ASKING PETER – watch out Dear Abby

Q: How long does he have to stare at me before I know he likes me?

A: If he stares at you approximately 4 hours and 22 minutes without blinking, he either likes you a lot or he is dead. If in doubt, poke him with a pointed stick and you’ll soon find out which one it is. Good luck…  (Asking Peter)

This kind of question and thousands like it, pop up on different ASK, as in: “whoever wants to answer”- Websites. Once in a while I answer a few of these, at times unintentionally hilarious questions. When I answer, I give advice based on experience, common sense and logic.

But during so many weak moments, I have such an urge to let my answers rip, lace them with sarcasm and silly suggestions; you know, totally off track. Unfortunately for me, that is not ethically acceptable as many of these people do seek sound advice and direction. I never leave mean or evil answers – no matter how tempted I am and how easy it is to do so – a lot. But I restrain myself mostly because my wife “advices” me to – she’s so strict, don’t you think?

Today’s post is about how I really want to answer some of these questions. As not to appear arrogant, rude or facetious (and good luck with that, Peter) I have corrected most of the misspellings, but kept some of the grammar in place as written. This is not a show of disrespect to those who submit concerned questions - not at all.

Q: How do I kiss passionately?

Me and this woman I have been dating for a while now are starting to get very serious. How do I kiss her passionately and make it special? I want to show her how much I love her with this kiss. We make out a lot but that’s more just playing with each other. I’ve kissed other girls before but I want this one to be special and different. How long should it last? Should I use tongue? Where do we touch each other?

A: You kissed other girls before what? Before they slapped you silly? How long should it last? If you are talking about passionate kissing, the average for such kiss without tongue is 2 hrs. 24 min. With tongue, it’s a bit longer as you periodically have to come up for air. Should you actually use tongue? Are you talking about your own tongue or somebody else’s tongue? Either way, if you have a tongue with you, YES go ahead and use it. Where to touch each other? I would say in your parent's bedroom (make sure they are asleep) or in the backseat of her mother's SUV - while she is driving you and your girlfriend home from kindergarten. Let me know how it went; pictures only. Good luck – and say HI to her mother from me; I do believe I know her - at least she sounds familiar... (Asking Peter)

Q: Would you stay with a girl if you found out that she wouldn't have sex until marriage?

So if you were dating a girl, and were seniors in high school, and it was pretty serious, you were in love with her, but you really want to have sex and she won't do it until marriage...would you dump her?

A: So in spite of being in love, you still want to have sex with her? That’s my boy – nothing like loveless sex (that’s what you wrote). Is it that she doesn’t want to do you, but wants to have sex with somebody else before she gets married to you? Ha, you didn’t ask her that, did you? Why don’t you just dump her anyways, just to be safe – that’s what I would do. Hey Dude, do you want me to dump her for you? I know how to do it – I have a lot of experience in being dumped – really. (Asking Peter)

Q: Girls do I sound attractive or ugly

I am aged 20 male I have green eyes short dark-brown/blonde hair. Pretty big sensual lips average nose and ears I am slim 60kg 9 stone average height of 5'10, I look younger then my age?

A: I’m not a girl (last time I checked) but I answer because it sounds like you need a lot of help, you sounding so shy and humble. I love your hair – as different as in weird. Are your sensuous lips pretty big or are they pretty and big? It’s so lovely to finally meet a guy with average nose and ears; especially since I have no clue what that means. You call yourself slim? At 60 kilos and 9 stone you weigh in at about 118 kilos (260 pounds) and since you are 5’10; that also makes you a bit wide, huh? So are you attractive or ugly? How about pretty ugly, but in a good way? Now work on getting out of your shell of shyness, okay? You are right, you also sound younger than you look, luscious lips and all. (Asking Peter)

Q: I attract too many girls, help!?

Ok, I'm not trying to be vein but I'm a fairly good looking lad and have a good personally and sense of humor, so I’ve been told, the problem is I attract a lot of girls and most guys will be like quit moaning, but it really messes with my head, should I just be more honest with a lot of girls and tell them early on I just want to be friends, help, what can I do?

A: Okay, not trying to be vein, so let’s go with vain – seems like you are doing just fine with that – even if you don’t know the difference. I envy lads like you, I really do. Not being able to beat these throngs of girls off with a pointed stick must be so hard; I can see how it will mess up your head (and hair). Yeah, tell them early on, even before you meet them, that you just wanna be friends and tell their mothers too, just to be safe. You could also tell them: "oh by the way, I’m gay", because that should cut down on the throngs… But of course then you might have to beat throngs of boys off with that same pointed stick. Gosh, this is so confusing; obviously, you can’t win – I’m so happy I’m not you, though I do envy that you have personally (!) and sense of humor. Some lucky lads have it all. (Asking Peter)

Q: I LOVE HIM!!! HELP?

So I was dating this guy and I did a mistake not a big one but yeah then after I did that mistake he was completely ignoring me not replying etc. After a week of not talking to him I put my pride to the side, and told him that I liked you and told him not to do this but yet he still did not reply? Is guys this heartless? My mistake was I told my friend what he told me about her but it wasn’t actually what he thought it was; he doesn’t even let me explain he just ignores. And this happened 16 days ago.

A: Are you a rap-artist by any chance? “Put my pride – to the side” Shaboom, bam bam snide… I told you not to tell him that you like me, so of course he will not reply – what the heck have you been sniffing? Guys is this heartless and you shouldn’t have told your friend that he said to her, when he told her what she thought he didn’t tell you because he repeated not replying after he told him that you like me. That should clear things up, don’t you think? But with 16 days behind you already, depending on where you stand or sit, you are running out of time. I wish you luck, but I’m not so sure with what, huh? (Asking Peter)

Q: What does it mean when a guy says you’re cute and it turns HIM on...?

And he's your ex and has a girlfriend.

A: That I’m talking with a non-heterosexual male I used to know? I am cute, so that will never be an issue, but since it turns him on, I would immediately call the PERVERT-POLICE… Oh, you meant he said that to you, being his ex and also has a girlfriend. Okay, does: "have your cake and eat it too” make any sense to you? Well, I didn’t think it would – and that, in an excitingly perverse and strange way turns me on… (Asking Peter)

Just a few examples. So my question to you is if Dear Abby should be shaking in her high heels? Do you think I would be a good source for comfort and advice, someone you would fully trust with your inner emotional concerns and feelings, no matter how sensitive and fragile? I didn’t think so; another possibly good career down the toilet…(flush-flush).

Till next Monday (buy my new book, huh?)

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SPORTS – are we having fun yet?

Signs of early sports suggest that these activities started in China as far back as in 2,000 BC. That is of course a very long time ago and fully explains why some Chinese athletes are understandably really exhausted – wouldn’t you be?

Plato, old dude from Greece, was also known as a wrestler besides that philosopher side-business of his. But philosophy and sports didn’t hit it off as a pair, compared to how philosophy and arts, academics and education teamed up. Those bearded Greeks somewhat ignorantly scuffed at sports by naming it a non-serious activity – just shows you how little they really knew; brains overrated - wouldn’t you say?

But what happened next? Sports actually ended up becoming a dominant part of Ancient Greek culture, when it finally hooked up with the military establishment. This new interest in exercise and competition also became the beginning of the Olympic Games, a celebration to take place every four years; “yes”, it all started in the small village named Olympia (for date-seekers: 776 BC); not to be confused with Olympia in the state of Washington.

A fascinating fact is that the participants in the first Olympics were competing in the nude – true story, and I have a brown paper bag full of photos to prove it. I would not mind if that was somewhat brought back in time for the 2012 London Olympic Games in certain events (snicker snicker); not in wrestling, of course. Having two men roll around on a mat in all their nakedness would be a bit weird and perhaps uncomfortable to watch; don’t you think?

The key concepts in sports are competition, game and play. “Sports” derive from the old French “desports” meaning “leisure”, and for most of us, sports are leisure activities. I mean we watch lots of sports on TV, at our leisure, don’t we? But in my vast research on this subject, I never found the concept “fun” mentioned, and to me that is what sports should more so be about – as in: are we having fun yet?

Through my life I had the privilege being involved with soccer. I played the game from I was 4 or 5 and then I evolved into coaching the game. I have coached about 800 kids from 7 to 19 year old, girls and boys, men and women. The constant essential for me was to underline the reasons we participated. Besides physical and mental health, exercising sportsmanship and fair competition, my main thing was always to HAVE FUN. The harder we practiced, the more we learned, the better we played and the more fun we had – as simple as that. When we watch sports today, the leisure kind, amateur or professional, rarely do we get the feeling they have fun playing and that’s a very sad observation.

When watching kids play sports, I mean kids who just wanna have fun, they are for the most part being pushed by coaches and parents alike to perform beyond their abilities and beyond the adults’ absurd expectations; and where’s the fun in that? You hardly ever see a kid on the field smiling or laughing. 

We must remember that for the kids it is (still) only a game, but we (the so-called adult role models) keep forgetting that, because winning seems to be the only goal. So what this (adult) attitude creates is that so many kids quickly lose interest in something that is so important in their future and essential for the quality of their lives;  exercise, sports and health. Too many pushy parents and eager coaches turn the kids off early on– and isn’t that a pity?

We humans have a need to compete and we do it constantly. Competition is all around us every single day. Not only is it a basic drive in us, but we are relentlessly being taught and told to do even better, do more, do it faster and so forth, not just in sports, but in school, in the work-place and in between. So sports should be a positive influence, not only for the kids, but everybody; shouldn’t it? And what happened to team-sports, by the way?

In the USA, professional sports run annual revenues at over $30 billion. Players are being paid astronomical salaries (a local baseball pitcher just signed a 2 year contract for $46 million). Professional sports are only for entertainment, because competition is diverted by the individual player’s income and controlled by the cash flowing in and out. So-called team-sports become groups of highly paid individuals (and their huge egos) instead of solid team efforts aiming at the same goal: perform their best as a team, supporting each other in wins and losses as a team; and how about having some fun in the process? Team spirit unfortunately died many years ago, and what a shame that is; don’t you think?

The only sports-team I have followed my whole life is Manchester United (that would be soccer/football). But I have never considered myself a fan of ManU (fan, the abbreviation of fanatical), because I am not fanatical about anything at all, really. If you have to place me in a “fan” category, I am more so your fair-weather-fan, which means that as long as the team wins, I fan – team loses, I don’t fan so much. But I will pick up fanning as soon as the team starts winning again - yes, even what ManU is concerned. You see, to me professional sports are only bits of entertainment, so I exercise my right to turn it on and off whenever I please.

Sportsmanship has always been high on my list, and can easily be applied to so many other levels in life, not just in sports. Fair play, courtesy, ethical behavior, integrity, utmost respect for the game and the people playing, as well as being graceful in victories as in defeats. Those are simple guidelines that our kids would pick up if they were coached the right way and guided accordingly by their parents; what a great opportunity we are missing out on, as all this could be such great stuff all the way through life.

We have been surrounded by sports and its competition for thousands of years. It’s in our nature to compete. This strengthens us and moves us forward and for the most part it makes us better, faster, smarter and more accomplished. That’s why we need to approach sports and competition in a healthy and ethical way, mixed with a lot of fun and laughter; that way it’s a sure winner for all. So when asked: are we having fun yet? The only answer should be YES WE ARE…

Till next Monday

ATHLETIC FOOT-NOTE

When watching the upcoming London Olympics (July 27 – Aug. 12), make sure to acknowledge the enormous discipline, energy and time these young athletes have invested to reach this pinnacle of their athletic career. Don’t count winners and losers, but try to fully understand the same dedication by the first and the last crossing the line, scoring the goal, missing a chance or getting those top points – or not. I don’t care about the gold, silver and bronze, because I am too busy being in such awe of these youngsters – and I have always been, as they are ALL so very inspirational... and I must believe that they are (still) having fun doing it- and they don't have to be naked.

CHIVALRY – what the heck happened?

“Chivalry is dead,” she said, staring at the ground with sad and teary eyes. He reached for her hand and tenderly held it: “I’m so sorry to hear that; was she a good friend of yours?” Unfortunately, that is pretty much how dead chivalry is today.

Back in medieval times, the code of conduct for those shiny knights, underlined the virtues of honor, by serving their lords and the God above, as well as striving to “protect others who cannot protect themselves”; that would be women, the golden oldies, children and especially defenseless bunnies named Fluffy.

An even more important part of this code of conduct required the knights to thoroughly honor women, who at all times should be approached with kindness, courtesy and respect. Now, if I’m not totally lost in history, this great attitude towards women and other fair females on the home-front, they outright stole from the Vikings (my rough & tough ancestors). You see, the Viking male population respected and totally accepted that Viking women were in full charge at home and the key-holders to the family treasure chests – and as we acknowledge this, has anything really changed a heck of a lot since then in that department?

But where is that chivalry attitude today? No, I don’t expect all males to dress up in recycled beer-cans and carrying long shiny sticks, big shields and heavy metal hats decorated with colorful feathers, as was the fashion so many hundred years ago. I’m not asking you to grab those two half coconut shells, banging them together to emulate a charging white stallion – I’m not talking about that kind of chivalrous attitude; because that is still fully controlled and owned by Monty Python.

I’m talking about what chivalry should be like today: kindness, courtesy and respect towards each other. And “towards each other”, as we should break down all gender lines, making that a part of our code of conduct – please.

Chivalry is fairly dead today; but let’s do a bit of CPR (for those who do not know: cardiopulmonary resuscitation, stuff you do to get the old ticker ticking again), and see if we can bring some spark back into that near rigor mortis old friend of ours; let’s start pumping some new life back into chivalry …

Back in the sixties, in the bra-burning days of women’s rights and fight for equality, a lot of issues had been simmering for years and finally popped up. All of a sudden a male opening a door for a female, became more so a chauvinistically dominant insult than the courtesy it used to be – so chivalry and a bit of male pride flew out the window along with the burning bras. I always thought that was so sad; not the bra-thing, of course, but the other stuff – even back then.

Growing up, I was taught kindness, courtesy and respect towards anybody, and I never had a problem with that. It is still something I do automatically and as naturally as breathing and not watching reality-shows.

I don’t get to open many doors for my wife, because she tends to be too fast. I believe it’s because she is self-efficient and independent (also of Viking blood), that it doesn’t even cross her mind to “let” me be her courtesy knight in shiny shorts and flip-flops (this is California, you know – that’s what we all wear – all the time – even to bed – sleeping next to our surfboards, of course – but you already knew that, huh?) Racing past her, smashing her to the ground to reach the door first, so I can open it for her, isn’t the kind of chivalry we are looking for, is it? But there’s an idea…

We all agree that we like getting attention. We can also agree that we like giving attention, and not just to Fluffy. So with that established, getting back to using chivalry as a positive part of our lives should be a piece of cake.

Keep up the CPR; I think we are getting a pulse…

I open doors for anybody if the timing is appropriate. No, I’m not waiting hours on end for somebody to show up, so I can do my Knight in Shiny Shorts bit; because that might be really weird. But I open many doors and just about everybody smiles and says thanks; well, just about everybody.

Yes, there are the ones who walk through with sour faces and no smiles, just too blooming busy; not even a bloody thank you. But I do like them, because they give me a grand opportunity to loudly say: You’re welcome, with a strong smell of sarcasm, of course. I just love that part; it’s a verbal kick in their pride. For the most part, they do acknowledge that they were rude and ignorant; many of them turn around somewhat embarrassed and then they smile and spittle out something sounding similar to thank you.

But the ones who fail to do that, I run after, grab them, throw them violently to the ground and then I kick the royal crap out of them, teaching them a lesson or two about kindness, courtesy, respect and chivalry – well, in my dreams, for the most. But it would be cool, solving such annoyance with utter violence. I would have made such a good knight, don’t you think? And I would also have used one of them shiny pointed things…

We are getting close to a normal pulse now, and thanks to your help and willingness to bring new life into our old friend chivalry, there is a huge possibility of a glorious resurrection – amen!

The simple act of smiling, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, is also part of chivalry, because by smiling we are acknowledging the presence of another human being on our way. Holding doors and all that other stuff, does make for a better life around us, because I know that we all care. Let’s show some more kindness, courtesy and respect and honor those codes the knights lived by – so many hundreds of years ago; because it still works today, it really does – a lot.

Till next Monday (and beyond): LONG LIVE CHIVALRY

I WONDER Department:

I guess it was okay back then to say: Good morning, knight. But perhaps saying Goodnight, knight was deemed silly and inappropriate? Does anybody know?

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SPEEDOS & THONGS – not a lot of cover-up

It’s time to squeeze into my EXTRA LIFE LYCRA SOLID SOLAR 1 inch BRIEFS; that’s what they are called. We are more familiar with the abbreviation: Speedos; that little piece of Polyester/Lycra thing that covers just enough to avoid full nudity. I have no idea what the 1 inch is referring to, but if your mind is in the gutter, 1 inch is far from close – so quickly erase that picture from your memory – thank you.

Summer officially starts June 20 around here; but for me, where I’m located geographically, that tanning thing, melting away in the warmth of the sun, runs from March through September - approximately. I have always been attracted to the sun, from very limited rays back in Denmark, to the excess of it here in California.

I grew up in Denmark with breast feeding and Speedos, not realizing that big baggy beach shorts were the thing in the USA. After arriving here, I only made a couple of Speedo appearances on California beaches. Several groups of people gathered, hysterically chuckling and pointing fingers behind my back. “He must be from Europe or something…” was giggled the most. So I gave in and from then on covered myself in big baggy beach shorts, which I thought looked really stupid when referenced to my bony, though highly tanned lack of physique; also known as the dreaded NerdBoy look.

To me, sun-tanning feels rather wonderful. I’m not seeking a tan to look better, because that has never been important. It’s because it makes me feel a lot better – makes me feel healthier. So I pull on those tiny Speedos, because I want a tan on as much body as I can get a tan on. With a good layer of Ultra Sheer Dry-Touch Sunblock SPF 70, I sneak out in the back-yard – where nobody can see me – I think; and then I melt in the sun for about 45 minutes – oh, it’s heaven and has always been (as long as I don’t get interrupted by the California Speedo-Police).

Speedos are used by most beach going men in Europe, no matter what kind of body they have – it doesn’t seem to matter and it shouldn’t. Sure it would be cool, even for me, if we all had washboard abs and a fab shape like David Beckman, but we don’t. But that’s okay too - it really is.

And then we have The Thongs, that tiny little piece of cloth covering the essentials (whatever that might be for some), fastened with a string strung up between the buttocks. I haven’t tried it (yet), but how the heck comfortable is that? Or perhaps exciting? If I ever find out, I’ll let you know (by the way, do they come in mint?)

Some females wearing thongs look absolutely fantastic, and some don’t; but it doesn’t really matter, does it? European beaches are dotted with a mix of Speedos and thongs and nakedness – and here it is big baggy beach shorts for the dudes and bikini thongs for the dudettes – where the heck is the equality in that?

My wife and our two boys met up with my in-laws in Spain some years back. Our oldest, around 14 at the time, was somewhat looking forward to see some naked women on the beaches – because that’s what they do, he was told – by his father.

Unfortunately, his first experience was an older woman whose breasts and buttocks were severely affected by gravity – a lot. Not even close to the Playboy Bunny of the Month he had fantasized about. Now he’s not too keen about those European beaches – or wearing Speedos – like daddy. But he’ll change his mind when I show him the beaches of St. Tropez… By “the beaches” I mean the female beach-goers there. This is not a chauvinistic comment, but simply one made with the highest respect for the human body in whatever shape or form - seriously.

When you consider the bodily areas Speedos, tiny bikini tops and thongs try to cover, why are we so much against public/beach nudity? I mean, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon, no offense if you are one, to figure out what’s under the covered areas and it’s not like we don’t know what those body parts look like – we pretty much remember them by heart. So I’m confused about that nudity thing, that one area we can’t show or air out.

But it’s very private, we say – but what does that really mean? When we try to find other reasons, besides the “private parts” thing, what else can we come up with? We are already exposing a lot of those “private parts areas” so why even bother with the $125 piece of triangled mini-cloth or the 1 inch speedos? Think about it, and then ask yourself: does it make sense?

Don’t get me wrong, because I’m as perplexed as the next Speedo-wearer. I think we have a twisted fixation about what we can show and what we cannot show, for whatever reasons. We are guided to the issues of vanity, shyness and decency (what?) with added pressures from ourselves, society and/or our cultures; but is nudity really that awful? Are we really that ashamed of our bodies? I’m not, but of course that doesn’t mean I want to show it to you – and isn’t that kind of weird, because, again, I’m not ashamed of mine?

Have you ever exposed yourself stark naked to the sun? It’s exhilarating and really makes a difference. No, gutter-mind, it’s not related to anything perverted or sexual (but there’s an idea); it’s simply a rather “free” feeling. But if I feel somebody is watching me, I don’t feel so exhilarated or “free” anymore. I would quickly cover up and scream PERVERT ALERT in the process.

A body is a body, and there are so many shapes and forms. Some are a delight to drool over; others make you want to look away and some makes you wanna puke – honestly. But that little piece of polyester in the front with the string in the back, does not make that much of a difference – it really doesn’t. But for some reason it does – and on some levels I obviously wonder why.

Nude beaches or being nude on most European beaches is no big deal. You can be naked, wearing Speedos to your heart’s content, bikini minimals, thongs or big baggy beach shorts – whatever is fine. It’s actually rather natural and very relaxed. Here in the USA, we have a long way to go.

But I will not become the naked poster-boy, machetting the way to new beach dress or undress laws around here. You will never see me strut down Venice Beach in my birthday suit (for some readers, that would be nude), holding a sign saying GET NAKED – NOT JAILED – in an effort to legalize optional nudity on America’s beaches. I’m too vain, shy, and uncomfortable and I still want to lose another 10 pounds and then get that David Beckham body look (I really hate him, because he makes me look so ordinary – shame on him).

Have a grand week (now where did I put those Speedos – oh, I’m wearing them already!)

THE LOTTERY – do you really want to win?

There is a gambler in all of us. For some, not a lot; for others it’s financial ruin. We all like the thought of winning millions by investing near nothing; a few get lucky and the rest of us tear up the tickets saying: never again - stupid horse. The following week we exchange never again for 10 more tickets, because it really could happen – and we are betting on it – again. But do we really want to win?

Several months ago, here in the USA, a Mega lottery had 3 winners sharing a $650 million jackpot. Each got $160 million after taxes. A few lives changed that day, a lot of celebrations and expensive champagne and the feeling of unbelievable euphoria, no doubt. Just imagine what you can do with that kind of financial power – you shouldn’t run into monetary hardship, even if you lived till the ripe age of 400 (which would light up any cake, huh? Fire Brigade at the ready).

Okay, so I won and I’m off on the initial shopping spree. We buy a new home with room for horses, new cars, a huge RV and other stuff. We’ll travel and do anything our hearts desire and then some. After that initial frenzy and the spending-dust has settled, I will consult with my new financial advisor (I have seriously already picked one), as depositing the $160 million check into my checking or savings account, would seem silly – if not slightly impossible and weird - but still be so damn cool.

I’ll settle related financial and legal formalities and arrange agreements with a couple of charities that I will donate money to. That should finalize the basic mechanics of becoming a new multi-millionaire – and here come the tricky parts.

Buying stuff is a piece of cake; but there are some other situations I know I will have to deal with, make decisions about, evaluate and hopefully resolve without people getting hurt, jealous, envious or utterly pissed.

I am positive that whatever way I resolve any of these “issues”, people will still end up hating me while calling me all sorts of nasty names. You see, I believe people around us, family and friends have certain expectations concerning how much of my lucky $160 million should end up in their pockets. So considering this, I’m not sure how lucky that winning ticket really is.

Okay, I seriously know that our family is not expecting anything at all. I know that they will be so happy for us, support us in our bonanza of good luck – because they are all such lovely people – they really are. We will of course invite everybody on vacations and cruises or whatever – no doubt give each a nice amount of money and then hopefully everybody will forget about it and move on with life as if nothing happened.

You see, when I give money or gifts or cruises to anybody, I don’t want that to affect our future relationship. I don’t want anybody smiling a lot more at me, agree with every bloody thing I say or do, because I gave them money and stuff. I think Sigmund Freud said it rather clearly: “Please don’t kiss my butt” (in German, of course); couldn’t have said it better myself - thanks Siggy.

But in the cases where families are not as lovely and functional as ours, you can only imagine the fights over shares of your money. I hear it can get pretty ugly. And the point is that no matter how much you hand over, it will never be enough. This is a true no-win situation. Imagine Uncle Burt never talking to you again, which might actually be a blessing (until he needs more money, of course). The multitude of casualties left on the field of lottery money, will be fully blamed on you; you broke up the family by being a bloody cheapskate – shame on you.

And then we have our close friends and the swarms of new friends popping up all over the place. Just imagine your 684 friends on Facebook alone? (Luckily I only have 14). Now you are in deep deep poop, as you might not even have enough money - how about that?

We have two sets of great friends, people we have known for 30 years. We love them dearly, friendships built on respect, trust and appreciation of our relationships. Okay, so they are doing fine financially and have no need for additional funding, things, trips, etc. But of course we will invite both sets of friends on cruises, vacations and what not, as well as give each of them a million or so (after taxes). And I will feel good doing that, because they will not treat us any different after that. It’s not like they won’t appreciate the gesture, but they will more so make fun of it and be kiddingly mean to me – in that loving kind of way; and I’m totally fine with that.

But then you also have so-called friends and people you have never met before, who will pop up from nowhere, guided by the smell of cash. They’ll congratulate you with big smiles, great investment ideas and open pockets. I will say NO to all of them and they will call me names, but eventually they will go away - I hope. All in all, these situations are still easy to handle, compared to the next tricky part.

The real tough one is to decide how to “deal” with your kids. We have two children who are now adults. They are both in that part of their lives where careers are taking off and things are moving along. Now we can dramatically help them along financially, make all their future monetary needs disappear – but at what cost?

You see, the question is: Are we really helping them or are we removing some of the excitement of creating and establishing a normal life by themselves? Are we eliminating the exhilaration of that first new car-smell, scraping enough money together for that first “own” home? By giving them millions, that joy will either be killed or at least dramatically diminished. So this is something that must be approached with the greatest caution and sensitivity; don’t you agree?

No matter what you do or do not, it will affect their lives. So the decision is not easy, as you must evaluate how much, how little, now and in the future. You must find the best and healthiest way to help them along without making them pathetically lazy, because we gave them too much and they don’t have to do a damn thing – for the rest of their (boring?) lives. It is really a tough choice, it really is; also because you cannot negate giving them money. So considering that you might actually ruin exhilarating parts of your kids lives, are you sure you still want to win?

Last I checked, I didn’t find stupid painted on my forehead. I will gladly suffer through the person-dealings, the emotions and decisions (carefully). If the option is to win or not to win, I’ll take the winning ticket. Then I’ll try to make the best and the healthiest decisions possible. Did you have any idea that it could become this frustrating with $160 million under the mattress? (Sigh).

We will travel a lot as there are places we haven’t seen yet. But we will also sit back and enjoy the added freedom a bunch of dough in the bank can bless you with. We live a simple life now, without the wild urges of accumulating stuff, and that is the lifestyle we will continue with – in a bit nicer surroundings while watching the horses in the fields. Of course there will be some extreme changes - but our life will also stay the same.

Now it’s your turn to fantasize – so go buy those tickets today, huh? Let me know if you win – and I’ll immediately become your new best pal ever; in spite of the odds, how lucky is that, my new friend?

Till next Monday and Good Luck

May 25, I (quietly) celebrated my first full year of this blog. I have done what I promised myself I would do: publish a new post every Monday. As of today this blog has more than 3,400 readers from 44 countries. I am humbled and in awe, and I thank all of you for your time and interest. I hope my stories will get you back again and again – and I will keep sharpen my feather, again and again, to make that happen – hopefully.     

THE TRUTH – can you handle it?

For the most part we look at truth being the opposite of lying, and I can truthfully swing with that. But the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (so help me Rhonda, help help me Rhonda) is unfortunately not that simple. You see, it has a lot to do with how each of us perceives what the real truth is, it's all about our interpretation and understanding, which can be far from how somebody else sees it.

In the movie A Few Good Men, Jack Nicholson’s character, Colonel Nathan R. Jessep stated: “you can’t handle the truth” which is a fairly correct statement and don’t you think that’s sad?  - Or maybe it’s really okay…

A footnote before we get started: I’m talking about the truth between us normal people, not the misconceptions of fabricated truths some politicians consider and perhaps believe to be real. 

Okay, it’s not like we lack ability to deal with alleged truths, but we must understand where that specific truth comes from, because when we know that, we’ll be able to handle it better. What I’m concerned, known truths are that the sun rises, we pay taxes, reality-shows suck and then we die; and pretty much in that order. What I mean is that known truths can be confirmed. It’s all the other truths that are tougher to understand and therefore tougher to handle; the ones not based on proven reality.

When speaking truthfully, we must remember that the person who is communicating with us, is only telling us something that he or she perceives as being the real truth, based on that person’s experience, information, logic and/or common sense. You and I might see that same truth differently based on our experience, information, logic and/or common sense. But what they are telling us is the truth as they see it, what they believe that truth is – and I’m totally fine with that. So the question is: can we actually find any real truth in all this, and will we ever know the real truth if there is any? Made you think, huh? I’m nitpicking, because I really wonder if that is true.

Wouldn’t it be grand if we could handle the truth? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just say what’s really on our minds, instead of having to sort things out in Nano seconds to come up with something that won’t be hurtful, rude or ignorant?
“Do you think I’m fat?”
“You are beyond fat and you are ugly too…”
And that is yet another friend down the drain. It’s not because you don’t love her, she was your best friend for so many years, but for once you just felt like telling her the truth, express precisely what was on your (feeble) mind that very second; she had to ask, didn’t she? Silly girl…

She was fishing for comfort and encouragement, because of insecurities concerning her weight and looks. As we acknowledge that, we hold the real truth back, we give in and then we go: “It looks like you lost a bit of weight the last….” Neutral and gentle, sweet and supportive. But another kind of truth is, that she knows precisely what you are thinking, which would be: “You are beyond fat and you are ugly too…” So why even bother?

In court they do that swearing-in ritual, promising to tell the truth. I don’t care how many hands you have on the Bible, the Koran or Mad Magazine, or how many fingers cover your heart, the whole truth and nothing but – so help me God (or Rhonda), is not always true to any extent. I truly trust that a lot of lying is taking place – remember, many of these people are fighting for their freedom, so lying by not telling the truth (duh!), comes in rather handy to help their case. Don’t get me wrong, I do wish for truth and justice, but we shouldn’t be naïve believing the truth is guaranteed just because a bit of a ritual took place - no matter how sad that is.

If we could secretly carry a voice recorder around, picking up our conversations and reactions to the many things we are faced with, challenged by and have to make decisions about in a 24/7 period, I bet we would find it rather interesting (disturbing, perhaps?) What I mean is that (yes, I know it cannot be done, but go with it anyway, okay?) we would be alarmed about how not-so truthful we really are.

So my brilliant idea is that we pretend not to be influenced by carrying the voice recorder around and are therefore being our normal charming selves (and good luck with that). After a long day, we sit down and listen to all the communication we went through; we dissect every interaction and listen to our responses. I bet you a can of tuna that you might find some honest truths, mixed with things less truthful and a lot of: “I shouldn’t have said that – I should really have said this…” Some responses will make you feel real good, and the rest will question your integrity, kindness and character. But I find this amateur assessment rather normal and can you imagine how much we can learn about ourselves from this little experiment?

We do acknowledge the insecurities we all have, we know how fragile and sensitive we are and that's why we lean on considerations, no matter how far it will remove us from what we really want to say. So NO I don’t want you to tell me that I’m fat (and ugly too), because I am already aware of it, but that doesn’t mean I want to hear it from anybody else. So we approach with diplomacy and carefulness (thank you), and for the most part, that makes for a much nicer place to be in and far better relationships; telling the truth might happen, but in many cases, not even close...

If we all would like to be more truthful, we must work a lot harder towards being able to handle that added truthfulness better, because that’s really what’s in the way. Overall I think we are doing fine, but we can still improve.

To tell you the truth (giggle giggle), I have a tough time when “not being truthful” turns into outright lying; because compared to lies we can all handle the truths a heck of a lot better - don’t you agree? So in that case, Colonel Nathan R. Jessep wasn't totally correct, because we can actually handle some truths; and perhaps more than he thinks we can.

Until next Monday

Another footnote:
I referred to a certain Rhonda a few times, and for those of you who do not know, it’s from The Beach Boys song: Help Me, Rhonda released March 1965. Too tempting not to hum along after: “- so help me God” (help, help me Rhonda)… Oh well, sorry if you didn’t get it… (shoot, now it’s stuck in my head…)

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SAME SEX MARRIAGE – what’s the big deal?

I prefer saying: same-gender-marriage, because with the part of society who is strongly against these unions, the major issue is that sex-thing. It’s the vision (imagination?) of same gender making love, making out or having sex that is looming rather big. But admitting that this is one of the reasons they are against same-sex-marriages (just part of being homophobic), is another story. So opponents cover up behind other explanations, still condemning true love, respect and trust by denying two human beings the right to a life together in Holy Matrimony, just because they are the same gender; don’t you think that's rather sad?

It was good to hear President Obama finally express his support of same sex/gender marriages. Did he take a political risk? Did he shoot himself in the foot? I seriously doubt it, because I have such a massive trust in how far most of us have come with respect to compassion for our fellow human beings – maybe that is a bit naïve, but that's what I believe.

So that is also why I am convinced that we have three answers to the question about same-gender-marriages: For it / Couldn't care less / Against it. The first two answers will be very dominant; no doubt about it.

Homosexuality has been persecuted for thousands of years; it has been illegal within many societies and countries and still is. But considering homosexuality a crime, even those many years ago, doesn’t make any sense to me at all. As with other issues and groups of people and individuals we so adamantly have been against through centuries (witch-hunts, the Jews, to name a couple of many) we have always “protected” ourselves by applying severe punishment of these so-called perpetrators. The core reason to this pathetic reaction, has always been ignorance; and that is unfortunately still a huge reason for our behavior, even today. But I believe (naïve again?) that due to today’s massive availability of information, we are becoming better educated and therefore less ignorant and less afraid of what we don't know.

It’s rather normal for us to be defensive about stuff we don’t really know much about; simply because we are uncomfortable and uncertain due to that ignorance thing, which means lack of knowledge; so we put our heels in the ground and place a derogatory opinion on the subject. Better to be safe than sorry, comes in handy. Becoming informed and then base our opinions on that, is a much better choice – don’t you think?

From other facets of life, some are told what to think and how it should be or not. What is true morality? Is it morally accepted or is it a sin? Gods, churches, priests, multitude of religions, the Vatican’s vast power, politics and interest groups, are setting the rules based on beliefs, faith and agenda. Faith followers can find shelter and safety in being told what to think and what you should worship and/or what to condemn. Makes it easier to have an opinion, no matter how ignorant that opinion might be to others – hence the opposition to (among many other issues) homosexuality…

Now don’t condemn me due to the above, because I have the highest respect for anybody who truly believe, follow and have faith in their religions, I truly do; to each his or her own (as long as it is legal, of course). And I expect to be respected for my point of view as well.

Do I fully embrace homosexuality? I do, but with a few exceptions (that’s not really embracing fully, is it Peter?) I do not like gay-pride parades, because I have never felt that any shove-it-in-your-face demonstrations are necessary. If you have pride in your sexuality, that’s great, but I don’t need any of the parades. And don’t expose heavy duty making out in front of me, as I find it done mostly for demonstrative reasons – so what’s the point other than making me feel uncomfortable? Don’t get me wrong, the same goes for heterosexual demonstrations of “just-because-we-can”. I’m an equal opportunity whiner – so take that.

Oh, this reminds me of the first time I was made aware of a person’s homosexuality. This was back in Denmark and I was probably around 21. This guy pointed at Jan, a new employee I had just hired: “Peter, you hired a fruitcake.” Fully understanding what he meant, I clearly remember my response: “Merry Christmas…” And in a nut shell, that was how little it meant to me back then; and it means even less to me today. I have never understood what the big deal is.

For those who are strongly against homosexuality (Adolf Hitler was one some years back), I can only say that I do respect their opinions (not Hitler’s, though), but only if I can get a logical and non-ignorant reasoning for this resentment, please; I'm all ears.

To clear up a bit of myth: NO you do not go to Gay & Lesbian Camp to learn the trade; NO being brought up by homosexual parents will not make you one-of-them. Just because I see a good looking male (being a male myself, and very heterosexually so, though not that good looking) and I say “Wow, he’s a good looking young man” or something like that, doesn’t make me gay (only if you mean happy or lively). NO, if your work colleague Linda is a lesbian and you are a heterosexual woman, doesn’t mean that she’ll jump your bones first chance she gets. NO, homosexuality is not abnormal, sick, perverted nor curable. Perhaps you can pretend NOT being a homosexual by staying in the proverbial closet and unfortunately many do - not a good way to live life, is it?

Then we have all the extremes, as in anything; but please don’t judge all homosexuals (or heterosexuals, or any other group in our society) by what one idiot individual, who is craving attention to his or her person does (why I dislike gay-pride parades), because that is not only ignorant, but also a bit pathetic - on both sides.

You see, the reality is that as with heterosexuals, homosexuals are just the same normal and mundane human beings. We all get up in the morning, go to the bathroom, we shower, we dress, we eat breakfast, we go to work, we eat lunch, we work some more, and then we go home and for the lucky ones, we meet up with that very special person we love, we respect and cannot (and do not want to) imagine what our life would be without. If that is Frank & Harry, Alice & Ellen, Kenneth & Cathy or Linda & Robert, should not have any form of importance, because the mix or no-mix of genders doesn’t make a difference - because we are all human beings.

Same gender relationships, from handholding to marriage, make sense to me. Because I believe that one of the most powerful rights we have as human beings, is the power and the euphoria that comes with falling in love, finding that special soul mate, no matter what color, what nationality, what faith, what creed, values or convictions – and no matter what gender combination; because it is really not that big of a deal.

When each of us respects diversity

we will ALL get stronger together

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THE ISLAND – who would you invite?

We all ponder the chance of meeting certain people, famous or not, dead or alive. We envision that tropical island in the sun, where we all gather for many lively meals with lots of wine and laughter. Wild debates racing between opposite views flying across the table, old ideas and perhaps new revelations; how cool is that?

I finally get to ask pressing questions: Did General Custer actually say: “Oh crap” when he ran out of bullets? Were Kennedy and Marilyn doing it? Did Moses ever admit he dropped one of the three tablets, thus making it only 10 Commandments instead of 15? Does George Clooney see me as his identical twin? But more importantly, who would you bring along? You say me? (I think I’m blushing – either that or I have gas).

Through our lives we are exposed to people from sports, academia, entertainment, politics, history, science and so forth, who are intriguing and fascinating, while others can make us puke because they are so innate stupid and pathetic. We are influenced by our surroundings to some degree and emulate what we see. For the most part we grab the good stuff to improve ourselves and then it would be awesome to meet some of these influences; don't you think?

The tough task is to narrow down this fantasy to ten people whom I wouldn’t mind spending a few weeks on the island with. Why ten? Why not? It’s due to limited space and my short attention span. So I have chosen people who would make me laugh as well as make me think; humor and brains - cool combo.

Besides my list of ten, I wouldn't mind spending time with the author Stephen Ambrose, Lewis & Clark, Picasso, George Harrison, Andy Rooney, Churchill, Beethoven; and just a moment with Captain Edward Smith of the Titanic twenty minutes before reaching the iceberg: “Hey Eddie Baby, you should make a sharp left turn just about now”; Mother Theresa because she was so cute; Mae West because she was so charmingly obnoxious - and the list is long and colorful - but only room for ten.

Of course we can also make a list of people we wouldn’t waste a blooming second with: Justin Bieber, anybody appearing on so-called reality shows, TV weather-persons, people who have issues with the police or the judicial system here or abroad, telephone marketers and folks with low hygiene (never understood that hygiene thing – instead of low hygiene, wouldn’t lowgiene save time?)

So not to get in bad pudding with anybody, insulting people for not including them amongst the ten, here is the strict rule to avoid that: Family members and friends, children of same, pets and my bunny Fluffy cannot attend; fair enough? I have elegantly avoided lawsuits and casual spanking. Here’s my list:

MY WIFE: Breaking the rule right away, but I’m writing this stuff, so there. My wife is my best friend ever and I would never, even in a pretend situation, consider not inviting her; that will not happen. She is the one that keeps me at my best, makes me a more enhanced person and she is the one I can be “just me” around. Besides my love for her, I have the deepest respect for who she is – really. She’s coming along, so take that.

JON STEWART: For those of you not knowing this, Jon is the host and writer for The Daily Show. He is massively intelligent, utterly funny, charming, quick and so animated. Though he is successful, it has certainly not made him big-headed – quite the opposite; humble is more the ticket. Would be a lot of fun to have him come along.

MERYL STREEP: Intelligent and funny, besides being a tremendous actress. Her humbleness in success is outstanding. And she would be able to entertain us a bit with songs from Mamma Mia, as long as she doesn’t bring her ABBA inspired clothes along; and of course she must have a few Maggie Thatcher jokes, don’t you think?

ALBERT EINSTEIN: The most complex of persons and the most simple, really. Though his mind swung in so many vast directions, he had a down-to-earth ability that surprised us. After reading several versions of his life story, I became a huge fan; even considered changing my last name from Steiness to EinSteiness. And we do need a dude with interesting hair to hang with - don’t we?

HILLARY CLINTON: I always see something brewing inside that head of hers. She is no dummy - far from, and she is not taking any crap from anybody. There’s toughness about her that I like, while keeping her feminine side intact. Bill screwed her over when he screwed Monica and I want to know how Hillary really feels about that disrespect and break of trust – don’t you? And then she picked up this new interest in finding out what happened to Earhart. Way to go, Hill - and now you'll find out.

GROUCHO MARX: I mean really! Just imagine Einstein and Groucho going at it – I can’t wait. Grew up with the Marx Brothers and no matter how many times I read about him, listen to old recordings and watch those silly movies, I still crack up big time; You Bet Your Life and besides being utterly funny, he was so far from being stupid…

GERTRUDE STEIN: Not because her last name looks so familiar in a shorter version, but because of her life and the great people she met on her way; Picasso and Hemingway to name a few. Her involvement in the arts was vast and important and I would be looking forward to chatting about Paris (not Hilton) and all the friends she surrounded herself with in those golden days; that would really be so cool.

MY PAL MICHAEL: Breaking my own rule again. Michael passed away last December, so he’s coming along for some last meals and fun chats. Wouldn’t be bad at all; I really miss him, his raspy voice, his dry humor and loving friendship. There will be kazoos for everybody; no explanation necessary.

AMELIA EARHART: Famous lost female pilot person. What the heck happened to you? I really want to know where she ended up, so she’ll explain it all on the island – over cocktails, of course, sitting next to Hillary. I’ll let you know…

JOHN WINSTON LENNON: I still miss him very much. One of those people who was taken from us and himself, way too early. He was always brutally honest which at times hurt him. But he stuck with honesty. Such a complex and simple man, with such a huge creative talent. And then there was that sharp sense of sarcastic laced Liverpool humor. He would have been 72 this year - what a loss for all of us, really.

So who would you invite and why? With the gang above, can you imagine the barbecue dinners, the chatter and discussions, walks on the beaches, but more so the laughter? Wow, it really would be awesome. Oh, a few more comes to mind: W.C.Fields, Johnny Carson, Woody Allen, Monty Python and so forth. But I’ll stick to the above list – like that’s ever going to happen. No harm in fantasizing a bit, is there? So go right ahead and get your group together.

See you next Monday - a rose is a rose is a rose (thanks, Gertrude)

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