ASKING PETER – watch out Dear Abby

Q: How long does he have to stare at me before I know he likes me?

A: If he stares at you approximately 4 hours and 22 minutes without blinking, he either likes you a lot or he is dead. If in doubt, poke him with a pointed stick and you’ll soon find out which one it is. Good luck…  (Asking Peter)

This kind of question and thousands like it, pop up on different ASK, as in: “whoever wants to answer”- Websites. Once in a while I answer a few of these, at times unintentionally hilarious questions. When I answer, I give advice based on experience, common sense and logic.

But during so many weak moments, I have such an urge to let my answers rip, lace them with sarcasm and silly suggestions; you know, totally off track. Unfortunately for me, that is not ethically acceptable as many of these people do seek sound advice and direction. I never leave mean or evil answers – no matter how tempted I am and how easy it is to do so – a lot. But I restrain myself mostly because my wife “advices” me to – she’s so strict, don’t you think?

Today’s post is about how I really want to answer some of these questions. As not to appear arrogant, rude or facetious (and good luck with that, Peter) I have corrected most of the misspellings, but kept some of the grammar in place as written. This is not a show of disrespect to those who submit concerned questions - not at all.

Q: How do I kiss passionately?

Me and this woman I have been dating for a while now are starting to get very serious. How do I kiss her passionately and make it special? I want to show her how much I love her with this kiss. We make out a lot but that’s more just playing with each other. I’ve kissed other girls before but I want this one to be special and different. How long should it last? Should I use tongue? Where do we touch each other?

A: You kissed other girls before what? Before they slapped you silly? How long should it last? If you are talking about passionate kissing, the average for such kiss without tongue is 2 hrs. 24 min. With tongue, it’s a bit longer as you periodically have to come up for air. Should you actually use tongue? Are you talking about your own tongue or somebody else’s tongue? Either way, if you have a tongue with you, YES go ahead and use it. Where to touch each other? I would say in your parent's bedroom (make sure they are asleep) or in the backseat of her mother's SUV - while she is driving you and your girlfriend home from kindergarten. Let me know how it went; pictures only. Good luck – and say HI to her mother from me; I do believe I know her - at least she sounds familiar... (Asking Peter)

Q: Would you stay with a girl if you found out that she wouldn't have sex until marriage?

So if you were dating a girl, and were seniors in high school, and it was pretty serious, you were in love with her, but you really want to have sex and she won't do it until marriage...would you dump her?

A: So in spite of being in love, you still want to have sex with her? That’s my boy – nothing like loveless sex (that’s what you wrote). Is it that she doesn’t want to do you, but wants to have sex with somebody else before she gets married to you? Ha, you didn’t ask her that, did you? Why don’t you just dump her anyways, just to be safe – that’s what I would do. Hey Dude, do you want me to dump her for you? I know how to do it – I have a lot of experience in being dumped – really. (Asking Peter)

Q: Girls do I sound attractive or ugly

I am aged 20 male I have green eyes short dark-brown/blonde hair. Pretty big sensual lips average nose and ears I am slim 60kg 9 stone average height of 5'10, I look younger then my age?

A: I’m not a girl (last time I checked) but I answer because it sounds like you need a lot of help, you sounding so shy and humble. I love your hair – as different as in weird. Are your sensuous lips pretty big or are they pretty and big? It’s so lovely to finally meet a guy with average nose and ears; especially since I have no clue what that means. You call yourself slim? At 60 kilos and 9 stone you weigh in at about 118 kilos (260 pounds) and since you are 5’10; that also makes you a bit wide, huh? So are you attractive or ugly? How about pretty ugly, but in a good way? Now work on getting out of your shell of shyness, okay? You are right, you also sound younger than you look, luscious lips and all. (Asking Peter)

Q: I attract too many girls, help!?

Ok, I'm not trying to be vein but I'm a fairly good looking lad and have a good personally and sense of humor, so I’ve been told, the problem is I attract a lot of girls and most guys will be like quit moaning, but it really messes with my head, should I just be more honest with a lot of girls and tell them early on I just want to be friends, help, what can I do?

A: Okay, not trying to be vein, so let’s go with vain – seems like you are doing just fine with that – even if you don’t know the difference. I envy lads like you, I really do. Not being able to beat these throngs of girls off with a pointed stick must be so hard; I can see how it will mess up your head (and hair). Yeah, tell them early on, even before you meet them, that you just wanna be friends and tell their mothers too, just to be safe. You could also tell them: "oh by the way, I’m gay", because that should cut down on the throngs… But of course then you might have to beat throngs of boys off with that same pointed stick. Gosh, this is so confusing; obviously, you can’t win – I’m so happy I’m not you, though I do envy that you have personally (!) and sense of humor. Some lucky lads have it all. (Asking Peter)

Q: I LOVE HIM!!! HELP?

So I was dating this guy and I did a mistake not a big one but yeah then after I did that mistake he was completely ignoring me not replying etc. After a week of not talking to him I put my pride to the side, and told him that I liked you and told him not to do this but yet he still did not reply? Is guys this heartless? My mistake was I told my friend what he told me about her but it wasn’t actually what he thought it was; he doesn’t even let me explain he just ignores. And this happened 16 days ago.

A: Are you a rap-artist by any chance? “Put my pride – to the side” Shaboom, bam bam snide… I told you not to tell him that you like me, so of course he will not reply – what the heck have you been sniffing? Guys is this heartless and you shouldn’t have told your friend that he said to her, when he told her what she thought he didn’t tell you because he repeated not replying after he told him that you like me. That should clear things up, don’t you think? But with 16 days behind you already, depending on where you stand or sit, you are running out of time. I wish you luck, but I’m not so sure with what, huh? (Asking Peter)

Q: What does it mean when a guy says you’re cute and it turns HIM on...?

And he's your ex and has a girlfriend.

A: That I’m talking with a non-heterosexual male I used to know? I am cute, so that will never be an issue, but since it turns him on, I would immediately call the PERVERT-POLICE… Oh, you meant he said that to you, being his ex and also has a girlfriend. Okay, does: "have your cake and eat it too” make any sense to you? Well, I didn’t think it would – and that, in an excitingly perverse and strange way turns me on… (Asking Peter)

Just a few examples. So my question to you is if Dear Abby should be shaking in her high heels? Do you think I would be a good source for comfort and advice, someone you would fully trust with your inner emotional concerns and feelings, no matter how sensitive and fragile? I didn’t think so; another possibly good career down the toilet…(flush-flush).

Till next Monday (buy my new book, huh?)

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SPORTS – are we having fun yet?

Signs of early sports suggest that these activities started in China as far back as in 2,000 BC. That is of course a very long time ago and fully explains why some Chinese athletes are understandably really exhausted – wouldn’t you be?

Plato, old dude from Greece, was also known as a wrestler besides that philosopher side-business of his. But philosophy and sports didn’t hit it off as a pair, compared to how philosophy and arts, academics and education teamed up. Those bearded Greeks somewhat ignorantly scuffed at sports by naming it a non-serious activity – just shows you how little they really knew; brains overrated - wouldn’t you say?

But what happened next? Sports actually ended up becoming a dominant part of Ancient Greek culture, when it finally hooked up with the military establishment. This new interest in exercise and competition also became the beginning of the Olympic Games, a celebration to take place every four years; “yes”, it all started in the small village named Olympia (for date-seekers: 776 BC); not to be confused with Olympia in the state of Washington.

A fascinating fact is that the participants in the first Olympics were competing in the nude – true story, and I have a brown paper bag full of photos to prove it. I would not mind if that was somewhat brought back in time for the 2012 London Olympic Games in certain events (snicker snicker); not in wrestling, of course. Having two men roll around on a mat in all their nakedness would be a bit weird and perhaps uncomfortable to watch; don’t you think?

The key concepts in sports are competition, game and play. “Sports” derive from the old French “desports” meaning “leisure”, and for most of us, sports are leisure activities. I mean we watch lots of sports on TV, at our leisure, don’t we? But in my vast research on this subject, I never found the concept “fun” mentioned, and to me that is what sports should more so be about – as in: are we having fun yet?

Through my life I had the privilege being involved with soccer. I played the game from I was 4 or 5 and then I evolved into coaching the game. I have coached about 800 kids from 7 to 19 year old, girls and boys, men and women. The constant essential for me was to underline the reasons we participated. Besides physical and mental health, exercising sportsmanship and fair competition, my main thing was always to HAVE FUN. The harder we practiced, the more we learned, the better we played and the more fun we had – as simple as that. When we watch sports today, the leisure kind, amateur or professional, rarely do we get the feeling they have fun playing and that’s a very sad observation.

When watching kids play sports, I mean kids who just wanna have fun, they are for the most part being pushed by coaches and parents alike to perform beyond their abilities and beyond the adults’ absurd expectations; and where’s the fun in that? You hardly ever see a kid on the field smiling or laughing. 

We must remember that for the kids it is (still) only a game, but we (the so-called adult role models) keep forgetting that, because winning seems to be the only goal. So what this (adult) attitude creates is that so many kids quickly lose interest in something that is so important in their future and essential for the quality of their lives;  exercise, sports and health. Too many pushy parents and eager coaches turn the kids off early on– and isn’t that a pity?

We humans have a need to compete and we do it constantly. Competition is all around us every single day. Not only is it a basic drive in us, but we are relentlessly being taught and told to do even better, do more, do it faster and so forth, not just in sports, but in school, in the work-place and in between. So sports should be a positive influence, not only for the kids, but everybody; shouldn’t it? And what happened to team-sports, by the way?

In the USA, professional sports run annual revenues at over $30 billion. Players are being paid astronomical salaries (a local baseball pitcher just signed a 2 year contract for $46 million). Professional sports are only for entertainment, because competition is diverted by the individual player’s income and controlled by the cash flowing in and out. So-called team-sports become groups of highly paid individuals (and their huge egos) instead of solid team efforts aiming at the same goal: perform their best as a team, supporting each other in wins and losses as a team; and how about having some fun in the process? Team spirit unfortunately died many years ago, and what a shame that is; don’t you think?

The only sports-team I have followed my whole life is Manchester United (that would be soccer/football). But I have never considered myself a fan of ManU (fan, the abbreviation of fanatical), because I am not fanatical about anything at all, really. If you have to place me in a “fan” category, I am more so your fair-weather-fan, which means that as long as the team wins, I fan – team loses, I don’t fan so much. But I will pick up fanning as soon as the team starts winning again - yes, even what ManU is concerned. You see, to me professional sports are only bits of entertainment, so I exercise my right to turn it on and off whenever I please.

Sportsmanship has always been high on my list, and can easily be applied to so many other levels in life, not just in sports. Fair play, courtesy, ethical behavior, integrity, utmost respect for the game and the people playing, as well as being graceful in victories as in defeats. Those are simple guidelines that our kids would pick up if they were coached the right way and guided accordingly by their parents; what a great opportunity we are missing out on, as all this could be such great stuff all the way through life.

We have been surrounded by sports and its competition for thousands of years. It’s in our nature to compete. This strengthens us and moves us forward and for the most part it makes us better, faster, smarter and more accomplished. That’s why we need to approach sports and competition in a healthy and ethical way, mixed with a lot of fun and laughter; that way it’s a sure winner for all. So when asked: are we having fun yet? The only answer should be YES WE ARE…

Till next Monday

ATHLETIC FOOT-NOTE

When watching the upcoming London Olympics (July 27 – Aug. 12), make sure to acknowledge the enormous discipline, energy and time these young athletes have invested to reach this pinnacle of their athletic career. Don’t count winners and losers, but try to fully understand the same dedication by the first and the last crossing the line, scoring the goal, missing a chance or getting those top points – or not. I don’t care about the gold, silver and bronze, because I am too busy being in such awe of these youngsters – and I have always been, as they are ALL so very inspirational... and I must believe that they are (still) having fun doing it- and they don't have to be naked.

CHIVALRY – what the heck happened?

“Chivalry is dead,” she said, staring at the ground with sad and teary eyes. He reached for her hand and tenderly held it: “I’m so sorry to hear that; was she a good friend of yours?” Unfortunately, that is pretty much how dead chivalry is today.

Back in medieval times, the code of conduct for those shiny knights, underlined the virtues of honor, by serving their lords and the God above, as well as striving to “protect others who cannot protect themselves”; that would be women, the golden oldies, children and especially defenseless bunnies named Fluffy.

An even more important part of this code of conduct required the knights to thoroughly honor women, who at all times should be approached with kindness, courtesy and respect. Now, if I’m not totally lost in history, this great attitude towards women and other fair females on the home-front, they outright stole from the Vikings (my rough & tough ancestors). You see, the Viking male population respected and totally accepted that Viking women were in full charge at home and the key-holders to the family treasure chests – and as we acknowledge this, has anything really changed a heck of a lot since then in that department?

But where is that chivalry attitude today? No, I don’t expect all males to dress up in recycled beer-cans and carrying long shiny sticks, big shields and heavy metal hats decorated with colorful feathers, as was the fashion so many hundred years ago. I’m not asking you to grab those two half coconut shells, banging them together to emulate a charging white stallion – I’m not talking about that kind of chivalrous attitude; because that is still fully controlled and owned by Monty Python.

I’m talking about what chivalry should be like today: kindness, courtesy and respect towards each other. And “towards each other”, as we should break down all gender lines, making that a part of our code of conduct – please.

Chivalry is fairly dead today; but let’s do a bit of CPR (for those who do not know: cardiopulmonary resuscitation, stuff you do to get the old ticker ticking again), and see if we can bring some spark back into that near rigor mortis old friend of ours; let’s start pumping some new life back into chivalry …

Back in the sixties, in the bra-burning days of women’s rights and fight for equality, a lot of issues had been simmering for years and finally popped up. All of a sudden a male opening a door for a female, became more so a chauvinistically dominant insult than the courtesy it used to be – so chivalry and a bit of male pride flew out the window along with the burning bras. I always thought that was so sad; not the bra-thing, of course, but the other stuff – even back then.

Growing up, I was taught kindness, courtesy and respect towards anybody, and I never had a problem with that. It is still something I do automatically and as naturally as breathing and not watching reality-shows.

I don’t get to open many doors for my wife, because she tends to be too fast. I believe it’s because she is self-efficient and independent (also of Viking blood), that it doesn’t even cross her mind to “let” me be her courtesy knight in shiny shorts and flip-flops (this is California, you know – that’s what we all wear – all the time – even to bed – sleeping next to our surfboards, of course – but you already knew that, huh?) Racing past her, smashing her to the ground to reach the door first, so I can open it for her, isn’t the kind of chivalry we are looking for, is it? But there’s an idea…

We all agree that we like getting attention. We can also agree that we like giving attention, and not just to Fluffy. So with that established, getting back to using chivalry as a positive part of our lives should be a piece of cake.

Keep up the CPR; I think we are getting a pulse…

I open doors for anybody if the timing is appropriate. No, I’m not waiting hours on end for somebody to show up, so I can do my Knight in Shiny Shorts bit; because that might be really weird. But I open many doors and just about everybody smiles and says thanks; well, just about everybody.

Yes, there are the ones who walk through with sour faces and no smiles, just too blooming busy; not even a bloody thank you. But I do like them, because they give me a grand opportunity to loudly say: You’re welcome, with a strong smell of sarcasm, of course. I just love that part; it’s a verbal kick in their pride. For the most part, they do acknowledge that they were rude and ignorant; many of them turn around somewhat embarrassed and then they smile and spittle out something sounding similar to thank you.

But the ones who fail to do that, I run after, grab them, throw them violently to the ground and then I kick the royal crap out of them, teaching them a lesson or two about kindness, courtesy, respect and chivalry – well, in my dreams, for the most. But it would be cool, solving such annoyance with utter violence. I would have made such a good knight, don’t you think? And I would also have used one of them shiny pointed things…

We are getting close to a normal pulse now, and thanks to your help and willingness to bring new life into our old friend chivalry, there is a huge possibility of a glorious resurrection – amen!

The simple act of smiling, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, is also part of chivalry, because by smiling we are acknowledging the presence of another human being on our way. Holding doors and all that other stuff, does make for a better life around us, because I know that we all care. Let’s show some more kindness, courtesy and respect and honor those codes the knights lived by – so many hundreds of years ago; because it still works today, it really does – a lot.

Till next Monday (and beyond): LONG LIVE CHIVALRY

I WONDER Department:

I guess it was okay back then to say: Good morning, knight. But perhaps saying Goodnight, knight was deemed silly and inappropriate? Does anybody know?

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SPEEDOS & THONGS – not a lot of cover-up

It’s time to squeeze into my EXTRA LIFE LYCRA SOLID SOLAR 1 inch BRIEFS; that’s what they are called. We are more familiar with the abbreviation: Speedos; that little piece of Polyester/Lycra thing that covers just enough to avoid full nudity. I have no idea what the 1 inch is referring to, but if your mind is in the gutter, 1 inch is far from close – so quickly erase that picture from your memory – thank you.

Summer officially starts June 20 around here; but for me, where I’m located geographically, that tanning thing, melting away in the warmth of the sun, runs from March through September - approximately. I have always been attracted to the sun, from very limited rays back in Denmark, to the excess of it here in California.

I grew up in Denmark with breast feeding and Speedos, not realizing that big baggy beach shorts were the thing in the USA. After arriving here, I only made a couple of Speedo appearances on California beaches. Several groups of people gathered, hysterically chuckling and pointing fingers behind my back. “He must be from Europe or something…” was giggled the most. So I gave in and from then on covered myself in big baggy beach shorts, which I thought looked really stupid when referenced to my bony, though highly tanned lack of physique; also known as the dreaded NerdBoy look.

To me, sun-tanning feels rather wonderful. I’m not seeking a tan to look better, because that has never been important. It’s because it makes me feel a lot better – makes me feel healthier. So I pull on those tiny Speedos, because I want a tan on as much body as I can get a tan on. With a good layer of Ultra Sheer Dry-Touch Sunblock SPF 70, I sneak out in the back-yard – where nobody can see me – I think; and then I melt in the sun for about 45 minutes – oh, it’s heaven and has always been (as long as I don’t get interrupted by the California Speedo-Police).

Speedos are used by most beach going men in Europe, no matter what kind of body they have – it doesn’t seem to matter and it shouldn’t. Sure it would be cool, even for me, if we all had washboard abs and a fab shape like David Beckman, but we don’t. But that’s okay too - it really is.

And then we have The Thongs, that tiny little piece of cloth covering the essentials (whatever that might be for some), fastened with a string strung up between the buttocks. I haven’t tried it (yet), but how the heck comfortable is that? Or perhaps exciting? If I ever find out, I’ll let you know (by the way, do they come in mint?)

Some females wearing thongs look absolutely fantastic, and some don’t; but it doesn’t really matter, does it? European beaches are dotted with a mix of Speedos and thongs and nakedness – and here it is big baggy beach shorts for the dudes and bikini thongs for the dudettes – where the heck is the equality in that?

My wife and our two boys met up with my in-laws in Spain some years back. Our oldest, around 14 at the time, was somewhat looking forward to see some naked women on the beaches – because that’s what they do, he was told – by his father.

Unfortunately, his first experience was an older woman whose breasts and buttocks were severely affected by gravity – a lot. Not even close to the Playboy Bunny of the Month he had fantasized about. Now he’s not too keen about those European beaches – or wearing Speedos – like daddy. But he’ll change his mind when I show him the beaches of St. Tropez… By “the beaches” I mean the female beach-goers there. This is not a chauvinistic comment, but simply one made with the highest respect for the human body in whatever shape or form - seriously.

When you consider the bodily areas Speedos, tiny bikini tops and thongs try to cover, why are we so much against public/beach nudity? I mean, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon, no offense if you are one, to figure out what’s under the covered areas and it’s not like we don’t know what those body parts look like – we pretty much remember them by heart. So I’m confused about that nudity thing, that one area we can’t show or air out.

But it’s very private, we say – but what does that really mean? When we try to find other reasons, besides the “private parts” thing, what else can we come up with? We are already exposing a lot of those “private parts areas” so why even bother with the $125 piece of triangled mini-cloth or the 1 inch speedos? Think about it, and then ask yourself: does it make sense?

Don’t get me wrong, because I’m as perplexed as the next Speedo-wearer. I think we have a twisted fixation about what we can show and what we cannot show, for whatever reasons. We are guided to the issues of vanity, shyness and decency (what?) with added pressures from ourselves, society and/or our cultures; but is nudity really that awful? Are we really that ashamed of our bodies? I’m not, but of course that doesn’t mean I want to show it to you – and isn’t that kind of weird, because, again, I’m not ashamed of mine?

Have you ever exposed yourself stark naked to the sun? It’s exhilarating and really makes a difference. No, gutter-mind, it’s not related to anything perverted or sexual (but there’s an idea); it’s simply a rather “free” feeling. But if I feel somebody is watching me, I don’t feel so exhilarated or “free” anymore. I would quickly cover up and scream PERVERT ALERT in the process.

A body is a body, and there are so many shapes and forms. Some are a delight to drool over; others make you want to look away and some makes you wanna puke – honestly. But that little piece of polyester in the front with the string in the back, does not make that much of a difference – it really doesn’t. But for some reason it does – and on some levels I obviously wonder why.

Nude beaches or being nude on most European beaches is no big deal. You can be naked, wearing Speedos to your heart’s content, bikini minimals, thongs or big baggy beach shorts – whatever is fine. It’s actually rather natural and very relaxed. Here in the USA, we have a long way to go.

But I will not become the naked poster-boy, machetting the way to new beach dress or undress laws around here. You will never see me strut down Venice Beach in my birthday suit (for some readers, that would be nude), holding a sign saying GET NAKED – NOT JAILED – in an effort to legalize optional nudity on America’s beaches. I’m too vain, shy, and uncomfortable and I still want to lose another 10 pounds and then get that David Beckham body look (I really hate him, because he makes me look so ordinary – shame on him).

Have a grand week (now where did I put those Speedos – oh, I’m wearing them already!)