PROMISES – making & breaking

A promise is closely related to expectations, as we always expect something when somebody makes us a promise. Other emotions involved are joy and disappointment, results of a promise kept or broken. Joy is easy and a relief compared to disappointment being a lot more complex. Remember that we set our own expectations, so getting disappointed is therefore our own fault. And you thought it was easy, huh?

Promises are a huge issue in our lives, as they carry not only expectations that include issues of trust, beliefs, faith, honesty, friendships, respect, hope and so forth. But the technical core concerning promises is the simple matter of either doing something or not doing something. The simplicity of promises is scary, because of the vast harm and disappointment broken promises can cause. Okay, if somebody promises you a dose of bodily harm or other nasty stuff and they break such promise, disappointment surely doesn’t apply in those cases – duh!

We hand out promises left and right and we have unfortunately gotten to the point where broken promises are part of life. We even know beforehand when it’s not going to happen as promised; doesn’t matter if we make a promise to somebody or we are being promised something by somebody. It’s a pity because what I’m concerned, a positive promise should still be a valiant and honorable effort to do something good, something right, making somebody happy – certainly not to disappoint.

Has it become a saintly deed to actually keep a promise, making it an exception to the rule? That would be sad, but unfortunately I find that to be somewhat the truth – not the saintly part, but the fact that we are perhaps breaking more promises than we keep. And it’s not just you and I, but look around – and I’m not pointing at politicians as an example, because that’s way too easy. But since you pressured me, broken promises by most politicians start with: “when I’m elected…” I told you it was too easy.

To me, in the very center of the promising land, is the way we make promises to ourselves. On a daily basis we promise ourselves to do this or not do that or whatever and it’s not only a few things we promise ourselves, it’s really a lot. And we must realize that promises we break are not good for us to any extent. We are setting ourselves up for failure again and again – and that is not what we want to do. No, it’s not that we have to say: “I promise me to do…” to make it count. “I should do…”, “I must do…” etc. are promises as well – in case you didn’t know.

We promise ourselves a lot of things daily, weekly, monthly and so forth. From exercising regularly, eating healthy, be on time, remember this and that, and clean up the garage (now in its 22+ year – the longest promise I ever made). I promise to walk the dog twice daily, shave when my wife is off work, be friendly to strangers and the list of “promises-to-myself” is utterly long.

We feel the task is half done the moment we promise ourselves that we will do it. But unfortunately that’s only an illusion, a fake security making us believe that we will actually do what we promised ourselves – but in many cases we won’t. So why do we keep making those promises?

But I have seen the light and I have found a way to never disappoint me again, simply by never promise myself anything anymore. No, Dear Reader, that doesn’t mean that I’m lying on the floor letting life pass; I simply changed the way to do things – or not do things, in the promise-department. You can thank me later…

I’m a list freak, meaning that my calendar is full of mundane and daily stuff to do, from drinking enough water to remembering birthdays, appointments and a million other things. My calendar is my third brain (assuming I have two real ones). And I even make additional daily to-do lists (where ‘freaky’ pops up again). None of this stuff is attached with any promises what-so-ever; it’s simply a list of suggestions. This is stuff I need to do whenever it fits into my daily schedule and does not interfere with my napping agenda. Following this ingenious plan, I truly avoid failures, as I eliminate disappointment by not involving promises to any extent; you should try it.

I am also in the process of changing my philosophy concerning promises to people around me; I am simply trying not to promise anything anymore. I am heading in the direction of my own mantra: “I won’t tell you what I’m going to do – instead I’ll tell you when I have done it”. That way I am helping (such a saint) people around me to forget the promising bit, and they will not be disappointed due to silly expectations they may have had otherwise. So you see, I have changed my attitude and now achieve less pain for myself and those around me – I feel like Mother Teresa…

We all want to please – it’s in our nature. I strongly believe that we all mean something to each other, and though we are selfish in so many ways, the selfishness ends the second we see an opportunity to please somebody else. Perhaps that’s a selfish thing in itself, as it makes us feel good – egotism at its best.

But though we are all so nice and want to please, we must be careful about what we promise, to whom and where. As an example, broken promises in the work-place can be devastating to us, our coworkers and careers. We must remember that a broken promise can be more damaging than we think (except for those “bodily harm” things); increase relying on each other more so would be nice – don’t you agree?

We have unfortunately gotten rather numb to the ideology of what a promise is supposed to be; consciously making promises pathetically unimportant is not cool to any extent. Broken promises chip away on how people around us perceive who we are, liking us less and relying on us even lesser. Is that what we want? Didn’t think so…

Nowadays when I have to get even close to a promise, it’s presented more like: “…I’ll attempt my utmost” (whatever that is), “I’ll try”, “should be possible, but I’m not promising anything…” etc. Yes, it might seem a bit wishy-washy with a lot of maybe and perhaps attached, but the thing is that this way I will not crush your expectations; I won’t break any promises, because I didn’t make any. Also known as “covering my buns of steel” (read: butt) – and you can quote me on that.

One of the biggest promises most of us make (and some break) in our lives, some of us several times, is the “I do” in front of friends, family, our conscience, great expectations, choice of a god or not, the caterer and perhaps a clergy-person. Due to my exceptional mantra-based philosophy, I highly suggest that we change the “I do” to “I’ll do my best”. That is a promise that cannot exceed any expectations and will therefore not disappoint. I can promise you that when this is applied, nobody will get hurt and if they do, it’s their own damn fault - Amen.