babies make adults act weird and strange. The kid is in the crib and an adult leans in and goes: “gaga-googo-gee-da-gab-twich” while poking a fat finger in to the kid’s stomach. I can only imagine the kid thinking: “Interesting words; I assume it means something. I’ll repeat and see what happens.” And that’s what it does, “gaga-googo-gee-da-gab-twich”. That’s why I think it takes kids years to learn to speak. Seems like we screw up the babies' linguistic possibilities from day one; true story.
And then they start to walk – oh my. Having them stationary in the crib or attached to a breast I was fine with, but now they were freely roaming the room. If you totally ignore a dog, it will soon try to get your attention; the same with small children. I tried “ignoring” on the highest level; but they figured me out and then they started to bother me on purpose, because they knew I didn’t like them – kids are not dumb. And that was the last straw. Hanging around this baby-stuff was not me, so I fast-tracked out of those relationships. When they asked why they didn’t see me anymore, I told them that I did not like babies and small children; and then I never heard from them again - go figure.
I was about 33 when I actually held a baby for the very first time ever. Somebody stuck Sarah into my hands and said: “Hold her.” Unfortunately Sarah was not 21 years old, but only 6 months. I froze, but held on. Holding a baby in locked and outstretched arms is not easy – for 17 minutes. If you want to try it, don’t start with a real one, use a thawed turkey instead; a lot safer - really.
The next baby I held was our firstborn. Early in the relationship with my wife, a long walk on the beach, her talking about family, siblings and their children, I suddenly realized that I wanted children too – with her. It felt so natural, something I wanted. I read books about children, did the Lamaze thing and was getting ready. I even quit my day-job so I could be home with our baby when my wife headed back to work.
It was the best decision I ever made (besides marrying my wife). Spending time with the baby, feeding, changing diapers and clothes, the daily walks, the play-time and the naps with him lying on my chest, feeling his breath, his warmness and that little heartbeat; it was simply awesome. And a few years later our youngest son arrived and the same thing happened; what a turn-around.
But I’m still not too keen on other people’s babies. Sure they are cute, but I refuse to go “gaga-googo-gee-da-gab-twich” or hold them. Small children are great, really. There is all this energy, curiosity, honesty, trust and utter zest for life; things we adults have somewhat forgotten, things we can all learn from. I do not feel ashamed or guilty about my attitude towards babies in the past – I can’t go back and undo it, can I? I remember those ex-friends of mine kept telling me, that when I got my own babies, I’d see what they were going through and I would like babies too. Dang it, they were right – to some extent.
Our “babies” are now 21 and 24. Time has gone so fast; if you are a parent or plan to become one, make sure you enjoy the ride – I did, diapers and all...
See you next Monday
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