PEOPLE WATCHING – and you being watched

We all do it – again and again; watching and of course, being watched. We do it on purpose and we do it unconsciously, automatically, as well as by simple, natural reaction. Whenever there is a minimum of two people in one place (or one person with a mirror), we watch – intensely; but do you know why we do it?

My shorter version of a long scientific explanation is that we simply observe our fellow human beings and their interactions. Before I continue, let’s get one thing straight: if you find yourself getting any form of sexual gratification or sexual arousal from this observation bit, you are performing voyeurism (naughty - naughty) and that is not what people watching is about; at times the line between the two is very thin. If you watch and drool, you are crossing that line. I’ll get back to that a bit later.

Academically, the term naturalistic observation is fitting, as it means watching stuff, like animals (as some of us are called at times) in their natural habitat. And that is precisely what we are doing when we people-watch.

Be careful when you coincidentally listen to peoples conversations as you watch them. This is known as eavesdropping (which is one of the weirdest words ever; don’t you think?) In some cases this eavesdropping thing, can actually be caught as being an illegal activity, as you are listening to private conversations without the consent of the participants – how could you?

Why are we people watching? We find it relaxing, enjoyable, fascinating, informative, utterly interesting, a grand way to pass time, inspirational and it can also be constructive. It jiggles our senses of wonder and amazement, has a bit of social interaction (no matter how one directional it is for the most part) and many other descriptive reasons. And none of us are watching and seeing the same things; isn’t that just mesmerizing?

I think curiosity is one of the two main reasons we watch; being fun is the other and that is why I’m out there goggling. And we can do it anywhere and anytime; I mean, how convenient is that?

I can’t say I have a favorite spot from where to people-watch. I prefer the small sidewalk café on a busy street in Rome, to the food-court in our local mall, but only because of the many glaring differences. It’s still people watching, no matter where we do it.

You see, the thing is that we are fascinated with watching, because we, the people, are fascinating to watch – how simple is that? And some people really like to be watched. So do we need any more reasons? Why not; how about the following…

When considering that we are about 7 billion people on this globe thing, we must be in awe that not any two are alike. So we have this endless stimulation of diversity, differences, looks, colors, clothes, moves, interaction, expressions, etc. It’s a never ending variety of our species passing, walking and running by, sitting, standing, talking, smiling, laughing, swearing (Yeah, I once saw one do that), and the menu goes on for as long as you want it to; curiosity and fun, all in one.

So what are we looking for, what is it we are observing? It’s nothing and it’s everything. It’s what she wears, how she wears it, does it match, how old, how young, what is she doing, are they real, where is she going, nice purse, by the way; is she travelling alone, who’s that older guy with her; the father, her “old” husband, is she happy, sad or in deep sorrow, and on and on we go. We process thousands of pieces of information in seconds, creating phantom characters based on what we see, massive assumptions about the person based on how she moves, acts, dresses, carry herself and so forth; oh, and all this, while somebody else is doing the same evaluation of us.

When we consider the time or lack of time we take or have with that one person in view, it is amazing how much information we run through in such a short time. Visual and auditory impressions, and in some cases, if close enough: smells of perfume, cologne, sweat (Yuk), booze-breath, etc. which are also items to help evaluate the possibilities in our guess-work, right or wrong. And we rarely find out, do we? They disappear as fast as they appeared; but it’s still a lot of fun.

Who do I people-watch? I’m an equal opportunity goggler, but if you threaten me with a session of water-torture, I will tell you that for the most part I find watching women more fascinating than watching men. I find women more alive, and men to be more predictable. I find the female shape more interesting and pleasing to the eye, than the way men are shaped. Women dress more creatively, therefor a grander variety (not as an excuse, but I did work in women’s fashion many years ago in Europe). On many levels women appeal more so to me than do men, which no doubt also stems from being a devout heterosexual; and that brings us back to that thin line thing from before.

No, Dear Reader, I do not feel to any extent of your imagination, that I ever cross the line from people watching to Peeping Peter (as in voyeurism and drooling). Not that it’s any of your business, but being an honest guy, I’ll tell you why: I am not lusting after any of the women I watch, but I highly appreciate their shapes, forms, moves, personalities and interaction (not with me) within the environment the persons I’m watching are in, people they are with, etc. I’m not out there hunting for anybody. I’m happily married, and utterly secure in my life with my wife; so I can calmly sit back, enjoy and appreciate. Okay, I told you mine, now you tell me yours; fair enough?

For the most part, people watching is incidental, we just do it (not a Nike thing, by the way). And then some just do it as a hobby, meaning people-watch on purpose. Personally I don’t really have time for that, though it sounds intriguing. I travel enough to get my fill, but even the trip to the super market is, well, still fun.

So what are you watching? Have you ever specifically thought about it? Oh, and have you noticed how you constantly narrate your observations? Either to the persons you are with, or when alone, you chat to yourself. “Nice tight jeans on that dude”; “shoes don’t go with that skirt”; “hubba-hubba”. Our narrations are as varied as the people we are watching – and then some.

I’m off to Europe again in a few weeks. Have a total of four airport stops with time between flights; time to people-watch and that’s what I also do – something I look forward to as well; part of traveling with Peter.

Oh, I nearly forgot: when somebody catch you watching them, and you can’t turn away fast enough, don’t twist your body into pieces, while trying not to look utterly guilty. Instead, give that person a big smile. If they don’t rush over and slap you silly, they will for the most part smile back. You see, we like to watch people, but we also like people watching us – to some extent; don’t you agree?  

Till next Monday – go watch a whole bunch of people

TRUST – do we use it the right way?

When somebody stops and says: “Trust me on this” as they are chatting away, I get a bit suspicious, since I haven’t trusted anything he had said so far. By him stating that now is the time to actually “trust him”, I seriously don’t want to; why start because he says so? Instead I simply discard whatever else comes out of his mouth – he was a jerk anyway, so it doesn’t really matter; but you get the idea?

The noun TRUST supposedly arrived in the 13. Century, borrowed from the Old Norse (Scandinavia) word TRAUST meaning help, confidence and/or firmness (no, not as in: ‘You have a TRAUST body”, but “firmness” as being assertive). We then rolled it into something more like assured reliance on somebody, the ability, strength and truth of someone. Quite a lot of stuff and laced with vast expectations, I would say.

But today we are using this important term in a much looser fashion, where I claim that we should not. We must have a term that underlines strong confidentiality, something we can fully rely on. Too often we are using trust as a term for: I expect, I assume or I take for granted; but we don’t use any of those very often, as trust is faster to say – but let’s recognize the big difference, please.

When we look at the definition of trust within social science, the trustor must be willing to rely on the trustee, who must prove and be expected to show full trustworthiness. To whatever degree we put our trust in somebody, can include: belief, honesty, fairness, respect and confidence (to be trusted). Of course other forms of measures exist, as each of us have our own sets of standards concerning this trust thing. But across the table, no matter how you perceive trust, it is still essential that you believe that you can fully trust that other person.

We find this trust issue all around us; in families, between friends, significant others, partners, girlfriends & boyfriends, wives & husbands, business colleagues, teammates and so forth. We use the: I expect, I assume or I take for granted by saying trust in most situations and I can certainly swing with that. But then we also have the more involved upgraded sets of expectations, looming under the real use of the term trust.

How many people do we really trust? People we can depend on, rely on, who will, at all time, honor, respect and fully believe in your friendship, in your person and character? When I look around me, not that many – but that is also okay, as it is a heavy commitment.

But I think we must look at ourselves first, before passing judgment on others. I must contemplate how much I can actually trust myself and figure out to what degree I am trustworthy to the people around me. Going back in my life, it is a mixed bag. Some stuff (like, way back) I’m not proud of and though I negate thinking about those few situations so many years ago, they do pop up on occasion – I guess as a reminder and: “now Peter, don’t you remember?” is still an effective tool for me to do the right thing today – in the case of being trusted.

In a funny way, or perhaps in not so funny ways, we often take trust for granted. Our assumptions concerning trust blur the picture of what is going on, so some of our expectations are often shut out of the water, facing us with disappointments we could have avoided.

“I thought I could trust her,” he said, after she had an affair with some other guy. “I fully believed she would never break that trust…” To me, that is only a fair statement if both parties in this case knew precisely what was to be expected concerning what to trust in each other and/or within the couple they used to be. You see, he obviously lived by the I took for granted that she wouldn’t be unfaithful, where she wasn’t sure if a bit of fun on the side was breaking any trust or not – that was her interpretation; perhaps claiming a bit of ignorance?

So I find that the issue of trust (like so many other things and terms), must be outlined, understood and agreed upon before we start to play. If the above former couple had accepted a few rules before the kissing started and the relationship began, the break-up might have been avoided. “Okay, concerning that trust thing, no fooling around. We must trust that it’s just you and me, baby…” And all would have been fine – and they might have lived happily ever after – and perhaps even longer.

Of course failure of trust may be forgiven more easily if interpreted as a failure of competence of the other party, which of course underline the importance of who we trust. But when she was making out with that other guy, “failure of competence” was not a factor at all; I would assume (or trust?) But do you still think he should forgive and forget?

It is especially in the people we surround ourselves with, the ones we form unions with romantically, as well as family, friends, at work and between businesses, that we must also bond with some true trust. If we don’t, we have to solely rely on assumptions, expectations or ignorantly take things for granted. This way we are setting the stage for disappointments (or break-ups). And that is not really what we want, is it?

Yeah, I know, setting some ground rules after that fantastic first date, romantic and so, well, perfect, doesn’t make you want to sit down and chin-whack about some “future rules of trust and behavior”, huh? Nah, we feel in our silly hearts that all will be well and she would never…oops, and then she did (or he did…) and that’s when we say: “We should have hammered out some ground rules, ex-girlfriend, shouldn’t we?”

Trust is a heavy thing, it really is. But when it feels right, trusting the right people and have the people you respect and love trust you, it is not a burden to any extent. It is inspiring, so comfortable and enriching and it makes you all tingly and fuzzy inside; and isn’t that great?

I have competence, the belief that I can trust myself, my wife, kids, family and friends. I can truly trust them and I never take any of that trust for granted by assuming or expecting anything beyond that trust.

I know, this was a bit heavier than my “normal” posts, but it is something I have pondered for many years. The thing is that implementing or applying this whole trust issue is not easy, especially if we don’t consider some common directions. So instead, we leave it alone and deal with it when we are more so forced to – for the most part at the time when failure and disappointment have already popped up.

But I still prefer to fully trust somebody and if they prove my trust in them wrong, so be it – because that is also LIFE AS IT REALLY IS.

Till next Monday and I promise you a much lighter post - really    

CONSUMERS – we are not that ignorant

I think they secretly call us SUMERS because they are out to CON us (as in: CON-the-SUMERS), which exposes the hidden meaning of the word consumers. I will of course clear all this up for you, because I know you expect nothing less…

In one corner we have the consumers, meaning individuals or households purchasing all kinds of goods and services, also known as you and I; and we are all doing that consuming-thing a lot. In the opposite corner, we have the suppliers of these goods and services. When we pay attention, we see that they are doing everything in their combined might to trick us into purchasing their offerings; at least it feels like it at times – don’t you agree?

I don’t think we as consumers are neither ignorant nor stupid to any extent. We fully understand and can clearly see all the trickeries we are presented with from suppliers about what we need, want and expect in services and goods that we purchase; must purchase, according to them, or else!

For the most part we can all see some of these suppliers making fools of themselves, believing that they are actually conning the sumers; they couldn’t be more wrong, because we are much smarter than that and we have come to the overbearing conclusion to let them play their silly games of persuasion. “Let the child”, as we say in Danish…

SAVE / SAVINGS

Here is something I never fully understood: They tell you to save, but you have to give them money to do so. Wouldn’t you save more money by not buying anything? Do they ever offer that option?

BEFORE & AFTER

Here is one of those real pathetic “encouragements”. In the before black and white photo, the person looks like she’s between death and rigor mortis. Everything is wrong, out of place and weird; but the real kicker is that she has a sour and tired look on her face.

In the after image, which is in full color, she has luscious lips, only one chin, zero wrinkles, a firm butt and a new set of perky breasts. But what really makes us see the difference between before & after, is her broad and lovely smile. Now you tell me, have you ever been persuaded to sign up for any alterations or products due to this kind of advertising? I didn’t think so, because we are not being conned easily. Oh, by the way, would you like quick personal improvement at no cost? Here’s what you do:

Go to the nearest mirror; look at yourself with a sour, disgruntled and crappy looking face. Hold that pose for 30 seconds (if you can stand it). Now change that facial expression into that mighty smile of yours, teeth and all. Noticed the difference? It is mega huge and marked down to free.

GAS PRICES – but why?

Around here (USA) pricing of gas / petrol / fuel is weird. No, Dear Reader, not because they are high, but it’s the way they are presented to us. I have not a single clue as to why gas is priced like $3.85 9/10 per gallon. Why the 9/10 of a cent? What the heck does that mean? Is it to hide the fact that we are paying $3.86 and not what we believe (give me a break) to be $3.85? If I pay $3.85 9/10 or $3.86 will never make a difference, so why not just price it for what it cost – without 9/10 of a cent, please – consumers are not stupid, huh?

SALES – and more sales

THE BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR – LOWEST PRICES EVER – NO THIS IS THE BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR – EVERYTHING MUST GO, etc. So many stores have all these different sales through the year. I can easily swing with that, because I buy all my stuff on sale. But I still get a few giggles out of all the creative ways these sales try to outdo each other over and over – within the same shops and department stores. It’s hilarious if you pay attention, but we have gotten numb over the years and just take it for what it is – silly.

My favorite is everything must go; now really, do you think that any store has ever considered some of it must go? Of course everything will hopefully get out of there, that’s why you are in business, to sell the darn things – to make room for new stuff – that you also want to go.

BALLOONS sell cars?

On car-lots and car-dealerships around here, you often see balloons attached to cars – a lot of them and all sorts of colors. Now where the heck did that come from? Did they actually have a meeting where they considered and approved that: “If we tie balloons to the cars, we’ll sell more, huh?” Or should that be: DUH? And have you ever bought a car because it had a pretty balloon attached to it? I didn’t think so.

I am all for a healthy economy, with money swirling around by production, supplying and consuming; nothing wrong with that. But I just don’t understand why we need to be somewhat misled into believing to purchase certain products. A bit of honesty would fare somewhat better, I trust. Don’t you?

I don’t like to be talked down to, which physically doesn’t happen often as I am 6’1” (6’5” in heels), so I’m a bit irritated by the way some suppliers are advertising like I’m an idiot or pathetically ignorant (whichever you choose). But then again, I have reached a level of being overbearing, as I am in full control of my own consuming; and you are too, I’m sure.

And then I acknowledge advertising and commercials where I sit back in awe as to how stupid and ignorant it is and wonder if ANYBODY buys this stuff. But Some people must, because you see the same ad and same commercial over and over – I’m amazed and somewhat saddened, because are some of us consumers really that naïve?

But I am so totally free of being persuaded and tricked by advertising, their slogans and logos and other oblivious attempts on my assumed consumer stupidity. I am the ultimate consumer, their worst fear. I consume when I damn well feel like consuming and what I like to consume – always MY choice, baby. I feel freed from them all and then I scream to nobody specifically, from the highest mountain ever, against the swishing wind, that we should ALL be independent and strong-willed consumers. Are you with me?

JUST DO IT (oops)

See you next Monday…

KISSING – read this and is a kiss still a kiss?

When we contemplate the mechanics of kissing, the technical aspect of puckering up by engaging the orbicularis oris, which we all know is the ring-muscle of the mouth, while activating as well as coordinating 34 facial muscles and about 112 postural muscles, it does remove a bit of the romance factor as we watch Bergman and Bogart suck face in the movie Casablanca; don’t you agree?

As I wondered who actually started this kissing thing, I called an expert on the subject, Kissmopologist Dr. Andrea Liplock, who has a PhD in Lip & Tongue Synchronization from Duke University. Surprisingly, she didn’t know; how about that? You would think with an education and a title like that, she would at least have learned about how the kiss was born - and she went to Duke U. of all places.

 So can we just assume that two people, who kind of liked each other, could not get any excitement or tickles of satisfaction just shaking hands? So they thought of other things to help them along, and by pure coincident came up with lips-to-lips?

And can we also assume, that they got so thrilled about this new thing that they continued to talk with their lips still locked, so the tongues got in the way? All this actually took place in Paris (where else?) and guess what: French Kissing was born – true story.

I did find that kissing has been a wonderful and solid tradition for many, many years. Socrates, Aristotle and their respective girl-friends supposedly already did it way back in the old Greeceland days. But we are not totally sure, as Soc and Aris were perfect gentlemen and lived by: “don’t kiss & tell”. Of course the girls kept quiet as well; just like they do today – yes?

So why bother kissing? (There you go, rolling your eyes…) We do it because we find sensations of taste, touch and smell when we kiss, among many other things – oh, and it feels nice too. Still doesn’t sound too romantic – does it?

Kissing is the physical act of pressing one’s lips against the lips of some other person or against some of that person’s body parts, as cheeks, forehead or hands (the rest is up to you); in some cases we kiss objects, like the Pope’s oversized ring; I mean, don’t you? In rare cases we ask somebody to kiss my butt; not something we really want them to, is it? Oh, I see, you don’t kiss & tell… (giggle).

Kisses express sentiments of love, passion, affection, respect, greeting, friendship, erotic emotions and my all-time favorite: lust (I’m only kidding – but it’s true).

The word kiss is from Old English cyssan, which translates to kiss. In Danish we call it kys, in Dutch kussen, Finnish (and good luck with that one) suudella; in French they have several words covering the same thing, but I’ll stay with baisent. The Italian’s go for bacio, the Japanese with seppun and for those of you who only speak Latin, I couldn’t find any words for kissing; tough luck. Spanish is either beso or besar (would I be right if it is singular and plural?) Of course Swedish is my utmost favorite and they have three variations: kyss, puss and kyssa. Any one of those three works for me, big time…

Of course we also have colorful variations of that kissing thing. Besides suck face, how about lip-lock, French kiss, smooch, smack, peck, snog (British slang, and my all-time favorite), air kiss and so forth. Of course kiss is also a text message abbreviation, meaning keep it short stupid – you didn’t know that, did you?

And then we all have the dreaded, proverbial, nervous, frustrating, romantic and horrific first kiss, huh? The one we do remember, no matter how much we want to forget.  I’ll tell you mine if you’ll tell me yours, okay? I’m always ready for a good laugh – seriously…

Henrik was dating this girl Susanne. I would guess we were something like 11 or 12. I had no experience in the kissing and make-out department, Henrik had some experience and Susanne was much more advanced than the both of us put together, plus she was a few years older. So we were sitting around in Susanne’s room; she was making out with Henrik (kissing only), while I was desperately trying to concentrate reading the new issue of Donald Duck.

Susanne and Henrik got into a bit of a disagreement and Henrik sourly moved away from Susanne who stayed on her bed. A few minutes later Susanne asked if I knew how to kiss. I blurted out NO while blushing all over the place. Then she padded the space next to her and told me to come on over. I did, which left Henrik a bit puzzled; go figure.

“I’ll teach you how to kiss, okay?” And did she ever – while Henrik was steaming in the chair, trying to concentrate on Donald Duck; I doubt if he succeeded…

Henrik and I stayed friends and the weird thing is that Susanne liked both of us, so it was kind of an innocent three way dating situation. Now hold your giggling, it was not much more than that kissing thing – really. What were you thinking? I was 11 or 12 for goodness sake… and I don’t kiss and tell – oops, I just did...

I find kissing very romantic. I also find it loving, reassuring and confirming. But I still find the kissing action itself somewhat puzzling. But kissing is of course a correct and most natural thing to do as an intimate expression. No, those puzzling thoughts will never hold me back, have not and will never get in the way; I was just wondering, that’s all.

Kissing does make us feel good; where that level of feeling good is at, has of course a lot to do with the person we are kissing and how we are kissed back. It’s not all about how good we are at kissing, though it helps, but it’s more so how we as a whole person react with the other person, that guides how good we feel about lip-lock snogging.

On certain levels, kissing discharges a bit of dopamin in our bodies; this doesn’t mean that it makes you look dopey. It means that this feel good chemical is released when we experience something that is highly pleasurable – as with kissing (and bowling, for some of us).

Now don’t get all uptight and sue me for killing your kissing abilities or joys of same. I fully declare that I am not an expert, though I do have…. Whatever!

I often feel a bit uncomfortable watching kisses and sex in movies, though. I feel like a voyeur, a Peeping Peter or Tom. I’m okay with them making out, but not really in front of me; get a room, is my suggestion.

But then again, I have watched and also enjoyed many romantic kisses in movie theaters; especially with Ingrid Bergman participating; on the screen, that is. The sweet and beautiful Ingrid, kissing Cary Grant in Notorious and Bogart in Casablanca. That’s where I embrace kissing at its highest level of romance – but of course, off screen much more so…

You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh (ahhh...)

…and how blooming romantic is that, huh?

See you next Monday – now go give somebody you like a snog on the nose; or perhaps go bowling…