At times we do stupid things. Then we must try to
forgive ourselves and then promise not to do it again – ever. Most of the time
we crave forgiveness from somebody else; the one we have disappointed by being so
stupid. Forgiving ourselves is a piece of cake – but expecting a true forgive & forget from the person we
offended is a very tricky bit, as in: - and
good luck with that.
I agree, a bit harsh with the ‘and good luck with
that’, but ‘forgive & forget’ is a heck easier said than done. If you
believe that when somebody says: “I forgive you and I’ll forget it ever
happened” that you hear the truth and nothing but, you are sadly mistaken. No
matter how much the offended person believes it to be true, it is so far from.
We do not need to be angels, popes, rock-stars or other
godlike figures to forgive anybody, as that is the easy part of the equation –
even I can do it. “So you screwed up, but I forgive you”. See how easy that
was? But will I ever forget that you
screwed up no matter how much forgiveness I smother you with? Not in a million
years; of course if I suddenly get diagnosed with dementia, you are so totally
off the hook…
There is no psychological definition with respect to
forgive or forgiveness; yeah I know, what’s the world coming to? But studies
underline that forgiveness is an intentional and voluntary process concerning
changing ones feelings and emotions with respect to an offense, something that
hurt you, was derogatory, things that disappointed you big time and especially when
trust is broken.
When we forgive somebody, it’s with the knowledge
that an offense was committed. We decide to forgive, erase and try to rewind to where
we were before the offensive action took place; and that sounds like a good
plan to me. But will it ever be that way again? No it won’t, because when we
glue together the coffee mug that hit the floor and cracked, it will never be
the same mug. But does that mean there’s no hope in the mug ever functioning
again?
Granted, a coffee mug is one thing, even if it’s
your most favorite, and human relations are something else. A broken trust and
the deep disappointment it brings along can be hard to repair. After an offense
is committed, an apology is rushed forward. Apologies come from severe
embarrassment, confusion as to: “how could I?” and deep disappointment in
oneself (one can only hope). Forgiveness
is totally up to the offended party – but forgetting
the incident is not really a choice we have – at all; and we must be totally
clear on that.
Many years ago, back in my life in Denmark, I was
invited to a home-cooked dinner by this girl who had a ‘thing’ for me. Yeah I
know – what was wrong with her? Only kidding. She was a lovely person inside
out, but I was so much in lust with somebody else that I didn’t see it. I drove
to her house with flowers and a bottle of wine. I sat in the car and saw her
roaming around inside the house. Then I decided I couldn’t do it and drove off.
A totally ignorant and pathetic action that I still don’t understand I did, as
it was not ‘me’ at all. She had seen me and the next day she confronted me in my
office and gave me a load full – and I fully deserved it. After her justifiable
tirade I was dim enough to ask her forgiveness. Yeah, I know, rather pitiable.
She gave me the right answer: “You must be joking…” (But in Danish)…
I have never forgiven myself for this stupidity –
and I have never and will never forget about it. So many times I have wished I
could contact her and tell her how very sorry I have been for so many years.
But you know what, I can hear her laughing and spitting out: “and you should be
sorry, jerk…” and she would be right. Did I learn a valuable lesson? Of course
I did.
An apology should for the most part spark some form
of forgiveness – at least that’s the idea or just a naïve hope? We are not
looking for a divine and religious forgiveness, where it seems that we can
screw up as much as we want, break any of the Ten Commandments and still be
home-free and Heaven bound. In the real world it goes: apology, forgiveness,
forgetness and life goes on as usual… if it was only that easy, huh?
Sure I have disappointed myself and people around me
a few times in my life. But considering my age, I feel I have done okay in the
“not screwing up” department. I have experienced dis-pleasures that called for me to extend (divine?) forgiveness, but they are only vague memories needing a
bit of help to pop back up. They are not forgotten, just packed away in a far corner
of my mind - for good reasons, no doubt.
I think we should be a lot more bendable concerning
the ‘forgive & forget’. The ‘forgive’ part is the solid entity, so couldn’t
we try to be a bit more flexible concerning the ‘forget’ part? But the thing is
that we cannot forget and in some cases, perhaps we shouldn’t forget. Leaning
on the old: “if we do not learn from our
mistakes, we learn nothing”; however painful a reminder that is – Yuk.
Yes, we screw up and we know when that is and I hope
that we immediately regret what we did. Unfortunately we cannot take it back –
it’s stuck; we can do nothing about it other than try not to do it again. Life
as it really is – and as it should be.
To me it’s not so much about how we follow the ‘forgive
& forget’, but it’s much more important to concentrate on not having to rely
on the ‘forgive & forget’ at all, by not screwing up – so bloody much. But
if we do that screwing up thing, then we have to live with it as is and accept
that blemish on our record; then we go on with life, feeling a bit like a
cracked coffee mug - though still working; and perhaps even better – could be.
Egos are hurt when disappointment shows up. But let’s
try to find a bit of comfort in remembering that disappointments are based on our expectations; so in reality, it’s our own darn fault when we run
into disappointments – ha ha, a scary truth it is and not really a lot of
comfort at all, huh?
I strongly believe that when we do meet
disappointments in our lives, we can accept, work on repairing and move forward
especially when it involves important issues and people and in spite of how
much we are able to forget or not.
When the offender and the offended use apologies and
forgiveness, I see that as a renewed commitment, a continuation with the
acknowledgement that whatever happened will not happen again. I cannot see any reality
in even trying to forget what happened, no matter how many times we claim ‘all
is forgotten’; we can forgive, but we cannot forget and I’m surprisingly cool
with that – finally…
As all this is now clearly explained, I really
cannot see that we need to add: ‘…and good luck with that’, anymore – I do hope
you agree.
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