THINKING – keeping our very own secrets

One thing is what we think and say, another is what we think and then totally keep to ourselves – forever. Never thought of that, have you? It’s actually a fascinating concept, something we rarely consider; it’s just part of growing up and being human. Is this very secret world of ours bad? I don’t think so; but is that really what I’m thinking? You’ll never know, will you?

There are a lot of our thoughts, opinions, emotions and feelings that we never express. In most cases, holding back on those thoughts, are keeping us afloat and makes us fit in; diplomacy comes to mind.

We are all extremely opinionated; we have sentiments about anything, even things we don’t know much about, leaning heavily on blissful ignorance. But we still blurb out our opinions any chance we get. Then at times, we hang on to basic peacekeeping by showing consideration, kindness and diplomacy, as we don’t want to get into hot water or have anybody dislike us? No doubt many reasons why – and most of those reasons are good and kind, as they should be.

People around us have the audacity asking our opinions about this and that. In some cases I think it’s more so to test our friendship, commitment, love and likes; whatever the reason, how dare they? It’s the utterly worn out: “how do you like my new dress?” syndrome. No matter our true opinion, we respond with something that’s very diplomatic and neutral, as we do not wish to get in trouble with our dear friends, who pretty much have terrible taste as is, by the way – ha ha…

I tried this scenario many years ago, just to find out ‘truth’ among friends. I bought a shirt that was, in my opinion hideously ugly. I put it on and asked my girlfriend back then, how she liked it. I could actually hear the wheels squeak and turn inside her head – seriously. After a long while, she finally stuttered: “That is about the ugliest thing I have ever seen – but if you like it, God bless…” Nah, she didn’t say the ‘God bless’ bit – I made that one up. I was pleasantly surprised about her honesty, because it was so, well ‘honest’… She could have stuffed her true opinion into her very own secret world, but she opted for honesty – I like people like that, a lot, no matter if I agree or not. The thing is that most often, we have such a hard time handling the truth, the real truth and nothing but…

But what is our exact initial and honest reaction in those kinds of situations? I know we are primarily hit by what we REALLY feel, our immediate, initial and honest-to-goodness reaction. And then we process the diplomatic answers to fit the situation in Nano-seconds; we are grasping for a pleasing response, whenever we feel ‘honesty’ might not work too well. 

Does this make us a bad person? I don’t think so. Are we being fake, demeaning, arrogant, derogatory or anything close to that? No, I do not think so, with the reason being that there are so much passing through our brains, so much stimuli, impressions, feelings and emotions that needs sorting out in split seconds. When she asks you if you like her ‘hideous’ dress, we can’t really go: ‘can I get back to you sometime next week?’ No, we blurt out: ‘that’s so much you’ – which might be very correct and is actually a great and super universal reaction to a lot. But ‘it’s so much you’ will only momentarily get you off the hook, because she knows what you are doing, as in: you do it to me, as I do it to you.

We are confronted with so many decisions every single day. Not just what we are asking of ourselves, but all those many questions from around us, pleading our ‘honest’ opinions. Is it because we are so bloody insecure about our own taste? Is that why we, not you and I of course, have to ask our surroundings if we made a good choice or not? Don’t you wonder?

Considering my age, 70+ by now, I have enough life experience to reflect on. One of many things I have been consistent about is my attitude concerning friendships. I think overall, that I’m ‘good friend’ material. I never take my true friends for granted and do not take any friendship lightly – far from. Do I expect a lot from my relationships? Perhaps I do, or perhaps I don’t, but looking at the basics, besides compatibility, honesty and fully allowing us to be who we truly are, certainly is the very foundation of the friendships I’m in – I am very fortunate that way.

But friendships are not, must not and cannot be based on perfection, as in the ‘perfect’ friend. Your pet dog might seem like a perfect companion, but humans are a tad different, a bit more complicated - well most of us are. We all have our different sides, not perfect, and luckily not so, as perfection is overrated and rather boring, seriously. The thing about perfection is that we have no hope of improving, so where’s the fun in that?

With true friends we must be able to kid around about some of those less-than-perfect sides of us, as long as we are not vicious, rude or mean. As true friends, we must be able to understand and enjoy that attention, as being terms of endearment and nothing else. It is in those relationships that our secret world of stuff we normally won’t publicize are a lot more relaxed, as we all are on the same track concerning the truth, nothing but the truth, so help my friendship… 

We say a lot that we do not mean, by not uttering our honest reaction and/or opinions all the time. Perhaps we feel a bit bad about that, but for the most part we accept it. Diplomacy keeps the peace, and what is wrong with that? I just think it’s funny because it’s a big part of who we are - this ‘other’ image of ourselves that we are promoting by holding some secrets back – like forever. 

Yes, I can play the ‘to be honest or not to be honest’ game very well, but when it involves people I love, respect and care about, I can only play a little. I believe in true friendships and I believe that we all need and should accept what the people around us really think and feel, no matter how it might hurt our pride, opinions, feelings and emotions. We just have to deal with it, by pushing anxieties and insecurities aside. I truly trust that the truth makes us stronger, by accepting and respecting it. But if you are concerned about somebody’s honest opinion or not, please don’t bloody ask them – how simple that is, huh?

We will always have our world of inner secrets. I have mine and I keep things in there that has nothing to do with anybody else's business. If exposed, would it be devastating for some or for me? Not at all, but there are things each of us do never want to share with anybody else – ever. And we should be totally fine with that – really; I am… are you?