KNOWING ME – knowing you (aha?)

Have you ever contemplated who the heck you really are, the “real” you, deep inside? I have and rather often. I really wonder who the “real” me is, the totally honest, straight forward no-crap virgin Peter. Unfortunately I don’t think I have been able to nail me down to the naked and uncompromising truth about whom and what I really am – or perhaps I have, without recognizing it.

As we grow up in life, we learn to adjust and apply ourselves to the trillions of situations, things, people and the list is long. We express emotions and care and spread it around automatically; we mold ourselves with respect to the situations we are in. Our voices change accordingly, our body-language becomes expressive and what we say can have huge influences on somebody else, influences that are positive or negative, depending on what we say, do, when and where.

We speak in animated non-voices of ours when a baby is near. I hear her on the phone speaking with a different voice, in a type of language she never uses with me. It can be a bit higher or lower on the octave; the voice is slower or faster, etc. Both his body-language and speech changes big-time when the boss enters the room; she becomes another person when listening to rumors, and on we go. So who are we really? Knowing me – knowing you? (Optional: aha…)

And why do we get into these weird (irritating) voices when communicating with babies? Why do we go (sorry Lady Gaga) goo-goo gaga, and don’t you think that kind of communication will delay these poor babies linguistic development? For your information I never used “baby-language” with our kids as they grew up – I refused; I spoke to them in my normal voice - they seem to have survived well.

What I’m mostly concerned about is the way we so fluently can manipulate the truth in front of other people. Okay, I’m not talking blatant lies or inconsistencies, but the non-offensive niceties that make life a bit easier, avoiding confrontations, keeping relationships on track. But my repeat question: is that (also) really me?

In an earlier post about “truth” (see index) I bring up the situation where your best pal has bought a dress and ask your opinion. No matter how ugly and non-fitting this thing is, you rarely, if ever tell her your true opinion. We adjust and apply in seconds and tell her it’s so…well, ‘her’. But don’t you think she knows you are lying – I mean, she is your best friend so she would know your tastes pretty well. That she has the audacity to ask your opinion, is another question all together – how could she?

The point is that so many times 24/7 we are exposed to situations where we are doing that ‘adjust and apply’ thing, where I know that we are leaning away, in a lot of cases “far away” from who we really are – deep down. So shouldn’t I have said: “that thing is so ugly, and makes you look even fatter than you already are”? Speaking the truth as we see it, the truth coming from the ‘real’ me can be so refreshing. Unfortunately people around us don’t always appreciate the real truth, you and I included, and though we try to live by: “the truth and nothing but the truth” we would often end up in big doo doo, with no friends – so we negate the “…and nothing but…”

Does that make us bad persons? Of course not, but solely depending on how much we are NOT ourselves. But doesn’t it make you wonder who you really are? Don’t we feel a bit dishonest when we tell the hostess that the dinner was wonderful, though we felt that sewer-rats in motor-oil based gravy probably would have tasted a lot better – and then we hurl it all up the moment we get home? But we still tell the hostess how wonderful the meal was – huh?

We all have the right to our opinions, tastes and values, no matter what anybody else thinks. That I didn’t like that dinner (I was never invited back, by the way) is not something that can be used against me as the person I am – if you respect who I am, or at least who you think I am. You don’t have to agree with me or like me at all to respect my person as I respect who you are, or as I see you – really. But we still have a complicated problem (confusion?) applying this respect to people who do not expose our opinions, tastes and values – don’t you think? Aha?

We mold ourselves to fit all kinds of situations during our days (and nights), unconsciously molding ourselves away from the real ‘me’ in many to most cases. Okay, so it’s part of existing and I understand that, but wouldn’t it be better if we more so could expose the real us?

But the reality is that we would have a hard time coexisting. As we are very sensitive to our surroundings, people we love, work with, have dinner with, family, and friends and so on, the considerations we apply are vast. We take care not to hurt or (God forbid) insult anybody, or at least, as few as possible. As we all do this, it seems to work more harmoniously. But we do sacrifice who we really are, deep down, because we are not the same person at that dinner, charmingly chatting away, complimenting and reassuring, as we are at dawn the day after, morning breath and pillow-hair, still tasting the ‘rat in motor-oily gravy’, with wishes that you’ll never do that again; what a crappy time; but we still tell the hostess it was lovely.

For the most part we don’t know, we have no idea about who the real me really is; and perhaps that’s good in a way, as we might not like that person at all. I admit that at times I can be very critical, not only concerning myself, but certainly critical of other people. I can be so brutally precarious and opinionated that is shocks even me, big-time. That’s when I especially question who I am – if that is perhaps really the real me; but I hope not.

After a life of contemplating this issue, I have come to the conclusion that besides what you see is what you get, I have been very honest with myself concerning who I am. I am a mixture of the ‘adjust and apply’ and ‘being (brutally) honest’. Though I make fun of the ‘I don’t have many true friends’, it is the truth; and I am fully aware of the ‘why’ as well as I have fully adjusted to it.

I believe in honesty, the truth and (for the most part) nothing but; not saying that I have followed that path religiously as some bumps in the road of life have occurred. But I have found honesty and truth to be the way for me, though at times, that has caused disappointments, not so much for me, but from the negative reactions truth at times create.

I cannot tell you 100% who I really am – because I don’t really know 100%. But I can tell you that I am very okay with who I have been, became and who I am, for most parts of my life. I believe I have lived a life with an equal mixture of the real me and the one who is applicable – and that is so okay and the best I can come up with – friends or no friends. So maybe I should quit wondering – perhaps, and then finish ABBA’s song: Knowing me – knowing you (aha…)