When somebody stops and says: “Trust me on this” as they are chatting away, I get a bit suspicious, since I haven’t trusted anything he had said so far. By him stating that now is the time to actually “trust him”, I seriously don’t want to; why start because he says so? Instead I simply discard whatever else comes out of his mouth – he was a jerk anyway, so it doesn’t really matter; but you get the idea?
The noun TRUST supposedly arrived in the 13. Century, borrowed from the Old Norse (Scandinavia) word TRAUST meaning help, confidence and/or firmness (no, not as in: ‘You have a TRAUST body”, but “firmness” as being assertive). We then rolled it into something more like assured reliance on somebody, the ability, strength and truth of someone. Quite a lot of stuff and laced with vast expectations, I would say.
But today we are using this important term in a much looser fashion, where I claim that we should not. We must have a term that underlines strong confidentiality, something we can fully rely on. Too often we are using trust as a term for: I expect, I assume or I take for granted; but we don’t use any of those very often, as trust is faster to say – but let’s recognize the big difference, please.
When we look at the definition of trust within social science, the trustor must be willing to rely on the trustee, who must prove and be expected to show full trustworthiness. To whatever degree we put our trust in somebody, can include: belief, honesty, fairness, respect and confidence (to be trusted). Of course other forms of measures exist, as each of us have our own sets of standards concerning this trust thing. But across the table, no matter how you perceive trust, it is still essential that you believe that you can fully trust that other person.
We find this trust issue all around us; in families, between friends, significant others, partners, girlfriends & boyfriends, wives & husbands, business colleagues, teammates and so forth. We use the: I expect, I assume or I take for granted by saying trust in most situations and I can certainly swing with that. But then we also have the more involved upgraded sets of expectations, looming under the real use of the term trust.
How many people do we really trust? People we can depend on, rely on, who will, at all time, honor, respect and fully believe in your friendship, in your person and character? When I look around me, not that many – but that is also okay, as it is a heavy commitment.
But I think we must look at ourselves first, before passing judgment on others. I must contemplate how much I can actually trust myself and figure out to what degree I am trustworthy to the people around me. Going back in my life, it is a mixed bag. Some stuff (like, way back) I’m not proud of and though I negate thinking about those few situations so many years ago, they do pop up on occasion – I guess as a reminder and: “now Peter, don’t you remember?” is still an effective tool for me to do the right thing today – in the case of being trusted.
In a funny way, or perhaps in not so funny ways, we often take trust for granted. Our assumptions concerning trust blur the picture of what is going on, so some of our expectations are often shut out of the water, facing us with disappointments we could have avoided.
“I thought I could trust her,” he said, after she had an affair with some other guy. “I fully believed she would never break that trust…” To me, that is only a fair statement if both parties in this case knew precisely what was to be expected concerning what to trust in each other and/or within the couple they used to be. You see, he obviously lived by the I took for granted that she wouldn’t be unfaithful, where she wasn’t sure if a bit of fun on the side was breaking any trust or not – that was her interpretation; perhaps claiming a bit of ignorance?
So I find that the issue of trust (like so many other things and terms), must be outlined, understood and agreed upon before we start to play. If the above former couple had accepted a few rules before the kissing started and the relationship began, the break-up might have been avoided. “Okay, concerning that trust thing, no fooling around. We must trust that it’s just you and me, baby…” And all would have been fine – and they might have lived happily ever after – and perhaps even longer.
Of course failure of trust may be forgiven more easily if interpreted as a failure of competence of the other party, which of course underline the importance of who we trust. But when she was making out with that other guy, “failure of competence” was not a factor at all; I would assume (or trust?) But do you still think he should forgive and forget?
It is especially in the people we surround ourselves with, the ones we form unions with romantically, as well as family, friends, at work and between businesses, that we must also bond with some true trust. If we don’t, we have to solely rely on assumptions, expectations or ignorantly take things for granted. This way we are setting the stage for disappointments (or break-ups). And that is not really what we want, is it?
Yeah, I know, setting some ground rules after that fantastic first date, romantic and so, well, perfect, doesn’t make you want to sit down and chin-whack about some “future rules of trust and behavior”, huh? Nah, we feel in our silly hearts that all will be well and she would never…oops, and then she did (or he did…) and that’s when we say: “We should have hammered out some ground rules, ex-girlfriend, shouldn’t we?”
Trust is a heavy thing, it really is. But when it feels right, trusting the right people and have the people you respect and love trust you, it is not a burden to any extent. It is inspiring, so comfortable and enriching and it makes you all tingly and fuzzy inside; and isn’t that great?
I have competence, the belief that I can trust myself, my wife, kids, family and friends. I can truly trust them and I never take any of that trust for granted by assuming or expecting anything beyond that trust.
I know, this was a bit heavier than my “normal” posts, but it is something I have pondered for many years. The thing is that implementing or applying this whole trust issue is not easy, especially if we don’t consider some common directions. So instead, we leave it alone and deal with it when we are more so forced to – for the most part at the time when failure and disappointment have already popped up.
But I still prefer to fully trust somebody and if they prove my trust in them wrong, so be it – because that is also LIFE AS IT REALLY IS.
Till next Monday and I promise you a much lighter post - really
No comments:
Post a Comment