Monday, January 13, 2014

FRIENDSHIPS – do not take for granted



A friendship is the mutual affection and interpersonal bond by association, between two people or many people. A close and high quality friendship makes us a happier person, creating higher self-esteem, confidence and security. Good friendships bring us to a better level of social comfort. That’s all great stuff, if you ask me. And since you are asking, I have to add the kicker: If you value your friendships, do NEVER take them for granted – please… 

I’m not writing about the social media’s fluffy friendships as I touched that subject some time back. No, this is about true friendships, including the very-best-friend category.

For the most part, we find our true friends by association. It can be same backgrounds, values, occupation, interests, hobbies, education, social circles, demographics and the list can be as varied as any combination of any friendship. But you’ll always start out by finding something in common, something that brings you together with that one special person.  

To me, finding or running into situations that would perhaps create a friendship, has never been easy. Early on I found that insecurities and anxieties made me more so stick to myself; this way not taking the risk of rejections while approaching other kids for possible friendships. Don’t get me wrong, in spite of my former awkwardness, I have been fortunate finding some superb friends through the years.

As a great example: Claus, a few years younger than I is my childhood friend. Though we stopped communicating for some 20-30 years (we are both in our sixties now) we finally connected again, and seemingly had not missed a beat. Now we enjoy great times and laughter when I visit Claus and his wife in Copenhagen. My friendship with Claus has always been very special and very warm.

During the last 10 years before I left Denmark for the USA, I was part of a group of 4 guys, very close friendships, always having an absolute blast – really. We rarely spoke about serious stuff, but we were more so able to see the humor in just about anything and everything – just an absolute blast.

But then I moved away, tried to keep in contact by mail (good old days, huh?) One of the pals tried too, but then it faded away and then the interest died – and in retrospect, as the wiser we get, that was a pity – it really was. But I would have been a lesser person had I not gone through those ten years of intense friendship – I really think so.

We must never take friendships for granted, the ones we truly believe in. Like so many other things in life, if we do not work at it, it will fade and die – and when we let that happen, we will certainly not get any richer in the process. 

You might have your own set of values that will create a strong friendship, what you call a true friendship. For me, friendships must be built on trust, honesty, respect, love, faithfulness, appreciation and here I go again: must never be taken for granted. No, Dear Reader, we cannot expect all these saintly values packed into one or any one friend. But it’s when we find a combination of what we respect and expect from our friends AND from ourselves that things line up, and friendships are created.

My wife and I have friends we have known since we met (my wife and I). Two couples, best of friends with all our kids growing up together, not many years apart – at all. With busy lives it has always been tough to find time to get together, and don’t get me wrong, this is not a complaint, it’s the simple reality of our lives, family and all. But when we get together it is wonderful, lots of fun and laughter – and every time we part, it’s always: ‘gotta do this more often’; and we mean it.

Having friends, getting together and enjoying the time and the stimulation rich friendships give us, cover so many emotional needs. It makes us feel so good and utterly fortunate – no doubts about it. But friendships can also fade away for many reasons, and perhaps reasons we don’t understand – the worst of reasons…

At times in our lives we might find a friendship of need, where the person or we (ourselves) have an emotional need for support, perhaps due to anxieties, insecurities, a broken heart, a divorce, break-up or whatever. Perhaps we open up in a different way to a person we don’t fully know, and a person who do not fully know us. We might find support from a good listener, and many things combined, perhaps things will get better, and perhaps a true friendship evolves from that. But I have also found that such friendships can also have a tendency to fade away in some cases, after all is getting better. I was always able to accept that, no matter how confusing and sad it made me – but at least with a feeling that perhaps I made somebody else feel better – and that makes me feel good.

As human beings we need friendships, true friendships. We need to associate on a deeper level, where we unite with people around us, people who understand where we are coming from, who we are, and people we understand well – and therefore can associate with on those deeper levels. Those friendships do make us happier – they truly do.

My best friend in the whole world (sounding like an excited 6-year old, while it’s actually an excited 67-year old) is my wife. Next month we have been together 30 years – and counting. No, it has not always been a smooth ride, as it has been a life, including kids, that has been and is full, therefor “smooth” is not a true description. As anybody else, we have also experienced some rough patches, but due to that ‘friendship”- thing, we have been able to stay the course, solved issues and overcome adversities. 

That’s what true friendships must also accomplish, because that is also how important a true friend is. I have never and will never take that for granted.

Claus & me around 1954