THE END – and thank you so much

About 7 years ago, May 25, 2011, I published my very first blog-post. It was titled: NO EXPLANATION NEEDED, BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAYS,  a bit disorganized, a shaky start, but anyways… And I was off and running.

I have always liked writing, getting thoughts on paper, construct sentences that made sense, or not. I look for funny and silly things, subjects, objects and playing with words. Collecting things to write about comes from what’s around us and what we have the pleasure observing on a daily basis and there is actually a lot of that stuff - constantly.

My initial reason for starting the blog was to communicate with a few friends here in the USA, our friends and family in Denmark and Sweden (where my wife and I are from originally). Being silly and optimistic in the beginning, I wrote and published posts weekly (oh, I was so young). It later changed to every other week, every month and ended with: ‘do I have to?’

I seriously believed that in the beginning I would get around 10-15 page-views (readers) per week, from three countries. I also thought that those numbers were very optimistic. As of May 25, 2018, 7 years later, the numbers were a bit different. The blog has been visited about 65,000 times, representing over 122 different countries; some I (embarrassingly) did not even know existed.

I have published new posts about 173 times, including all kinds of subjects. The most visited post by far is: SPEEDOS & THONGS – not a lot of cover up. One of my personal favorites is: ABBREVIATIONS – the long version. But there are actually many more that I do like. You see, back in the days I would rarely read what I had written (before the blog-thing). I always found too many ‘negative’ things, bad sentences, paragraphs, subject matters mishandled, etc. But as I tried my utmost with the posts the last 7 years, I found that to me, they are all very readable. Sure it sounds big-headed, but so what, huh?

When I retired some years back, I wanted to write a blog, which I did – duh! I wanted to write and publish a book, which I did – twice. And I wanted to learn how to (really) play a musical keyboard; okay, so I’m still working on that.

But now I’m moving on without the blog-writing and I am already fine with that. Though things around me constantly inspire comments, what really has inspired me the most these last 7 years of blog-writing are the many readers and the many responses and comments from a lot of you. I sharpened my pencils (metaphorically speaking, of course) again and again, as I worked hard not to disappoint myself and especially the readers, of course, even more so. Your interest has been mind-boggling and the page-views, quantity of readers from so many countries, will forever and perhaps even longer, be a mystery to me, but so appreciated.

And now what? I am working on two books, one where I really like the main character and like where the story is going. I don’t think I’ll ever publish it, but it’s interesting writing for me. The other book is my (massive and not always successful) attempt to write a ‘humorous’ novel. That is the most frustrating and horrible thing I have ever tried to write. I find that writing ‘fun stuff’, as I want it to be consistently ‘funny’, is not an easy task. I am of course also very critical of that kind of writing, which is not a big help (sigh)…

So again, thank you so much for reading and following my blog LIFE AS IT REALLY IS. It has been a huge pleasure for me to write for that blog the last 7 years. 

Remember that the blog will continue to be up and running and you can always come back, go through the INDEX and find something that might amuse you for a few minutes. At times, that is all we need, a few smiles and several giggles; and that was precisely what I aimed at, some 7 years ago.

Take care and keep reading – anything…

Peter B. Steiness (now former BlogHead)

BLAME GAME – we all play it, more or less

When we stumble, we automatically blame the rock, the sidewalk or whatever. It’s an immediate and always very quick reaction. But instead, we should blame ourselves for being clumsy or intoxicated (ha ha), as we obviously didn’t pay attention. When we do distribute blame, we must more so be fair and not so fast; that’s a much better rule, don’t you think?

We are blaming too many things and people for our own mistakes, failures, faults and mishaps, and at times what and who we blame, is simply silly, at times idiotic and for the most part pathetic, as it makes no common sense; most of us play this game, but hopefully shame-blushing is a big part of that process (sigh).

Blame is the act of applying censoring or responsibility, by making negative statements about an individual or group, that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible, with the opposite being that of praise. But for the most part, we also blame things for our missteps. And that makes no sense at all.

When someone is morally responsible for doing something wrong, their action would be called blameworthy. By contrast, when someone is morally responsible for doing something right, we may say that his or her action is praiseworthy. But that is dipping in a bit deep, as the type of blame we dish out daily (for most of us) is something we understand much better, but that we use way too freely.

A white dude from Norway, no doubt (used as a metaphor) cuts in front of me on the freeway; I curse him for being stupid, but at the same time I include all white dudes from Norway (still used as a metaphor) and to make it even easier, I blame the whole nation of Norway for driving like idiots. Generalizations are quick and effective, but pathetic, stupid and most certainly very unfair.

I seriously do not know why we use ‘blame-somebody-or-something-else’ so much; are we really so ignorant (obviously) that we cannot acknowledge and accept whose fault it really is, who we really should blame for our own doing and misfortune; blame ourselves and we’ll most certainly learn something valuable in the process, like not to do that thing again? And do we really feel better (fully justified) when we ignorantly and consistently divert responsibility for stuff that are truly based on our own wrong-doings? The thing is that when we do not admit responsibility for our own actions, it really weakens us. It does not make us look stronger to any extent, only (pathetically) weaker. That’s an image we do not want, is it?

Back in the days, one of the first couple of things I always advised the people I worked with was: always tell it like it is (as in: no lying). Dealing with the truth is much more effective as well as progressive. And the other was: take responsibility for all your actions (as in: don’t blame…). I found early on that when the ‘playing-field’ was obvious for everybody, being forthcoming was easy, and reaching our goals took less time and was more fun and effective.

Sure it’s easy to blame all Norwegians (I poke fun of them because they are so rich – how dare they?) for this single dude’s awful driving. But when I dissect it, I find that I should have slowed down a bit and let him (and the entire Norwegian nation) into my lane, proving yet again what a nice guy I really am. Problem and anxieties solved instantly – and I will still be thinking kindly of the Norwegians, no matter how much money they have (sigh).

I have always been driving defensively; told our kids to do the same. I find that I’m in much better control – and I like being in control in traffic. Taking deep breaths and relax accordingly is the way to go; blame problem solved.

Shouldn’t we feel silly when we stumble over a piece of root on the hiking trail, and then put the blame on California forestry as a whole? Like the root suddenly jumped up and tripped us – I thought it did; didn’t you see it, huh?

Next time you are in a (hopefully minor) mishap, observe who and what you initially blame; but especially observe, how quickly the blame-pointing pops up – as in ‘very fast’. Then take that deep breath and distribute the blame to its rightful owner, namely and for the most part, ourselves. I know it’s much better that way, as the root we just tripped over learns absolutely nothing from being blamed, but the very moment we apply blame on ourselves, we immediately learn to pay better attention and lift our feet a bit more, while hiking on a ‘rooted’ trail – a much better solution.

Conceding when we make mistakes in life, stumble over roots, hitting our heads not bending down, burning our fingers on the stove and the list has millions (unfortunately) of blame-worthy things we do, is the way to go. It makes us feel much more in control and again, we learn so much more that way, about how to avoid this mishap in the future. As kids we had to stick a finger into a candle flame, in spite of the warnings from our parents. Sure it hurt, but that was a lifetime learning experience, as we (hopefully) didn’t do that again ever; but do we still blame our parents? And that is actually how all these blame-incidents work. Blaming something (silly) or somebody (even sillier) teaches us nothing; applying same blame to ourselves teaches us a lot – and we never get tired of learning stuff, do we?

I truly thought that the above issue was only related to human beings (like us), until I saw this posted on Facebook. Click, learn something and be amazed:

 Animals do it too (really?)

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS – an A for effort

Making New Year resolutions takes a bit of time, while breaking them, is a piece of cake – that seems to be the universal pattern. For most of us, our proverbial mantra is: January first, my life shall change forever – or longer. And then we create this long list of how we can and will improve and change; we can at least give that part an A for effort; but then what?

New Year Resolutions are as old as the beginning of Homo sapiens (as in early man, woman, child, small dogs and cute bunnies named Fluffy). Though I wasn’t around at the time, I can only trust that we have always had this urge to do better, keep moving forward and improve ourselves. That’s why we have sliced bread, smart-phones and flushing toilets. For the most part we let other Homo sapiens do the heavy lifting, though most of us ‘normal’ sapiens are involved in that process constantly, one way or another. But one thing we all do before the start of a new year, is getting a list together concerning how we would like to improve our own lives, make things better and enhance the world around us the next twelve months; and that is so cool - don’t you think?

Options are that we can either announce our resolutions to everybody, which is pathetically stupid; does accountability ring a bell? Or we can write them on a secret piece of paper, carve them in stone as Moses did or simply keep them stored between our ears, risk-free. Whatever choice, we all participate on some level; yes, even you, sitting there rolling your eyes and shaking your head.

Resolutions (the act of solving or determine) are made to improve ourselves, and that is where it all starts. The better we feel about ourselves, the better we get along with the people around us. Feeling good about ourselves first, makes the proverbial ball roll in the right direction.

The New Year Resolution is the Mother of All Resolutions. It’s where we aim big, and way big for the most part: I will lose 164 pounds (and I need to), build a 2 story summer-residence using only home-baked bricks, learn six Chinese dialects and find the true cure for hiccups. Even extreme effort will not help you with that list, but I’ll still respect you for trying; the proverbial ‘effort’ thing – really.

Hiding under the skirts of the Mother of All Resolutions we should perhaps set lesser goals, lower the bar (hem?) to reach success; I can swing with that. So instead of just one huge unattainable “gee, I-really-want-to” challenge, why don’t we just split this resolution thing up in 365 equal parts (that’s pretty much one mini resolution every day for a year, huh?) It all adds up…

You might want to make the legendary beauty pageant wish: PEACE ON EARTH your main focus. This wish is always expressed with the naïve hope that it might actually happen (yeah, and good luck with that); they make it sound like a Piece of Cake to achieve Peace on Earth. But a solution to this is actually right in front of us. Peace on Earth starts with you and me. When we have peace within ourselves, it will spread to our spouses, children, family, bunnies named Fluffy, neighbors, the tax-collector and then one day we finally achieve true PEACE ON EARTH – it could happen; at least we should do our best to make it happen; are you with me on that? Mini resolutions is the answer.

Give yourself a few minutes in the morning to make sure that you plan something to improve your day, to improve yourself and build a bit more foundation for your future, your happiness, whatever it is you are seeking (as long as it doesn't involve action by the judicial system or the police). In the evening you take a few minutes to go over what you did that day and especially how it made you feel. Daily resolutions are the way to succeed as you reach immediate goals that will satisfy you instantly; Piece of Cake, really. Now go do it…

Last year I called my resolutions: The Ten Demmandments of Peter. No, gentle reader this is personal stuff, so there. But I did do an addendum: BE HAPPIER & BE NICER. That is not to say that I’m not happy or that I’m a crappy person to be around, it’s just a reminder that no matter how happy or how nice I am, I can always do better – we can ALL do better; plenty of room to improve.

New Year Resolutions are great, they really are. The reason is that we have at least acknowledged and therefor determined that we want to improve, whatever that improvement involves. We are telling ourselves that we can actually do better and that admission in itself is golden; makes you feel good, fluffy and giggly inside, doesn’t it?

Some resolutions die fast: ‘Cut down on alcohol intake, less swearing and don’t eat so much’, normally falter around 4:30 pm January 1 - in my case; but I still get an A for effort. Okay a bit extreme, as it is not totally true. We should learn to set goals we can and want to reach, and by applying a constant extra effort, it soon becomes no effort at all – and we are on our way to success. The more we work towards our goals and successes, the easier it gets.  By December 31, 365 days later, we realize that we did improve our lives, we did move forward. If that was just a few small steps or that 164 pounds of weight loss we aimed at (and good luck with that), whatever size of improvement, we are adding up the successes and are of course encouraged to do it again – next January first.

Peace on Earth would be heaven, really; the cure for cancer likewise and the list is long. To make it all happen, consider how important those New Year Resolutions you make for yourself are for the world around you. When we all do our share, who knows what will happen? And don’t fret about not living up to all your resolutions, remember instead that you did try your best and that in itself is a huge A for effort, it seriously is.

A VERY HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS 2018

TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES

And so many thanks for reading – really

Now over 65,000 readers from over 122 countries

I have no clue why, though that is not important (sigh)

SEXUAL HARASSMENT – is it the end of compliments?

About 6 years ago, I wrote a piece titled ‘COMPLIMENTS – if you dare anymore’. With today’s massive volume of sexual harassment suits and allegations, that piece was so way ahead of its time (bravo, Peter); but seriously, I had hoped it would not morph into all this. Don’t get me wrong, because I have always been against any form of harassment and bullying, what-so-ever, as I find it degrading, belittling, pathetic, arrogant, ignorant and utterly disrespectful, no matter the genders involved. I find it fantastic that the victims are finally coming forward, are finally acknowledging the physical and mental abuse that is and will always be so very wrong; it’s time that we all recognize this serious issue and it’s time to do something about it, by making sure that prevention and punishment will be pursued and applied. Part of the downside is, that this might be the end of compliments the way we knew them, advising us to be very cautious in the future – extremely cautious indeed (sigh)…

Here is the full blog-post from about 6 years ago, slightly edited: 

COMPLIMENTS – if you dare anymore

She looked radiant and beautiful; her full smile and energetic walk made everybody look. He was in a good mood – life was grand. As they passed each other he smiled at her, and then made a huge mistake; one he would regret for the rest of his life – and perhaps even longer.

“You look fantastic this morning,” he said cheerfully and honest - immediately her face spelled horror. Moments after, he was forcefully nailed to the sidewalk by six sweaty SHAT members (Sexual Harassment Attack Team), cuffed, mug-shut, fingerprinted, DNA’d and thrown to the floor in dark solitary confinement.

“What did I do? Why am I here?” His screams echoed off the dungeon’s wet walls. The grimy, hairy and perspiring guard spat out: “You gave that innocent woman a compliment; you sleazy, demented pervert”.

Back in the good old days she would have smiled at him and said “Thank you…” and felt even better about herself the rest of the day. So where did we screw up? Why can’t we more freely give compliments without creating suspicion of vile thoughts, sex and intentions? What happened to those good old days?

I’m a compliment giver; have been all my life. When I see somebody, male or female whom I appreciate, that being looks, what they wear, what they say, how they carry themselves, etc. I often make a positive comment, also known as the now dreaded compliment. These comments have for the most part been met with smiles and thank yous. But it has gotten harder to give a compliment today without creating suspicion concerning intend. Don’t you think that’s sad?

I’m starting to get this adorable grandfather look, so women should feel safe when I compliment them (obviously they don’t know what’s behind the facade – giggle, giggle), but some are still very cautious and defensive. A while back I complimented a young woman at the fitness club for her energetic floor exercises and the encouraging energy. She looked at me with disturbed eyes and couldn’t get away fast enough. Didn’t even say thank you or scream: Dirty old perverted man alert. Since then, she has successfully avoided me; and we used to be on good morning terms. I know I’m good at phrasing compliments, so I don’t know why she reacted that way and that is really sad, because I meant well. Just for clarification: I didn’t walk up to her and said: “Hey Toots, great stuff on the floor – your place or my car?” I had been kind, polite and adorably grandfather like.

I’m an overall nice guy (ask my wife); I do not look like a drooling sleazebagish sexual predator; I look rather safe. But I am afraid that looks don’t count anymore, as we are constantly being warned about those immoral wolves-in-sheep’s-clothing. Yeah, I even had mothers pull their children away from my compliments, like the next thing I was going to do was stick them in my van and race away (I don’t even have a van – go figure).

I’m pretty much a rebel without a clue, but with an obvious death-wish hanging over me, as I insist continuing to do the compliment bit. I like making people smile; innocent and positive compliments do that. Okay, not if you approach a woman with: “nice set of tits, toots”, as there are so many other great things we can see in each other, things we as fellow human beings should have the right to acknowledge out loud, while making somebody feel good about themselves in the process – doesn’t that sound like a win/win to you?

I find that pregnant women look absolutely fabulous, I really do. No, stop the perverted sniggering; it has nothing to do with that. Some years back, I saw a highly pregnant woman who looked like she was going to break water right in front of me. She seemed tired of herself and her bloated condition. I smiled my comfy smile and said: “You look so radiant” because to me she did; just four simple words. She immediately broke into tears, smiled at me and said: “That’s what I have needed to hear all day…” As simple as it was, as powerful as it was. But today we have to be very careful about how, who and where we do that compliment thing - unfortunately.

As I spread compliments equally, I have found that men react different than women; they appreciate the compliment, but with a ton of surprise and a lot of suspicion in the thank you, Dude. Women tend to be more flattered. Either way, compliments create good moments with a lot of positive reactions.

I like being complimented, but I’m not even close to be as good at receiving as I am at giving. Once I was sitting waiting for a flight departure, when an older woman (older, meaning older than I), approached me and semi nervously asked: “Are you an actor?” I looked up and smiled that charming smile of mine: “No I’m not; but it’s a common mistake as many think I’m George Clooney – want my autograph anyway?” I did not know older women could flip that center finger like that, rheumatoid arthritis and all – good job.

I believe we all need to be reminded when we shine and not just from looking at ourselves in a mirror. When my wife compliments me, I feel thankful and I feel good. When somebody tells you that your dress looks fabulous (except if it’s your husband wearing that new Halston of yours), it pumps a bit of happy into you. When we are having a shitty day and somebody is asking for that great smile we normally flash around, the day gets less shitty. So I cannot see why we must be so suspicious concerning the intent when we give and receive compliments, especially because somebody saw something in us, something positive, and then took the time (silly dare-devils?) to tell us. What's wrong with that? Nothing what-so-ever. Don't you agree?

Don’t be too scared off giving compliments, as it is still a positive and good thing for both the one giving and the one receiving; but be careful - please be very careful. At times I forget to give out compliments, but most times I make an effort to give out at least two compliments daily, including holding a door open for somebody, or try to smile more; you know, nice stuff like that. I did mention ‘be careful’, huh?

PS. Remember, just smiling at somebody is a compliment – and smiling we are all really good at. It’s how we acknowledge and show appreciation for people we pass during the day; it’s the nice to see you greeting – and we do care, don’t we? I seriously hope so… As far as I know, smiling has not (yet?) been categorized as a form of sexual harassment – so until then, please smile away… Oh, remember that smiling is great, but smiling with excessive drooling, can be taken a bit wrong – just so you know…

SANTA ROSA BURNED: rebuild we will

Sunday October 8^th, 2017 was a very good day. My wife had been visiting family and friends in Sweden for a couple of weeks and would finally return Monday. I’d shopped groceries, cleaned house, found some nice flowers and was ready for her arrival, for us being together again. I function well by myself, but with my wife around, I do function a lot better; that’s how it should be, don’t you agree? I went to bed around 9pm feeling very good and was looking forward to that initial hug & kiss, picking her up in Oakland International Airport. At least, that was the plan…

Around 1:00am I was awoken by stuff on our deck tumbling around loudly. First I thought somebody was out there, but then a realized it was the wind; I had never heard it so violent before - ever. I grabbed a flashlight and opened the door to the backyard. The wind was hurling around in a horrendous way – and then I smelled the intense smoke; but from where?

I went outside the front of the house. The streetlights were off; very weird. Looking around the cloud-covered sky, I saw a reddish hue when looking north-east. Then I realized that it was not reflecting on low clouds, it was reflecting against a thick layer of smoke – what was going on?

Back in the house, I woke up our son, who is staying with us for the time being and gave a short estimation of what was going on. Then my wife called unexpected; it was now around 1:30. She was sitting in the airport near Stockholm, waiting to board her flight home. With a shaky voice she told me that she had just gotten an emergency message on her mobile that said that our neighborhood and a larger part of Santa Rosa was being evacuated and we were all asked to leave immediately, ‘due to fire’. It stunned me, as the thought of ever being evacuated for anything other than a possible earthquake, was so foreign; the ignorant ‘never here / never us’ syndrome. Then the phone went dead, as well as all the lights and everything else electrical – total darkness.

Besides the vicious sounding wind, the sirens of many emergency vehicles came through; so many loud explosions in the horizon, which I guessed would be propane-tanks, perhaps – what a war-zone would sound like, I could only imagine. It smelled like, looked like, felt like and sounded like parts of Santa Rosa and beyond was burning. It was not just a terrible nightmare or a bad movie, as it all too quickly became an extreme reality.
   

With a flashlight I walked down to the corner and one of our neighbors came out. “What the hell is happening?” we both asked. Then we continued to one of the major roads going through our neighborhood. Cars in long lines were heading west, away from what we guessed was a fire – but how big, how vast, how devastating? We didn’t know, but later it was clear that this was some unreal, surreal, horrendous and horrific disaster – so unimaginable.

I hurried back to the house, packed a few essentials, grabbed my mobile and charger, wallet as well as documents and passports from our (so-called) fire-safe. My son ran around and did the same; we stuffed the dog and the cat into the car – the cat was not cooperating very well. We both gave the house a last look, still totally in a daze and confused, as we had no idea what was really going on. The only thing we knew for sure was that this was all eerie and utterly surreal.

We backed out of the driveway and took off, acknowledging neighbors evacuating as well. We waved and called out: ‘we are going to be okay…’ more as a feeble wish and hope, having absolutely no idea what the next many hours and days would bring.

We slowly made it to Fulton Road and found it overloaded with traffic heading south; side by side on a one lane road; everybody fleeing the reddish hue in the sky. Nothing was heading north. We decided to park in front of our local super-market about a mile from home, facing north-east. The big parking-lot filled up fast. Were we far enough away from whatever it was that was burning?

It was around 2:30am by now. My son and the pets were in the backseat, with the pets finally settling down; I had yet to settle down, as I kept staring at the sky that got more and more red. I listened to some of the conversations going on around the cars parked next to us: ‘Many fires in the Coffey Park area… Fountaingrove is gone…’ both just a few miles from our house. ‘We saw a lot of houses burning as we fled…’, ‘I’m not sure our house will make it…’

I rolled up the windows and tried desperately to grasp the reality of all this – could it really be or what was going on? I kept staring at the red sky. After a couple of hours I thought it was becoming less red, or was it just something I imagined, something I hoped for?

At around 7:30am my anxieties got the better of me and told my son that we’d head home. I wanted to know if our house was standing or not. As we turned into our neighborhood I realized the masses of ashes, large pieces of burnt paper and debris falling from the sky. It was still eerily dark, utterly windy and the streets were empty and smoky, very smoky. Only a few cars were left behind by fleeing evacuees. I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing or not; finally, our house seemed okay.

Down the street two of our neighbors were talking; one of them, a retired fire-chief. ‘You didn’t evacuate?’ He shook his head and explained several things about what he saw in the reddish sky, what he could hear and the kind of neighborhood we live in - the firefighters view. He also told me that most evacuations are not mandatory. I felt slightly better, but still in a daze. ‘If things turn bad, would you come and knock on our door, please?’  He nodded and I went home. Before I went inside, I turned the car around, just in case we needed a fast get-away.

No electricity and no gas, there were not many things to do. I tried reading, but it didn’t work – my thoughts were elsewhere. Then I figured that there could still be some hot water left in the water heater, so I took a shower; weird, but I did. Not that it made me feel much better.

From the very start of this horrific morning, we communicated with friends and family, here and in Europe. Our younger son and his wife, living near Sacramento, were following all they could from continuous TV broadcasts. ‘We are okay’ was our message and told them where and what. Our daughter-in-law’s parents lived in Coffey Park and I had texted them earlier. Now they answered that they did not think their house had survived – their home of 29 years burned to the ground that morning, Monday October 9, 2017. It was one of so many many hundreds of homes that went up in flames in Coffey Park and in Fountaingrove, the two hardest hit areas around Santa Rosa. Thousands of other homes and structures in our county (Sonoma) and in several neighboring counties were ravaged by this incredibly devastating fire-storm.

PS: As of today 3,963 residents/homes were lost in Sonoma. 7,776 were partial losses or damaged; estimated total loss around $3 billion. All fires (14 or so) are by today at 100% containment; an incredible job by all first responders.

At noon I left for the airport to pick up my wife. I left in good time, because we had learned, that it was not only the north-east part of Santa Rosa that was burning. Many other areas around our city had been hit and the firefighting was fierce and the many fires were totally out of control as the winds constantly changed direction. I figured a lot of traffic going south so I left early.

My wife had boarded the plane in Sweden, not knowing what was going on, with us, the city, the county and the fire; sitting on the plane for 11 hours of anxiety ridden confusion and angst. When we finally reunited, it was with relief, which quickly turned into sadness as soon as I brought her up to date with what was going on, what was happening to our friends and family. We acknowledged that at least we were safe for now; but that turned utterly unimportant, fast…

Sure we have all been affected by this horrific devastation, this unbelievable wild firestorm, but not to any degree as the thousands of people who lost their homes and business’; something that will take a very long time to deal with.

Our daughter-in-law’s childhood home, her parent’s house burnt to the ground; her grandparent’s house gone. A friend of mine built a beautiful home himself 30 some years ago; burnt down in less than an hour. When my wife went back to work the following Wednesday after she returned from Sweden, she was told that over 120 of her colleagues had lost their homes – and the many stories have no end.

In all fires 41 have died and many more were missing at some point; the ‘missing’ number is now down to 19 - but still.

I cannot comprehend the devastation; cannot fathom the realism of this unbelievable loss. I had to see some of it myself. I tried to understand why I wanted to see it. No, it was not by morbid curiosity, but to better grasp what the hell it is, what it was and then what? It affected me stronger than anything I have faced before in my life. What the hell happened?

My wife called me from work early Wednesday and though I felt safe in our home, still no electricity or gas (who would have the audacity to even care, all compared?) she wanted our son and me to evacuate, yet again – and fast. That’s what she would feel comfortable with, so that’s what we did. We packed up and drove down to friends south of San Francisco, pets and all. After a couple of workdays at the hospital, staying with friends in a safer part of Santa Rosa for sleep and shower, my wife finally joined us.

Friday evening we received a message that we were allowed back into our neighborhood, this time ‘legally’. I told everybody that I wanted to leave early Saturday morning – I felt an urge to get home; I needed to get back – perhaps I could help, whatever... 

REBUILD WE WILL 

Our story is just one of thousands. We were so lucky that we were not hit. Our story is so insignificant compared to the thousands of people who were not that lucky. I feel ‘survivors-guilt’, as in: why not us? I’m told that it’s rather normal to feel that way – never-the-less.

Driving around Santa Rosa today, constant reminders of this nightmare is seen in burned down structures, charred grass and road-blocks everywhere. We also see huge signs hanging off the freeway bridges: ‘The love in the air is thicker than the smoke’, ‘Thanks to all the first-responders – you are our heroes’, ‘From the ashes we will rise’, ‘Sonoma Strong’... Have we already started to adjust, started to repair, already moved forward to rebuild? I truly trust that we have and that we do.

I have always had the greatest confidence in our ability to adjust to any and most situations of hardship and change. Looking around today, I acknowledge that my trust had not been broken. There is a sense floating around that we will not let this fire-storm win, as it seems to me that it has become very personal, however silly that might sound.

A friend I had communicated with during all this (his house barely escaped) called me Thursday morning; he’s a retired contractor. We have worked together on a couple of major projects on our house, me being the grunt-worker. We had a lot of fun, besides being very efficient with the work we did. He had already received several calls from former clients who had lost their homes – requests for rebuilding; bringing him out of retirement, because he felt that he could not sit there with all his knowledge, his skills and experience, when so many homes had vanished. I signed up immediately as a possible grunt-worker, as I felt that perhaps in some minuscule (naïve) way I could help Santa Rosa get back on its feet, back to the new normal.

Again, my story is just one in thousands – and we were part of the lucky ones. Contemplating the horrific days and nights of this horrendous fire-storm and the devastation it brought along to so many thousands of people, I try to find some reality and a bit of sense to it all. But for the most part I draw blanks, though a few things have come out of this, at least for me.

I have never been one to take things for granted. I have always acknowledged how lucky I have been in life, in the past and present. But I have now realized more than ever that I have slacked concerning the ‘taking for granted’ thing. I had become arrogant, expecting things this and that. But this devastation underlined, that taking things for granted in such a blasé way, is not cool at all; so I am even more thankful now than I’ve ever been.

The rebuilding has begun. People are gathering around, all behind moving forward. Donations of all sorts poured in immediately and soon signs of ‘no more donations, please’ showed up. As of today, approximately 25,000 individuals have donated about $16 million to the victims of the fire. Santa Rosa City has set up programs to help out. The State of California will clean up the debris and hazardous materials from the burnt down structures at no cost; clean up that must be done before rebuilding can begin; and the list is very long.

The human spirit is unique, as we seem to have the urge to move forward, to adjust, after dealing with life-changing events. I think that is one of our most valuable traits. We don’t just sit there and accept defeat; no, we get up and fight back. Of course this is all easy for me to say – now sitting in my home, just feeling some ‘survivor’s guilt’, but I am very ready to help rebuilding when called upon.

Again, all this is not about me to any extent – it’s all about the many thousands who do not sit at home, the thousands of families who now have to adjust and rebuild. I have no idea how they are feeling – but I know that Santa Rosa will rebuild, no doubts about that; have already started. Perhaps becoming an even stronger community? That wouldn’t surprise me at all. 

SANTA ROSA: REBUILDING WE ARE 

PS: To get some kind of sense of the enormity of the destruction around Santa Rosa, our county and the affected surrounding counties, here is a link that marks all the homes and structures burned to the ground as well as the structures that were damaged. You can move the map around, zoom in and out by scrolling; you get the idea. Studying this map, you quickly acknowledge the atrociousness of this fire-storm.   Under ‘Bookmarks’ you can go to specific areas and fires (by name)… It’s an eerie map to look at – as it is all too real, every single dot telling a horrific story…

Click here: MAP

FAILURE – a big part of success

We all fear failure; it’s a basic human emotion. But we really shouldn’t. Sure we don’t like to screw-up or make mistakes, as it deflates our self-esteem, inflates our insecurities and even more importantly, embarrass the heck out of us. But we really shouldn’t be afraid to fail, as failure is actually a really big part of success and progress – it truly is. So when we do fail, we should not respond with: ‘Oh crap, how stupid was that (failure)’ while trying to crawl under the nearest rock. Instead we must respond with: ‘Now what can I learn from this, so I never do it again, ever.’ That’s the only positive way to handle failures, which makes them into something that helps us progress in life, instead of dragging us down and holding us back; it really is a big part of our way to success.

When you ask yourself if you learn more from the success you have, or from the failures you encounter, I’m positive that you’ll find that much more knowledge and experience is gained from what you did wrong, than from what you did right. And please remember, that the embarrassment we do feel when we fail should be made extremely brief, as our minds must now fully concentrate on what we have just learned, and how we can apply that new-found knowledge to moving forward.

To help us along, let’s be clear of one very important point: For the most part we fail by being ignorant, from not knowing any better. This is neither a derogatory nor a demeaning statement, as most of our failures are based on the fact that we simply had no idea of what would happen, what the outcome would be, if we did this or that.

So when we stuck a finger into the burning candle, we weren’t aware that it would hurt like hell, no matter how many times mom told us it would – a lot. We just ignorantly did it anyway and quickly, rather painfully so, learned something valuable and that was that we should (probably?) never do that again. We had learned with the help of pain and mom repeating: ‘but I told you so’, strapping band aid on your finger, while rolling her eyes.

As our two boys grew up and had their mishaps, I rarely got angry when that happened, as they were kids and they were just learning the basics – the same way their parents had. So when the ‘proverbial’ vase hit the floor, I asked them if they had done it on purpose, and the ‘proverbial’ answer was always ‘no’ (duh). Of course we talked about how it had happened, as to learn not to make that happen again – learning from their failures.

For the most part we don’t try to fail on purpose, we really don’t. It’s more like: ‘oh crap, that was stupid’. We know what we did wrong and just as quickly we write a mental note never to do it that way again – we have learned something positive, burned fingers and hurt egos.

Ignorant failures or failures stemming from ignorance are kind of acceptable, but of course somewhat depending on the gravity of the situation. Failures from stupidity, as in ‘I know this might not work, based on blah, blah, blah… but I’ll try it anyway’, is not the smartest thing to do. In those cases, we are quickly being judged by our surroundings as being, well ‘stupid’. Some of those stupidities do have giggle factors when we tell ourselves that I am NOT EVER going to do that again – how could I? But perhaps we end up doing it again anyway, which is ignorance at its very best.

Most failures or actions marked ‘failure’, also comes from lack of anticipation. We don’t expect anything bad to happen if we do this or that; the old law of thinking before doing. It’s like being naïve crossing the freeway with our eyes closed, hoping nothing bad will happen. This applies to the perception of our actions: do we fully understand what the result might be if we do this or that?

When I started being utterly interested in girls back in the days (14, I think), and I wanted to chat with Jytte, as she was about as hot as could be (and I was not), I totally feared failure in my pursuit of her. Before Jytte even knew I existed, I had already accepted defeat, so why even bother, why even try – a solid strategy, huh? Well, it was solid for this kid with no experience in these matters; no failures and no successes, because I had never even tried.

This was of course before I acknowledged that it was not a disaster to fail, this attitude in spite of my sweet mother’s advice, that when we fall down, it’s only bad, if we don’t get up. But I only saw horrific embarrassment and the ridicule from my peers, marking me for the rest of my miserable life – and perhaps longer.

The perception of sure-fire failure was etched into my forehead for all to see. If Jytte had at least acknowledged I was alive, would have brought me much closer to heaven. So I looked at all the angles concerning any form of communication with her, while sweating in really weird places, stuttering animal like sounds, whenever Jytte was in the same postal area, but nothing came up; and then, all of a sudden things changed.

The teacher assigned pairs of students to do whatever task; can’t remember. What would the odds be for Jytte & Peter? About 1 in 60 trillion, and that being on a good day, but it was Jytte & Peter. We walked down the hall to do whatever, all silent and with me profusely nervous, while my throat tied a complicated knot, eliminating any form of speech possibilities.

  

“So what’s wrong with you, Peter?” I was stunned; she actually knew my name. The knot was in the way, of course, so I couldn’t answer. “I always wondered why you haven’t talked to me. You have been circling around me for so long, stalking me; but never talked to me…don’t you like me?”

Jytte and I was an item for two wonderful years. We were inseparable; she was intelligent, utterly funny and rather sophisticated for someone at age 14. When she moved to another part of Denmark, we lost contact. I often thought about what my life would have been like if Jytte hadn’t moved.

After Jytte, I chanced ‘failure’ with a much better attitude; if I didn’t at least try, I would never know – would I? Sure, some crappy things happened down the road of life, but I had learned that I should never fear to fail, and I can truly say that it has been a blessing ever since. If we don’t take chances we will not move forward; sure, taking chances open up possibilities of failing, part of the process – but have no fear, please… it’s worth it when we find that it’s okay to fall down, as long as we pop up again.

At times results from failures can of course be gruesome and horrific; that’s when we really dig in and try, because we must, to acknowledge what went so terribly wrong, as we must learn, repair and adjust. 

Thinking before doing is of course always recommended, because when we patiently do so, we find that the volume of the more serious screw-ups diminishes and due to that, we actually progress even faster – no kidding and no fear.