“Me and husband just love watching TV with the kids,” added Patty Lou Rodin, who has a BS in agriculture and works for the local manure distributor. “It’s amazing how our tastes are so alike; choosing something to watch together is never a problem”.
Melvin Dabber, extremely single, continues: “Perfect for dinnertime. What could possibly be better than sucking your frozen TV-Dinner in front of: Nip ‘n Tuck – Plastic Surgeon without a License”? For more “eating while watching television”, Mr. Dabber also suggested: Obesity – Is That You? “But sometimes that show is hard to swallow!” he said giggling.
The group also concurred concerning the enormous help and support television supplies our youngsters during homework time. They agreed that the unfair academic challenges our children go through are tremendous. They have to balance learning basic academics, while listening to MP3 players – text Pitfalls High School’s entire cheerleader team (both of them) - chat on line while cradling the smart-phone between cheek and shoulder. Luckily, television comes to the salvation by blasting sensitive rap in between MTV-News about Paris Hilton - the superb buffer.
These are but a few excerpts from an utterly thorough research conducted by Dr. Pedro Steinbeck, Director of Human Fallacies, BOBS University, Downtown Paris (the one in Texas – not on Hilton). The report’s in-depth look at television today and its importance to the American society, socially and economically, involved several individuals including Dr. Steinbeck’s ex-wife, Lorelei Duke. The final report was published in January 2010 and received exceedingly positive reviews, and not only from Lorelei. Related government agencies fully agreed with the report and promised immediate action; hasn't happened yet, duh...
The weekly magazine “TV-Guide” fully embraced the report. Spokesperson Veranda Decker, (5’4” and weighing in at 92 pounds) expressed on behalf of her publication, that: “TV-Guide is finally being accepted as one of the most important publications in the country. We might soon become a more popular read than the Bible.” A veteran journalist from New York, asked Miss Decker if she recalled the misinterpreted “more popular than Jesus” statement made by John Lennon in 1966. “I’m sorry! I don’t follow football,” Ms. Decker responded - rather puzzled.
How did Dr. Steinbeck get involved? “I heard somebody utter an ignorant remark about the value of television some time back,” Dr. Steinbeck said in that cute foreign accent of his. “The statement came from the stall next to me. Somebody clearly moaned: “Do you know why television is called a ‘medium’? – It’s because it is never well done!” I repulsed violently and decided to act immediately. I flushed, zipped up and went straight back to my office; something had to be done”.
It was clear to Dr. Steinbeck that something as powerful as television, something getting so much attention from just about everybody, something so holy and grand, should not be disrespectfully drilled into the dirt by any of those bleeding-hearted hippy Liberals of the press, nor of the government. He was determined to set the record straight - once and for all.
Dr. Steinbeck also felt this research could possibly make him famous. He even went as far as thinking: “Nobel Prize is Right”. Publicly he stated (if anybody other than Lorelei wanted to listen), that he had not approached this challenge for any form of fame or fortune. (Privately though, he did hope for a possible formation of the ‘Steinbeck Groupies’, with visions of them running amok, semi clad, in his mobile home). Dr. Steinbeck challenged the issue of television because he knew “good from evil”: Television being “good” and those darn hippy Liberals being “evil”. Dr. Steinbeck strapped on his remote and went to work.
First priority: A test-group needed to be assembled. He searched for people who watched TV constantly: watched while being awake, while eating, while sleeping, while making out, while exercising, cooking, cleaning, showering, and while – no, we can’t go there. The search included people who enjoyed every program available, from “NFL Locker- Room Survivors” to “Athletic Cops” and all the way to “learning to paint from that weird white dude with the Afro”. Dr. Steinbeck found it easy to select the group, as just about every single citizen, legal or not, would be a qualified prospect.
The second action was to create a scientific name for the group. Dr. Steinbeck animatedly discarded the suggestion: “test-dummies” as a degrading, derogatory, disrespectful, unprofessional and ignorant name. After several hours of constipation, he proudly announced that the name of the group would be: "Research Dummies” (RD).
The RD, consisting of 8 members, representing two major ethnic groups (males & females), were issued an extensive questionnaire concerning TV viewing habits, level of understanding the programs, language, commercials, quality of sitcom laugh-tracks, honesty in news reporting, etc. The following are just a few excerpts from this massive research report - unedited.
COMMERCIALS:
The RD agreed that most commercials have an overwhelmingly positive affect on our society. The group put commercials into five categories: “The good ones, the somewhat good ones, the ones that are less goodder than the first two good ones, the funny ones, and the ones nobody really understands due to complicated story-lines,” (as in beer commercials).
Asked if he felt beer commercials give a true picture concerning the products and what it can do for the consumer, Bubba (actually his real name) replied:
“It’s telling me, that we all have a chance with the beer-chicks. I mean, look at those happy drinkers, the chicks with those teasing smiles, small pieces of tight spandex covering those great {censored}. After several beers, see how they even eye those of us with a bit of a weight challenge,” Bubba is holding back tears. “I mean, even I could eventually get lucky – those commercials give you such hope. I love what they are telling us.”
“Have you actually met any of those young ladies?”
“Not yet,” Bubba smiles with teethes missing “But I keep drinking. And you know what? It has been scientifically proved, that the more beer the beer-chicks chuck down, the better they think I look. And they also tell us, that the more beer we drink, the “butt-wiser” we get!” Bubba laughs loudly while we desperately try to avoid the stench from the bad joke, the beer & nut breath.
Overall, the sentiment was that good, solid, interesting, and helpful messages are being communicated to the viewers. The commercials were also marked as honest and certainly not misleading, as many of those Liberals claim. “Damn them hippies!” The group agreed.
PBS (Public Broadcasting Service):
The RD agreed, that this type of liberal propaganda, this filth and these endless quantities of falsified and misguided broadcasts, these “opera” screamers and holier than thou programs without commercials, are degrading, un-American and suspect. “And what about Sesame Street; what the hell are we telling the rug rats? You have somebody pretending to be a talking character made from fuzzy florescent remnants of used wall-to-wall carpeting, controlling it’s every move by sticking a hand up its butt? Really, it doesn’t get more disturbing and perverted than that, does it?” Pearl is the mother of six, so she would know. “And the way they are portraying that Oscar character” she continues, “like this really grouchy loser, living out of a trashcan. So where’s the problem with that? My uncle…” Pearl starts to choke up a bit.
PBS, or “Propaganda BS”, as the group renamed it, was voted a no-no for anybody to watch. The group did not find any form of value in that kind of television. Bubba said: “And they keep asking you for money. I don’t wanna pay to watch TV. No way, dude! Money’s for beer - not ballet crap and opera.”
REALITY SHOWS:
The group agreed 100% that it is so hard to believe how real these shows really are. They all became rather emotional when the talk turned towards the participants who were being eliminated. “You could just see how rejected she felt. All the others on the island hated her and you knew she was devastated when they told her to get lost. All those tears mixed with make-up running down her face. I had to reach for the TP myself. ” Shelby, an AA veteran of 22 years, smiled a bit shyly. George continued: “Yeah, she was one sad chick for sure. But it was cool how they filmed her as she walked away, into the sunset, shoulders slumping, dejected and crying; her thong hanging a bit loose, while giving us the finger. It was a sad sight; I’ll never forget it.” George reached for the TP himself.
NEWS SHOWS:
All agreed that primarily the honesty in news reporting is superb and overwhelming. No fluff, no fill, no fancy words beyond five letters. “The interpersonal communication between the anchor-people is truly amazing”, according to the RD. “You feel they are your close friends, right there, in your bedroom, telling us like it is”, Lorelei says. “And how about all those small friendly stabs at the end of the broadcast, when they make fun of each other, when they all laugh and, I mean, you can’t write stuff like that; it’s amazing. They even have fun with the weatherperson”. Dr. Steinbeck cleared his throat at this point and added: “I think the weather is better on Channel 5!” - They all looked rather puzzled.
“Doesn’t it bother you that they make jokes and laugh right after they have told you how many young Americans have died in Iraq and Afghanistan so far?” we asked. “Where?” They all answered…
Dr. Steinbeck’s research report has certainly opened the eyes of the nation. The reality for all of us, finally being able to publicly acknowledge the positive influence television has on us, as individuals and as a society (functional or not), is refreshing. We all used to feel a bit sheepish when asked if we had seen such and such show, and we always, defiantly loud, claimed that we most certainly “do not watch TV and if we did, we would most certainly not watch that show”. We all did it and admitting we did, is okay. Now we can proudly and without shame, (but maybe with a bit of nausea) say: “I watch as much TV as the rest of the country!”
By watching television, we pompously and patriotically support our country, support the United States of America, its economy and its sponsors: Nike, Budweiser, Kraft Foods, Pepsi, PantyLiners R Us, Nissan and the rest of the bunch. Are you doing your part?
Rounding out our interview, we asked Dr. Steinbeck:
“How would you describe ‘bad television’?”
“The only ‘bad television’ is the one that falls on your head!” Dr. Steinbeck might still be laughing.
Disclaimer: For security reasons, all the person’s names used in this article have been changed. For example: Lorelei Duke’s real name is Pamela Schwartz, and so on.
Update: The “Steinbeck Groupies” disbanded the very moment they ran out of beer. For the record: They only ran amok once – it was a bathroom thing. Dr. Steinbeck now lives in a previously owned mobile home in Coca Cola, Florida.
