BEING SHY – but being in control

As a young boy I became aware of how extremely uncomfortable I felt in the proximity of other people and how I suffered in unfamiliar situations. The label SHY was quickly stamped on my forehead, and that was pretty much how shyness was treated back then; other then: “you’ll grow out of it – eventually”. Of course being teased or ignored by your peers were just added parts that effectively helped remove self-esteem and eliminated whatever scraps of confidence you had left. Ah, those were the days, huh?

As you continue reading, please acknowledge that I am not an educated expert concerning shyness or treatment of same; nor do I claim to be one. I am only expressing opinions and thoughts, based on my experiences concerning my conditions and my solutions. So legally, this statement should cover my butt – don’t you think?

Shyness is explained as being somewhat genetic and can stem from many things: abuse, lack of family, a dominant family member and so forth. Personally, I am not sure if we fully know where shyness comes from.

I grew up with a loving mother, a father and an older brother. As I was born in 1946 (Denmark), my developing years were in the 1950’s; innocent times, really. Not a fertile breeding ground for shyness, huh?

According to social psychology, shyness as a condition is when we are overwhelmed by apprehension, the lack of comfort, awkwardness (mentally and/or physically), insecurities, self-consciousness and anxieties – just to name a few.

For the most part, shyness is brushed under the rug by those who are not shy. But for those who are shy, it is not that easy to ignore, if at all. It is overwhelming for some and it can devastatingly interfere with an otherwise well balanced life, especially in a shy person’s younger years.

If the above garden-variety shyness evolves into extreme shyness, which includes depression, social anxieties, social phobia and other nasty things, professional help is warranted – and the sooner the better.   

I never suffered from extreme shyness, but it was most certainly enough to make my life very uncomfortable and painfully so, in too many situations. I didn’t function well socially and school was agonizing in the early years. At family gatherings I clung to my Mother. My childhood buddy Claus, was the only friend I felt comfortable with. I would also experience depressions – and never figured out why I was depressed; and then one day…

I must have been around 13; now my shyness was getting in the way of meeting girls. Oh my; that pushed me over the edge. At this point, my Mother was all done and very angry watching my constant pouting, moping around, all sour and so sorry for myself, as in heavy duty self-pity. So Mother’s proverbial foot came down and hard.

“Are you going to stay boring, dull, inactive and pathetic the rest of your life or are you going to change into the person I know you can be?” Then she turned around and left me sitting there – absorbing and sobbing: “But I thought you loved me…” I whimpered; later on I realized how much she did.

I did not want to feel shy any longer. Obviously the: “you’ll grow out of it…” didn’t hold water, so waiting and hoping it would go away, was a waste of time.  As I assumed that shyness was not an illness that could be cured by a magic pill, but that it was something I would have to deal with for the rest of my life, I had to find a way to make it insignificant.

I knew my shyness was controlling me; didn’t take a genius (like me) to figure out. When something is controlling us, we can either continue to be controlled or we can get off our butts and at least make an effort switching it around. I decided to get off my butt; now it was MY turn to be in control. And that became my master-plan.

I wrote down every situation I could remember being controlled and bothered by shyness; every WHERE, WHEN and HOW much I was handicapped by it. The list was long and horrific. Then I went back and wrote down HOW I would have liked to function in those scenarios. It was an extremely sobering and eye-opening experience; then I wrote down how I felt I could change it in the future.

I quickly found that the most essential point, and biggest challenge, was the urgent need to get connected with myself. I had to face my insecurities, anxieties, awkwardness and the extremely warped self-consciousness of me, me and me. The need to acknowledge and deal with that thick and tall wall in front of me was crucial concerning any hope of breaking through to control any part of my shyness.

It was a rather interesting trip, really. I dealt with a lot of unknown emotions and factors; on the way, evil doubt showed up a bit too often. But I approached it by doing the easier parts first and built from there on. I practiced more than I theorized – there was no other way around to success; at least I thought so. Was it painful? It was the hardest and most difficult thing I have ever done in my life – seriously. Becoming more and more stubborn sure helped me along – and the prize was right.

Approaching and communicating with girls? No big deal (he tells you while his nose is growing). I wrote and rewrote and edited and spoke out in front of mirrors for hours on end. I smiled the most shaky and nervous smile ever, and gave up millions of times. And when I thought I was ready, I practiced a million times more – until the first practice run – oh, my…

She was finally alone in the schoolyard; cute as ever. I was sweating waterfalls, and if it had not been for the obvious physical shaking and the feeling that at any moment I would projectile puke, I was fine – thank you. My legs refused to move, my tongue was wrapped around my tonsils, but I was finally standing in front of her – kind of. My world exploded as she looked at me and smiled with a giggle.

“What took you so long?” she said.

“ghouedkbaobhielo” I mumbled.

“You have been staring at me for so long.” She was still smiling while I gasped for air – any air. I finally had some of my prepared script at the tip of my tongue – but not in the correct order.

“I really like you…” came out shaky – like violently so… She kept smiling and nodded her head; while I was escaping by running away, she shouted:

“Meet me after school?” At which point I was in shock, but had enough sense to nod that blushing head of mine – while running even faster, looking for a place to hide.

My master-plan suggested small steps for small successes (or small failures). My first attempt had been a giant leap for Peter; the significance of that moment was tremendous. With this surprisingly new achieved confidence, I started smiling a lot more, stopped mumbling and started talking, bit by bit; greeted my classmates, looking into their eyes – yes, even the girls.

I still prepared myself for rejections and they were plentiful. But the more I faced rejections, the better I got at dealing with them. I simply removed ME from the equation, by trying to convince myself that it was not all personal – but it was, for the most part. I kept telling myself that we learn more from our failures than we learn from our successes – I learned a lot and I learned it fast.

I started hanging around groups of kids that I had successfully avoided socializing with for years. At first they looked at me with suspicion, but I just smiled and then one day I said a few words and they looked at me with surprise, like they were saying: whatever. And on I went, adding new daring projects every single day; some days were tougher than others, but I hung in there.

When I got low and didn’t feel it worked fast enough, I thought of the years I had spent in self-pity, cowering behind my shyness - all that waste of precious time. So I worked even harder. I accepted that it was always a gamble of either shine or suck, but I was willing to take those chances by applying determination & hard work. And slowly I was reaching those goals of mine; slowly but surely.

I like the person I became; meeting me for the first time, you wouldn’t know that I’m shy – none of the people who knows me believe I am. I worked the transformation so well, that I now categorize myself as an extrovert, which is also a term used concerning shyness. The person is more so outgoing (and loud at parties – another reason I’m never invited) to cover up being shy. I talk with people everywhere and make riding elevators fun and challenging. I still straighten up a bit more when walking around other people; I have made many speeches through my life and only the first few moments are still tough, but then I’m okay; I’m constantly working on being in control of my shyness – every single day, and I will till the day I die (and perhaps longer, huh?)

I did all this and you can too, if you are shy as I am. It just takes the desire to change, hard work and willingness to accept failures as well as successes on the way; and that’s a true story.

Till next Monday