Assuming we are average, which of course we are not, we only listen to about 25% of what is verbally communicated to us. This disturbing information comes from Barry L. Reece and Rhonda Brandt’s book: Effective Human Relations. I’m sure neither Barry nor Rhonda is average either! To be a bad listener is not good. Even worse is the fact that only 25% of what you and I verbally communicate is heard. Of course this is very disturbing, as we have so much more great and important stuff to say than all those average persons put together – I’m sure you agree!
So what do all those average listeners actually do with the time they pretend to be listening?Are they balancing checkbooks, mentally repainting the garage or wondering if Darwin was right after all? I very much doubt it.
Here are three things I think they do: First of all, they are impatiently waiting for the other person to stop talking. Secondly, they are waiting even more impatiently for it to be their turn so they can express what they have to say about the issue. Thirdly, they are contemplating how they can make their story much more interesting, colorful, exciting and fantastic and how they no doubt can out-do what this other person is saying – whatever 25% they hear. I’m sure you get the picture, but just in case this is all news to you, here is a refresher course in how to “out-do”:
Male one: “My wife was in labor for nearly 16 hours before our son was born. It was the most difficult of times!”
Male two: “That’s nothing. My wife labored for a fortnight before the third of the twins was finally born!”
Male three: “The hospital had never seen anything like the month long, shriekingly painful, excruciating and exhausting contraction filled labor my wife went through – and she wasn’t even pregnant!”
So are we really such bad listeners? Obviously we are. Do we not find what other people are saying interesting? Obviously we don’t. Is there any hope for us? You bet there is, but it is fully up to ourselves to become better listeners – nobody else can help us. I’m sure that by now you have quietly tried to evaluate your own listening capabilities, taken stock as to how good of a listener you think you are. If you found that you suck, then welcome to the club and do not despair. The following might make you feel better and point you towards recovery:
My immediate family consists of my wife, our two sons and yours truly. As part of our daily routine back then, we got together at dinnertime. It was a pleasant time as we would catch up, chat and enjoy each other’s company. The ‘catch up’ and ‘enjoy’ parts were great, but it was the ‘chat’ part we had a bit of a listening problem with. Here is how and it’s still somewhat like this, but has improved a bit:
We do not even consider waiting till the other person is done with his or her sentence, statement or story. All of us have basically perfected the art of ruthlessly cutting in the very second the other person needs to take a breath. We are waiting for that certain moment of weakness, waiting to coldly intercept, waiting for that split-second kill window and then it’s: “me-me-me!” So for the talker to avoid being prematurely interrupted, we have all learned to state our opinions, tell our stories, expose our ideas - without breathing. You should try it - but please practice first, as talking without breathing is not for everyone. Compared to the above, you might actually be doing better as a listener than you thought!
Most of us were taught not to interrupt when others are talking. Obviously some of that well-meaning advice from our parents has, over the years, gone in one ear and out the other; one of the few dangers of keeping our ears open! But it is still a great social skill to follow. We should always listen more and talk less. When we do, we quickly find out how much fun it actually is to listen more. We’ll also find that more people will like us, because active talkers adore good listeners. So if you want to know a secret or two, all you have to do is close your mouth, open your ears and let patience rule.
Yes, there is of course still hope for all of us. To start improving our listening abilities, we must begin with the art of patience – simply by patiently listen. As we continue to get better at listening, the patience aspect will slowly fade, as it becomes a natural utensil in our communication toolbox. We are slowly becoming certified listeners as we begin to fully balance listening and talking. We start to experience a much richer world around us; it is all up to ourselves – nobody else can help us.
Do not get me wrong, even with all this said and done, I am still a terrible listener, but I am trying to convert. Fifteen minutes in front of the bathroom mirror every morning, practicing the “tightly closed mouth – wide open ears” exercise. I believe at this writing that I am up to about a 40% listening capability, not 25% anymore. At least I’m above average. How about you?
So to keep improving I have promised myself to keep listening more than talking, no matter how much I want to open my mouth. If I want to know a secret, my ears must stay wide open and my mouth tightly closed. I’m also working on saying: “I talked with so-and-so” instead of: “I talked to so-and-so”. There’s a big difference.
As mentioned in the beginning, most of this is not a reflection on you and me; only all the good stuff, of course. We are much more into the inter-personal form of communication, staying within the wonderful art of the fifty-fifty-way of conversing, which includes respect, concern, compassion, personal interest, love, consideration, listening, talking, asking questions and patience. That is the way we should all communicate with each other - the way we should all listen to each other. “The art of talking must always balance with the art of listening!” and that is no secret.
I’m sorry! Did you say something?
See you next Monday
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