A friendship is the mutual affection and
interpersonal bond by association, between two people or many people. A close
and high quality friendship makes us a happier person, creating higher
self-esteem, confidence and security. Good friendships bring us to a better
level of social comfort. That’s all great stuff, if you ask me. And since you
are asking, I have to add the kicker: If you value your friendships, do NEVER take them for granted – please…
I’m not writing about the social media’s fluffy friendships
as I touched that subject some time back. No, this is about true friendships,
including the very-best-friend category.
For the most part, we find our true friends by
association. It can be same backgrounds, values, occupation, interests,
hobbies, education, social circles, demographics and the list can be as varied
as any combination of any friendship. But you’ll always start out by finding
something in common, something that brings you together with that one special
person.
To me, finding or running into situations that would
perhaps create a friendship, has never been easy. Early on I found that
insecurities and anxieties made me more so stick to myself; this way not taking
the risk of rejections while approaching other kids for possible friendships.
Don’t get me wrong, in spite of my former awkwardness, I have been fortunate finding
some superb friends through the years.
As a great example: Claus, a few years younger than
I is my childhood friend. Though we stopped communicating for some 20-30 years
(we are both in our sixties now) we finally connected again, and seemingly had
not missed a beat. Now we enjoy great times and laughter when I visit Claus and
his wife in Copenhagen. My friendship with Claus has always been very special
and very warm.
During the last 10 years before I left Denmark for
the USA, I was part of a group of 4 guys, very close friendships, always having
an absolute blast – really. We rarely spoke about serious stuff, but we were
more so able to see the humor in just about anything and everything – just an
absolute blast.
But then I moved away, tried to keep in contact by
mail (good old days, huh?) One of the pals tried too, but then it faded away
and then the interest died – and in retrospect, as the wiser we get, that was a
pity – it really was. But I would have been a lesser person had I not gone
through those ten years of intense friendship – I really think so.
We must never take friendships for granted, the ones
we truly believe in. Like so many other things in life, if we do not work at
it, it will fade and die – and when we let that happen, we will certainly not get
any richer in the process.
You might have your own set of values that will
create a strong friendship, what you call a true friendship. For me,
friendships must be built on trust, honesty, respect, love, faithfulness,
appreciation and here I go again: must never be taken for granted. No, Dear
Reader, we cannot expect all these saintly values packed into one or any one
friend. But it’s when we find a combination of what we respect and expect from
our friends AND from ourselves that things line up, and friendships are created.
My wife and I have friends we have known since we
met (my wife and I). Two couples, best of friends with all our kids growing up
together, not many years apart – at all. With busy lives it has always been
tough to find time to get together, and don’t get me wrong, this is not a
complaint, it’s the simple reality of our lives, family and all. But when we
get together it is wonderful, lots of fun and laughter – and every time we part,
it’s always: ‘gotta do this more often’; and we mean it.
Having friends, getting together and enjoying the
time and the stimulation rich friendships give us, cover so many emotional
needs. It makes us feel so good and utterly fortunate – no doubts about it. But
friendships can also fade away for many reasons, and perhaps reasons we don’t
understand – the worst of reasons…
At times in our lives we might find a friendship of
need, where the person or we (ourselves) have an emotional need for support,
perhaps due to anxieties, insecurities, a broken heart, a divorce, break-up or
whatever. Perhaps we open up in a different way to a person we don’t fully
know, and a person who do not fully know us. We might find support from a good listener,
and many things combined, perhaps things will get better, and perhaps a true
friendship evolves from that. But I have also found that such friendships can
also have a tendency to fade away in some cases, after all is getting better. I
was always able to accept that, no matter how confusing and sad it made me –
but at least with a feeling that perhaps I made somebody else feel better – and
that makes me feel good.
As human beings we need friendships, true
friendships. We need to associate on a deeper level, where we unite with people
around us, people who understand where we are coming from, who we are, and
people we understand well – and therefore can associate with on those deeper
levels. Those friendships do make us happier – they truly do.
My best friend in the whole world (sounding like an
excited 6-year old, while it’s actually an excited 67-year old) is my wife.
Next month we have been together 30 years – and counting. No, it has not always
been a smooth ride, as it has been a life, including kids, that has been and is
full, therefor “smooth” is not a true description. As anybody else, we have
also experienced some rough patches, but due to that ‘friendship”- thing, we
have been able to stay the course, solved issues and overcome adversities.
That’s what true friendships must also accomplish, because that is also how important a true friend is. I have never and will never take
that for granted.
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| Claus & me around 1954 |
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